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Old 08-13-2010, 05:48 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default This is a lot of work. (TP's story, when she feels like updating)

Well duh.

Indigo and I just had another chat. It was good and productive, like all of our chats have been since we've started down the rabbit hole. But I'm tired of talking and crying and talking and crying right now, despite the good results.

Alright. I lie. I'm just plain tired. I'm actually truly glad we're doing this; we're learning a great deal about ourselves, each other, and we're strengthening our relationship. I have every expectation that this is one of those long term payouts. I'm not a patient person, and I have the sinking feeling that I am actually learning patience!

Was life easier when I had only friends with benefits? Oh hell yeah. But it was also shallower, a testing the waters before we took "the plunge" sort of thing.

And aside from the benefits to our relationship, I've already experienced a one-more-shoulder-to-cry-on moment.

Long background story short: Mother, with whom I already have a strained relationship, called Sunday to tell me that she will not be attending our wedding in February. Our wedding that she has known about for over a year. Why? It's going to interfere too much with her schooling. Aside from the obvious hurt this has caused, it also served to validate multitudes of incidents from childhood where I was placated or told that I was just imagining (what I have since accepted to be) her emotional abuse. Despite years of therapy, I was still holding a scrap of hope inside that my childhood was one big misunderstanding. That dam broke this week.

So Indigo has held me while I wept. And has been his usual comforting self. He also let Mother know how he feels about her ... which was a long time coming. He's never said a bad thing to her. This was all anticipated comfort, and much appreciated.

Unanticipated comfort: I dragged my ass from bed to see Mr. A out of a sense of obligation. I found a concerned, loving boyfriend. We had a beer. He listened to me rant. He encouraged me, when I felt I was talking about myself too much. Added benefit, he is so far removed from the situation that my irrational mind can't dismiss him saying, "You're right to feel this way" and allow me to ninja myself into another spiral of hurty angriness.

Unexpected benefits: Upon returning from Mr. A's, I felt ... better! And who else benefitted from this? Indigo! On normal occassions when I feel like garbage, I tend to take the route of sleeping it off. But instead, Indigo got an hour or two of Happy Natasha (not to mention much needed lovings of his own) before I went to bed for the night.

So, when we started this, I had no illusions that I'd just go out and find a few BFs and GFs, Indigo would find a few GFs, we'd get a unicorn, and then we'd all live together, (happily ever after, of course!), in a free-loving tribe. But I also didn't really know what to expect.

After just a mere month, I have so much MORE respect for the happy people on here. You've clearly earned it!

Into the rabbit hole; I can't wait to see where it goes. This shit's a lot of work!
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blog, comminication, depression, new to poly, nre, personal growth, vee

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