The "I'm not cheating" conundrum

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by FitChick

I find this interesting because I find myself on the other side,my partner is poly,and I am mono but he has lots of female friends(some of whom he's dated in the past) who phone him when they want a threesome with their boyfriend. they just assume because he is openly poly that neither of us would mind. I find this 'propositioning' a little irksome as my concept of polyamory is not of multiple casual partners,and neither is his.

A related problem I've encountered is that some women who find out Curly and I are poly suddenly assume that I want to date them. Um...no. Just because I can date women besides my wife doesn't mean that I want to date every woman I know. I have no idea why they'd think I'd find them suitable for dating when I'd never shown any interest and there'd never been any chemistry.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

A related problem I've encountered is that some women who find out Curly and I are poly suddenly assume that I want to date them. Um...no. Just because I can date women besides my wife doesn't mean that I want to date every woman I know. I have no idea why they'd think I'd find them suitable for dating when I'd never shown any interest and there'd never been any chemistry.

This. When I tell some people that we'd agreed we can both see other people, the reaction from some of them is along the lines of "That's great! When can I do you?".

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

A related problem I've encountered is that some women who find out Curly and I are poly suddenly assume that I want to date them. Um...no. Just because I can date women besides my wife doesn't mean that I want to date every woman I know. I have no idea why they'd think I'd find them suitable for dating when I'd never shown any interest and there'd never been any chemistry.

Doncha know? You're obviously screaming that you're free, FREEEEEE! And clearly you'll throw yourself at the first piece that comes along and offers herself to you!

[assets]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

Doncha know? You're obviously screaming that you're free, FREEEEEE! And clearly you'll throw yourself at the first piece that comes along and offers herself to you!

lol

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

Doncha know? You're obviously screaming that you're free, FREEEEEE! And clearly you'll throw yourself at the first piece that comes along and offers herself to you!

I'm pretty certain that should I throw myself at one of them, the poor thing would spend a couple of weeks in the hospital recuperating. Now, should they throw themselves at me, I could catch them, though many would have to recuperate from hitting the floor after I stepped aside.

This throwing thing, it can get messy.

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

This throwing thing, it can get messy.

So I hear. I've occasionally found it more effective, and tidier, to trip a guy and fall under him.

[Tonberry]

I think there might be the idea for some of them that if your wife doesn't now and you are wired in a monogamous way, they wouldn't be "sharing". The wife would get the bad parts, they'd get the good ones. Also, potentially, they might be able to "get" you eventually, since cheating would mean there is a problem with your relationship.
With polyamory, even if they have you, your wife does, too. If they want to truly "have" you, paradoxically they might feel it is more the case if you are cheating than if you are not.

I too have the problem of "I'm polyamorous" "Oh, when can we meet up" or "Oh? Er, I'm sorry, but I'm not interested".
I don't know why they always assume I want to have sex with them. They wouldn't assume it if I was single, I'm sure...

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

I'm pretty certain that should I throw myself at one of them, the poor thing would spend a couple of weeks in the hospital recuperating. Now, should they throw themselves at me, I could catch them, though many would have to recuperate from hitting the floor after I stepped aside.

This throwing thing, it can get messy.

HAHAHA! You're too funny!

[jkelly]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I don't know why they always assume I want to have sex with them. They wouldn't assume it if I was single, I'm sure...

That there's a link between being single and promiscuous isn't as readily assumed in the overall culture as a link between being poly- and promiscuous. That's one aspect.

When we tell someone we're poly-, not a lot of people are going to think "Oh, I'm hearing this because I've made some recent assumption that's being corrected" or "Oh, this person has decided to talk more candidly about what's real in their life". The reason that a lot of people don't think that is just because they probably have no idea what it's like to have to choose between coming out and lying by omission. So the first reason they can come up with for coming out is "This person wants to tell me that they're available."

It's goofy, but I think that's also part of it.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Fidelia

So I hear. I've occasionally found it more effective, and tidier, to trip a guy and fall under him.

What does one say in such a situation? "Fancy meeting you here"--?