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  #91  
Old 08-11-2010, 01:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Think about it.............

People bunjee jump, drive fast, take drugs.........
Not much adrenalin flowing if it's all open, honest and part of a normal (?) day
Modern society = drama/adrenalin junkies.

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  #92  
Old 08-11-2010, 03:10 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
My boyfriend recently admitted to me that he's trying to get over some guilt at being "the other man" in my life.

:
This feeling still rises up in me from time to time...I.E. recently. It is definitely influenced by external reaction to my relationship whether real or imagined. Who the hell wants to be seen as "the other guy" or the guy who is ruining some one's marraige?

That being said, poly meets different needs than an affair in my experienced opinion of both.

I get why people would want affairs and why others want poly. I don't agree with cheating but I do get it. My biggest beef is when you combine poly with cheating in any way. To me if it isn't all out in the open with everyone, you're cheating either directly or by proxy.
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  #93  
Old 08-11-2010, 04:04 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This feeling still rises up in me from time to time...I.E. recently. It is definitely influenced by external reaction to my relationship whether real or imagined. Who the hell wants to be seen as "the other guy" or the guy who is ruining some one's marraige?
Mono, I never would've guessed that you, (who seems to have a fantastic tribe from what I've seen on here!), still has these feelings. It's ... reassuring to the rest of us, though I don't wish it on anyone!

I suppose it doesn't help that we're not really "out". I mean, I don't get squeamish holding Mr. A's hand in public or being affectionate other than when it's outside my own personal comfort level with PDA (regardless of the partner). But, we live in a small city, much of Indigo's family is there, my family is close, and Mr. A's family is close. We're all young (25-29).

A few of my friends know, but not the majority. We all have an agreement that if we are seen by someone, or if there's a chance of anyone being thought of as a cheater/cheatee vs the truth, then it's always the truth.

Either friends will see Indigo or me with a partner and be introduced to them as such, or we'll come out when the time feels right. As for any introductions from Mr. A to his friends and family in a non-accidental way, I've left that up to him.

Sorry, back to OP!
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  #94  
Old 08-11-2010, 06:51 PM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Secrets have energy. What people are looking for is not love, but distraction. A shame-based, mixed message culture encourages duplicitous behavior. For me, cheating has always equalled simple misery, but I admit, before the fact and act, it had an allure. The excitement of a lie. Lies do have energy, the energy of separation from reality. It's a willful and greedy embrace of the ego. Lots of people don't want love anyway, they just want to be desired, or to feel desire. Honesty now is the sexiest power now, for me, but used to just elicit fear. I used to even lie and say "My relationship is ending" when I was pursuing someone new, even when the relationship was actually just going along. Or I would say "We have a DADT arrangement." Ha, right. Unilateral shenanigans.

But it is definitely true that many women are not interested in open, honest and communicated situations. If I changed my OKC profile to lie and say I am in an unhappy marriage, I am just looking for excitement and adventure on the side, I would have a lot more going on. It's very funny.

What we take for love is often just an exchange of pathologies under the table.

Immaterial

Last edited by immaterial; 08-11-2010 at 07:00 PM.
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  #95  
Old 08-12-2010, 05:26 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
Secrets have energy. What people are looking for is not love, but distraction. A shame-based, mixed message culture encourages duplicitous behavior. For me, cheating has always equalled simple misery, but I admit, before the fact and act, it had an allure. The excitement of a lie. Lies do have energy, the energy of separation from reality. It's a willful and greedy embrace of the ego. Lots of people don't want love anyway, they just want to be desired, or to feel desire.
oh so true and so well said. I totally agree and have noticed this.

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Honesty now is the sexiest power now, for me, but used to just elicit fear........
What we take for love is often just an exchange of pathologies under the table.
Also agree, I felt the same way.... oh what a sad pathetic woman I was... I am so proud to of changed all that... no pathologies under the table for me from anyone.
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  #96  
Old 08-12-2010, 05:24 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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I have come across this situation, and for me, here's where it's at:

I'm not looking for something on the side, and I won't enter into any relationship I have to hide from Fidelio. When I meet someone who IS looking for clandestine adventure, I know we're not looking for the same thing, and thus simply not going to be compatible. Same as if he/she were a heavy smoker, active addict, or pro-ana. So it's "thanks for the interest, but it's a no-go." No harm, no foul, and move on.
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  #97  
Old 08-13-2010, 11:36 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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I find this interesting because I find myself on the other side,my partner is poly,and I am mono but he has lots of female friends(some of whom he's dated in the past) who phone him when they want a threesome with their boyfriend. they just assume because he is openly poly that neither of us would mind. I find this 'propositioning' a little irksome as my concept of polyamory is not of multiple casual partners,and neither is his.
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  #98  
Old 08-13-2010, 02:40 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by FitChick View Post
I find this interesting because I find myself on the other side,my partner is poly,and I am mono but he has lots of female friends(some of whom he's dated in the past) who phone him when they want a threesome with their boyfriend. they just assume because he is openly poly that neither of us would mind. I find this 'propositioning' a little irksome as my concept of polyamory is not of multiple casual partners,and neither is his.
A related problem I've encountered is that some women who find out Curly and I are poly suddenly assume that I want to date them. Um...no. Just because I can date women besides my wife doesn't mean that I want to date every woman I know. I have no idea why they'd think I'd find them suitable for dating when I'd never shown any interest and there'd never been any chemistry.
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  #99  
Old 08-13-2010, 03:06 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
A related problem I've encountered is that some women who find out Curly and I are poly suddenly assume that I want to date them. Um...no. Just because I can date women besides my wife doesn't mean that I want to date every woman I know. I have no idea why they'd think I'd find them suitable for dating when I'd never shown any interest and there'd never been any chemistry.
This. When I tell some people that we'd agreed we can both see other people, the reaction from some of them is along the lines of "That's great! When can I do you?".
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  #100  
Old 08-13-2010, 03:09 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
A related problem I've encountered is that some women who find out Curly and I are poly suddenly assume that I want to date them. Um...no. Just because I can date women besides my wife doesn't mean that I want to date every woman I know. I have no idea why they'd think I'd find them suitable for dating when I'd never shown any interest and there'd never been any chemistry.
Doncha know? You're obviously screaming that you're free, FREEEEEE! And clearly you'll throw yourself at the first piece that comes along and offers herself to you!
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