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  #91  
Old 08-13-2010, 06:11 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
interesting...may be it. But, if it were some passive aggressive thing, why do I want to so bad/so often?
Not passive aggressive. That would be a conscious thing, ie denying her sex on purpose because she's been with him, but not giving her the real reason.

I think what Magdlyn means is one reason might be your subconscious trying to bitch slap the rest of you. Sort of a "DANGER! WARNING! This situation is not good for me!" which then shuts down your lady bits.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 08-13-2010 at 06:24 PM. Reason: DnC is not a man. And a typo.
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  #92  
Old 08-13-2010, 06:14 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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@trucker - just for clarity, I'm female, married to female, who now has boyfriend..

The subconscious bitch slap sounds about right...it also feels kind of a pride thing...a why the hell do I wanna go there if he just did...even though i REALLY REALLY want to...
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  #93  
Old 08-13-2010, 06:23 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
@trucker - just for clarity, I'm female, married to female, who now has boyfriend..
Ack! Sorry about that. I normally don't assume.
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  #94  
Old 08-13-2010, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, it's probably b/c of all the other shit around this relationship. Your body is telling you no, even if your head and heart are bending over backwards to try and make this mess all work.
I would agree on Mag with this one...

when we feel loved, appreciated, respected.... the fact that our partner has been with someone else can be ultra hot! So hot that sometimes people want to actually see that and experience it with them. I think that by virtue of the fact that you have NOT been treated well, your sub-consicous is saying "NOOOOOOO> get her away from you, she will hurt you more!" Listen to it, would be my suggestion.
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  #95  
Old 08-14-2010, 08:58 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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I've just read through the whole thread and I feel sad for you. It feels like you are sacrificing so much of yourself and your happiness. I have no doubt his wife will put 2 and 2 together and discover its your wife her husband has been cheating with,and given that you have known about it the whole time you will not only lose your wife but his wife's friendship as well.
You really need to take care of you better,because what I see from here is akin to a sacrificial lamb,and you deserve so much better!
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  #96  
Old 08-14-2010, 01:59 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Sigh... my ex always puts others first, and then it bites him in the ass.

It's how he was raised. Jesus first, then others, then yourself. (Not that he's xtian anymore.) But EVERYONE's feelings and needs matter. One has to take care of numero uno, you know. Otherwise you'll never have true happiness.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
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  #97  
Old 08-14-2010, 02:39 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Sigh... my ex always puts others first, and then it bites him in the ass.

It's how he was raised. Jesus first, then others, then yourself. (Not that he's xtian anymore.) But EVERYONE's feelings and needs matter. One has to take care of numero uno, you know. Otherwise you'll never have true happiness.
While I understand and agree with this for the most part, I have to admit that I am also guilty of being a #3 or 4 in the list of important people in my life. I put God first, but then comes my wife, then my kids (these two depend on the situation at the time LOL), then comes D, then S, then myself. So...Ummm...Yeah. I guess I'm fairly low on the totem pole. LOL

As guys (or the male acting part of a relationship) we are charged with having the higher responsibility of caring for everyone's happiness and well being. It's a societal charge, but it is ours to take on I guess. (Not that women CAN'T do it, just that traditionally men do it.)

Is it "right" to act this way? Well, some feminine types wouldn't know how to handle some of the responsibilities that the more masculine halves have to deal with. Would they do them? Maybe. Maybe not. Would the world come to an end? Nope.

Can I, as a man, simply shirk my responsibilities and make only myself happy? Well, I COULD, but then I would be sad anyway. Why? Because the ones I really care about are hurt. And often times, I actually care about them more than myself. I want my wife, kids, and friends to be happy. If it's at the expense of my OWN happiness, I'm ok with that....Until it becomes apparent that they could care less about whether or not I'm happy. Then I get hurt, and I lash out at them and make sure that I'm the happy one.

But in every relationship, there should be whats called "give and take". It should be a symbiotic relationship....The moment it becomes all "give, and no take" or all "take, and no give", it turns into a "parasitic" relationship. I know how I deal with parasites.....How do you deal with them? Dazed, it sounds like your other half is being a parasite.
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  #98  
Old 08-14-2010, 02:47 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Well, almost had a good night. Went to see KISS. We went with a group of my friends, my best are her hubby. They know, and she wasnt comfortable. We wandered off, held each other like we used to. Awesomeness.

