If someone's dating or WANTS to date your spouse

[AutumnalTone]

I've had somebody approach me about Curly and I said "You'll have to talk to her about that." I had to wonder if perhaps he thought I'd put in a good word for him or something. I told her he'd asked about her--and that was it. I won't do anything more than pass along the information that somebody asked; I won't encourage or disparage the possibility to either party at that point.

I'll only offer up my thoughts if Curly comes and asks to discuss the potential relationship. So I view it as an unnecessary step in the process if somebody comes to me first to ask about her.

[NeonKaos]

I read the question as "how would YOU feel ABOUT the fact that someone asked YOU", not "would you give permission or a recommendation to someone who asked".

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion

When my wife got her first gf, I didn't meet them until things were well underway. And I pretty much just trust my wife to find partners that will work for her....I haven't found anything to worry about so far that would require any kind of 'pre-approval' as such.

So, when my wife's current gf asked me if it was ok to ask my wife out on a date, I was initially surprised...and unsure why she'd be asking me for permission. It kind of struck me as similar to the archaic permission of asking permission from parents to marry their daughter (notwithstanding the fact that I asked her parents for permission to marry her). And since I don't presume to have much control over who my wife dates, I didn't know why I was being asked. Seemed to make more sense to me to ask my wife....since she was the one being pursued.

That being said...and having had some time to get used to the idea...and perhaps to find out a little more about why the gf was asking...checking in as it were...it makes a lot more sense to me now. And while it's still not necessary for me to be asked, I certainly appreciate the courtesy and respect shown by those who would take the extra effort to check in ahead of time. It speaks to their character and lets me know that my wife is going to be in good hands.

Imaginary, this is exactly the arrangement my gf and I have. I've dated so many men since she and I met, it would be ridiculous to expect her to meet all of them before I started dating them...

She's met exactly 3 of the 25 or so men I have dated. 2 were met well after my relationships with them were underway. The 3rd she met after I'd only seen the guy once, b/c he was a (hot) plumber and offered to come by and look at her stopped-up sink. He ended up staying for dinner and a DVD, and after that, she left the room and he and I made out on the couch for a while...

Since I meet men on okc, quite a few have also chatted here there, so they "met" in a way, before or after my first date with them.

However, there is one poly couple I am getting involved with. The husband and I like and are attracted to each other a lot. His wife sees he wants a real relationship with me, not just a play partner. She told me she has different rules for his play partners and for ppl he wants a deeper relationship with. For casual partners she said her rule is:

Be safe
Have fun
Don't forget where home is

For deeper relationships, she likes to meet/approve the other person before things progress too far.

[Ceoli]

When I started dating my current girlfriend, I did not approach her other two primary partners at all about it, nor did I feel the need to. The relationship we formed was between us first. I hang out with them, we all do poly family events together, we're all traveling to France for a week together and I'm sure a lot of the compatibility I have with my girlfriend hinges on my ability to fit with her current network. But ultimately, as equal partners in our relationship, my girlfriend and I are the first priority in terms of how to make our relationship work between us, just as it is with her partners and how they make the relationship work between them. I fully expect and love that when she's balancing her relationship with me, she is taking into account the needs of her other partners in how she prioritizes things, but in terms of who gets to say how I love her, that is nobody's call but the two of us. This is not a problem for her other partners as their relationships are very secure.

[marksbabygirl]

Originally Posted by YGirl

I read the question as "how would YOU feel ABOUT the fact that someone asked YOU", not "would you give permission or a recommendation to someone who asked".

In my head, when I asked the question it was more about social niceties/ettiquette. As in - which do you prefer - your partners potential partner to say "hello, I'm here and am thinking about dating so and so" or waiting until there IS an established relationship of sorts and then introductions IE: 'hun, this is who I'm dating, they've become important to me and i wanted the important people in my life to meet'

But I've really enjoyed the answers so far - they've been helpful. I'm more in the "I'd like to know we can all be friends (or at least friendly) before you fall in love with her" camp - but in the event that I start dating someone who's IN an established relationship - having the different perspectives helps

[jkelly]

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl

Do you want to know before hand?

How would you feel if they came up to you (or emailed you or phoned you) and said "BTW, I really like your spouse -and want to get to know him/her - I think that he/she and I have a great connection"

I'm interested in the details of my partners' lif/ves, so I'd "want to know" anything that was on their mind. I suppose I'm also somewhat curious about what other people think of anyone I'm involved with, but I wouldn't say that I "want to know" if someone else is interested in my partner, beyond that curiosity.

As for the second question, it'd depend on the context. Is this a friend of mine who would normally share with me when they're interested in someone? I can easily imagine other contexts where I'd think it was a faux pas, or even kind of creepy.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by YGirl

I read the question as "how would YOU feel ABOUT the fact that someone asked YOU", not "would you give permission or a recommendation to someone who asked".

There wouldn't be any particular feeling. I'd say I feel it's unnecessary, though that's a belief and not an actual feeling. It'd be like somebody coming up to me and saying "I like drum corps, too!" Cool, we both enjoy drum corps/my wife's company...so what?

I'm not responsible for my wife being the wonderful person she is, so it's not like somebody coming up to me and saying "I really like your art!" In that situation I'd be feeling something, because I am responsible for my art.

[NeonKaos]

Well, I was just saying that it would be a good thing as opposed to a bad thing. And of course, I would be happy for my husband, if he liked the person too.

[jkelly]

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl

In my head, when I asked the question it was more about social niceties/ettiquette.

This thread presents a very formalised ettiquette for expressing interest in someone's spouse.

[fleurisseur]

It seems to me that "true love" may appear between ANY PEOPLE.
And if my spouse can be happy with it, it would be a honor for me to offer her your dating.

In my humble opinion, this would facilitate a lot of issues. How many times I saw in the eyes of a maried girl that she would be VERY PLEASED to have me as boyfriend, without disturbances or her family life, without hiddings, fears, etc...

Same on the other side : your spouse has a nice brain etc, I would like to become his boyfriend.

The only thing that matters, is "respect the other one". Stay at your place of boyfriend/girlfriend, and do not break the family.

Remember that boyfriend/girlfriend is a "short term job" and that "family" means that we become old TOGETHER.