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  #11  
Old 08-09-2010, 05:35 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Tiana, dear one,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Truly.

Even though you don't know me well, we are sisters in Christ and I hope you will allow me to speak the truth to you in love.

Do not marry until this issue is settled. If you take a vow with Bob to "love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others" that's what you are committing to do. And you are not currently able to make that committment with a clear conscience and with your whole heart. So don't. From what you've written, I'm hearing that Bob thinks he is signing on for a traditional, monogamous marriage, while you've learned that you love John as well as Bob.

There is no way out of this dilemma; you must work through it. At some point, you will have to deal with it, whether it's now or 30 years from now, you WILL have to deal with it. And sooner is always better than later. Take my word for it; I know whereof I speak.

But you don't have to deal with it alone. You have the great Counselor on your side, and you can trust Him. So talk to Him. Tell him all about it. Pour your whole heart out to Him. For as long as it takes. And then listen to Him, and do what He leads you to do. If you do that, this will turn out alright.

Good luck to you, SisterWoman, whatever you decide to do. Be strong, be just and fear not.
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  #12  
Old 08-13-2010, 05:35 AM
Tiana Tiana is offline
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I told Bob. It broke his heart. He wants a monogamist relationship that I can't give him. He hates John. Through it all he was willing to accept me as who I am, but without John, because of how he is wronged by him. He has asked me to not speak with anyone about this or to John at all until he gets home from work tomorrow while he thinks about things and sorts through it.

There are things I want so badly, I DO want to get married, to have that fairy tale wedding, to have children and a family. I do not know if John can give this to me, but Bob can. But Bob doesn't understand the cost it would be to both me and John if I just cut John out of my life.

I will post more later after I have spoken with him again.
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  #13  
Old 08-13-2010, 06:21 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Tiana View Post
I told Bob. It broke his heart. He wants a monogamist relationship that I can't give him. He hates John. Through it all he was willing to accept me as who I am, but without John, because of how he is wronged by him. He has asked me to not speak with anyone about this or to John at all until he gets home from work tomorrow while he thinks about things and sorts through it.

There are things I want so badly, I DO want to get married, to have that fairy tale wedding, to have children and a family. I do not know if John can give this to me, but Bob can. But Bob doesn't understand the cost it would be to both me and John if I just cut John out of my life.

I will post more later after I have spoken with him again.
Sometimes we just have to accept that we can't have everything in life. You've got a tall order there for sure.

What is truly important here?

Is it to be able to have an open poly relationship where others will come into your life?
Is it obtaining all the things usually associated with traditional marriages and family?
Is it specifically to do with John?

I don't mean to offend, but from my perspective, Bob can give you security and a family and the appearance of the fairy tale.... John can give you passion and the understanding you are looking for. Maybe it's time to surrender the fairy tale wedding and family dream and explore John more fully. It sounds as if you really want him....but I am often full of shit
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  #14  
Old 08-13-2010, 12:18 PM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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I have to agree with Mono here,you really need to think about what you REALLY want,is it the marriage and the monogamy or a chance to explore who you really are?
I used to believe in marriage and monogamy a long time ago but when I fell in love with a poly man,my eyes were opened and I saw that monogamy was just a fantasy that I had been brought up to believe in.
I know your heart is torn but what will make you truly happy??
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  #15  
Old 08-14-2010, 04:22 PM
Tiana Tiana is offline
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I called of the wedding. I hurt Bob, very badly, and as such I am hurting more than I can handle. I begin to wonder if I should have just forced my feelings for John away and sequestered them, to hurt myself rather than hurt Bob. I would rather hurt myself than anyone else. Last night was very rough for me, and there were several times when I wished I had not been born or that god would kill me and take me away becasue hell couldn't possibly be worse than what I am feeling.

I hurt more than just Bob, I hurt him, his mother and everyone who cares about him. I still love him, but Bob could ever truly understand this part of me, as such I could not be happy with him, but it is small consolation and does not make it hurt any less. I slept a total of 4 hours last night and I wish I could sleep more to escape my own pain. I am regretting heavily what I've done, and I feel sick. I don't know how I will ever get past this, but right now I can't stop thinking about what I've done to Bob and how much I've hurt him. It hurts me to know I did this, and makes me sick that I could hurt someone so badly.

But yet I know I couldn't live without John too, he helped me last night but this morning I still feel I have wronged Bob. I wish I had not been cursed with such a big heart that I could love so many, for right now it is only a painful thing.
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  #16  
Old 08-14-2010, 08:38 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Oh, hon. Bless your precious heart.

I know it's hard, oh! so HARD! but you did the right thing in being honest about where you really are and what you really feel. As much as it hurts now, can you imagine how Bob would have felt if you'd had that conversation after you were married? Or worse, if you had never opened up to him on your authentic feelings and lived your whole life denying part of who you are? Or worse still, discovering that you just CAN'T suppress that part of you, and cheated on your marriage? As much as y'all are hurting now, believe me when I tell you it it would have only gotten worse.

At the very least, you have started a dialogue. Now you are all aware of an issue to be addressed. And now that it's out there, y'all can look at it, think about it, work through it. Or decide you can't work through it, and walk away.

But whatever happens from this point, you can move forward honestly and openly. And that is an honorable place to be. You did the right thing there.

Now, once again I have to point you back to the cross. Christ will help you navigate this heartbreakingly difficult time. Pray: long, hard and often. Seek His help and follow His lead. Give Him the broken pieces of your heart, and you will be amazed with what He makes of them. Do not be afraid to follow where He leads. He knows the plan he has for you better than you ever will, and he can see farther than you can; trust Him.

(Please note that I didn't say trust in religious tradition, or any other person's interpretation of God's will. Trust in God alone; EVERYONE else falls short.)

More help: search this forum. There is a wealth of information from people facing issues much like yours. Especially look through the "New to Poly" section. (Which is where this thread really belongs, imo.) You are not alone.

Keep your head up. Continue to move forward with integrity, love and compassion. Be true to yourself, and to your loved ones.
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  #17  
Old 08-14-2010, 11:55 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I just wanted to say I am incredibly impressed by your strength in this. I also would like to commend you for respecting Bob and honoring his love despite how hurt he is. You did the right thing in my opinion. You are being true to yourself which will carry you through your future. I'm blown away by this. Good for you and I hope everyone sees the gift of honesty you have given to them.

Wow..
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  #18  
Old 08-15-2010, 10:46 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tiana View Post
There are things I want so badly, I DO want to get married, to have that fairy tale wedding, to have children and a family. I do not know if John can give this to me, but Bob can. But Bob doesn't understand the cost it would be to both me and John if I just cut John out of my life.
Just to let you know, it is entirely possible to get married, have the fairy tale wedding, have children and a family while still being in an open poly relationship. You may or may not be able to have this with John, but even if you can't, there certainly are good people out there you could have it with.
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  #19  
Old 08-16-2010, 01:25 AM
Athena Athena is offline
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Hi T,

It is not clear to me through all this if you truly have polyfidelity as a belief, as a way you want to live, or if you were simply in an ethical dilemma that many monogamous by nature people find themselves in (and for that matter even people in polyfi relationships if they love a new person no one else in their marriage likes at all). I do congratulate you though on being a stunningly ethical person, and do indeed wish you God's love and healing, for God loves us all, no matter what faith we practice, especially when we pass God's tests for us of our honesty and ethics no matter how much it rips us up inside.
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  #20  
Old 01-10-2011, 01:54 PM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
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The truth shall set you free..
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