Then the inevitable, we are stuck in lot trying to get out, she gets msg from him that his wife wants to have a talk with him this weekend. I ask if they break up, is she leaving me. In all fairness, ive asked this often, and always get the "youre my wife for ever". She snapped at me, and we argued or sat in silence. We stopped for food, and the fight goot heated. I walked out and halfway home before she caught me and drove the rest of way. We hugged it out, she asked me to sleep in our bed, and I did.

Another night, more him bullshit getting in the way.

She has a work event this afternoon, Ill attend, then shes leaving early to go run then have date with him.

Its funny, i dont interrupt their time, hes in my life every minute of every day.
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  #99  
Old 08-14-2010, 03:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
While I understand and agree with this for the most part, I have to admit that I am also guilty of being a #3 or 4 in the list of important people in my life. I put God first, but then comes my wife, then my kids (these two depend on the situation at the time LOL), then comes D, then S, then myself. So...Ummm...Yeah. I guess I'm fairly low on the totem pole. LOL
Yeah. That's the exact same expression my ex used, except he said he was at the bottom.

My kids are young adults now, but of course when they are little, their needs had to come first, b/c kids can't wait. But if a parent, male or female, doesnt at least attempt to meet their own basic needs, they will burn out and be lesser parents than they could be.

Quote:
As guys (or the male acting part of a relationship) we are charged with having the higher responsibility of caring for everyone's happiness and well being. It's a societal charge, but it is ours to take on I guess. (Not that women CAN'T do it, just that traditionally men do it.)
Really? Odd you feel this way. But I was a stay at home, breastfeeding, homeschooling mama.

My ex went to work and paid for our happiness, while I stayed home and made food, educated/entertained the kids, and made the holidays happen.



Quote:
Can I, as a man, simply shirk my responsibilities and make only myself happy?
Where did I say make only yourself happy? I just said, make sure your own feelings are heard, and your own needs are met. EVERYONE's feelings are important. Not just "theirs." Yours, too.

Quote:
Well, I COULD, but then I would be sad anyway. Why? Because the ones I really care about are hurt. And often times, I actually care about them more than myself. I want my wife, kids, and friends to be happy. If it's at the expense of my OWN happiness, I'm ok with that....Until it becomes apparent that they could care less about whether or not I'm happy. Then I get hurt, and I lash out at them and make sure that I'm the happy one.
There you go! My ex, exactly. He gives and gives and then doesn't feel "appreciated" and gets all resentful and passive aggressive. In fact, his present gf has now kicked him out of their apt for this very behavior. And with our kids, this behavior of putting their need ALWAYS first becomes enabling and detrimental to their social development, not a benefit.

I got so frustrated w him over this. He'd do something, make a decision w me, act like he was fine w it, and months later let me know how I used him and didnt care about him, when I just thought he was OK with whatever decision he made. Now thats one reason we are divorcing, and the main reason his gf has kicked him out!


Quote:
But in every relationship, there should be whats called "give and take". It should be a symbiotic relationship....The moment it becomes all "give, and no take" or all "take, and no give", it turns into a "parasitic" relationship. I know how I deal with parasites.....How do you deal with them? Dazed, it sounds like your other half is being a parasite.
Yes, low self esteem will lead you to let the SO do things that you really arent fine with, while gathering crumbs of her dwindling affection along the way.

NRE should never let you diss your primary. When I have NRE w a new partner, I always make sure I give my gf *extra* love and talks and dates. Not out of duty, either; but b/c her love supports my ability to be poly, and to grow socially, and I love the heck out of her for supporting me like this.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #100  
Old 08-14-2010, 05:57 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
NRE should never let you diss your primary. When I have NRE w a new partner, I always make sure I give my gf *extra* love and talks and dates. Not out of duty, either; but b/c her love supports my ability to be poly, and to grow socially, and I love the heck out of her for supporting me like this.
I totally agree with this. I knew I liked you. You're well grounded, yet still free as a bird and open minded. Just awesome.

I am experiencing NRE, even though I have known my gf for over 2 years now. We have been in a sexual relationship for at least a year and a half of it. The last 6 months or so though, no sex between us. It has been more of a relationship building time for us...To cultivate OUR relationship....But while doing this, I make sure to shower my wife with more love than ever. For without her, I would not, and could not be happy.
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