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  #1  
Old 08-11-2010, 06:49 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Default If someone's dating or WANTS to date your spouse

Do you want to know before hand?

How would you feel if they came up to you (or emailed you or phoned you) and said "BTW, I really like your spouse -and want to get to know him/her - I think that he/she and I have a great connection"

Or would you prefer to wait until the spouse and new amour are in a more solid 'relationship'?
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Old 08-11-2010, 06:59 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Well if I look at this from my perspective. I had flirted and talked with E our ex for months. We weren't friends but we were obviously sexually charged. Once the time came where it was turning into something a little more, I introduced the two of them. Pengrah had known there was a girl I was flirting with, but as you know I have a few gf's I hang out with and she isn't bothered with flirting. So in my world it would be a pretty mundane piece of my daily pie haha...

If someone came up to me, interested in Pengrah, I would tell them to go to town. Get to know her and if things keep clicking then fine. If they aren't clicking or something else got in the way then that would be that. Pengrah would know when and if to bother telling me if it was getting serious. I haven't had this happen yet since we started potentially dating separately. so I am not 100% sure how I will ever react. I think I have the tools in place to just deal with it. I tend not to get jealous over her.

That, in my limited experience, works for pengrah and I. You kind of need to figure out what works for the two of you

Last edited by Ariakas; 08-11-2010 at 07:15 PM. Reason: other perspective
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:09 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I don't think my husband would make the first move so I would be relieved if that happened. Then I could say to my husband "So-and-so likes you. Maybe you should talk to her about it". I would also be flattered that they had the nerve to approach me like that.


Although this is totally theoretical and I have no idea what my gut-reaction would be if it ever happened to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post

Or would you prefer to wait until the spouse and new amour are in a more solid 'relationship'?
I don't understand what you mean by this. Are you saying to wait for the spouse to start a new relationship without telling you? How would that not be "cheating" unless you have an open or DADT relationship? Is that what you mean, or do you mean something else?

Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-11-2010 at 07:12 PM.
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:22 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I don't understand what you mean by this. Are you saying to wait for the spouse to start a new relationship without telling you? How would that not be "cheating" unless you have an open or DADT relationship? Is that what you mean, or do you mean something else?
More along the lines of there is a friendship... and your spouse realizes he or she has more "romantic" feelings and they are both interested in moving in that direction.

Do you want the person who's interested in your spouse to come up to you and say "hey - I realized that I REALLY like your spouse - and I'd like to ask him out on a date - is that ok with you?"
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:23 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post

Do you want the person who's interested in your spouse to come up to you and say "hey - I realized that I REALLY like your spouse - and I'd like to ask him out on a date - is that ok with you?"
Yes.
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  #6  
Old 08-11-2010, 07:28 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I don't think my husband would make the first move so I would be relieved if that happened. Then I could say to my husband "So-and-so likes you. Maybe you should talk to her about it". I would also be flattered that they had the nerve to approach me like that.


Although this is totally theoretical and I have no idea what my gut-reaction would be if it ever happened to me.
Yeah That!

I am just starting to get used to the idea of poly, but I wouldn't want dh to be investing time and enrgy in a person I couldn't stand or even just got bad vibes from.
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Old 08-11-2010, 08:12 PM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Same case for me, purely hypothetical. I would be tickled if someone approached me with an interest in my husband! My husband and I have an agreement that he is able to pursue relationships as he feels comfortable. If he wants to have casual sex or date someone else, it's just a matter of communicating our expectations. My only concern remains that he maintains our relationship and that they aren't at the expense of our own. If he feels he has time for a wife, girlfriend, and someone else then I support his decisions.

He holds the same standard for myself, however I don't have the support of my bf for that kind of arrangement. He is mono and struggles with feelings of insecurity regarding any new relationship I might pursue. For the time being, I'm committed to my husband and boyfriend with no other relationships on the horizon.
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  #8  
Old 08-11-2010, 11:30 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
Do you want to know before hand?

How would you feel if they came up to you (or emailed you or phoned you) and said "BTW, I really like your spouse -and want to get to know him/her - I think that he/she and I have a great connection"
When my wife got her first gf, I didn't meet them until things were well underway. And I pretty much just trust my wife to find partners that will work for her....I haven't found anything to worry about so far that would require any kind of 'pre-approval' as such.

So, when my wife's current gf asked me if it was ok to ask my wife out on a date, I was initially surprised...and unsure why she'd be asking me for permission. It kind of struck me as similar to the archaic permission of asking permission from parents to marry their daughter (notwithstanding the fact that I asked her parents for permission to marry her). And since I don't presume to have much control over who my wife dates, I didn't know why I was being asked. Seemed to make more sense to me to ask my wife....since she was the one being pursued.

That being said...and having had some time to get used to the idea...and perhaps to find out a little more about why the gf was asking...checking in as it were...it makes a lot more sense to me now. And while it's still not necessary for me to be asked, I certainly appreciate the courtesy and respect shown by those who would take the extra effort to check in ahead of time. It speaks to their character and lets me know that my wife is going to be in good hands.
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:17 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Yes I definitely want to know. I hold those I love closely to me. They are apart of my everyday life. I would feel very threatened by anyone who has feelings for my husband or anyone I am dating in terms of what they might cause in our relationship. I would assume that they have all good intentions, but at this point the track record around here is not that great

I would feel very honoured and respected if they came to me about their attraction. I think it shows good intent on getting to know me better and that would be essential if they were to be involved in my life and my tribes life. their presence would mean that they are involved with me too.

Nerdist's boyfriend came to me when they first got together and I was immediately warmed to him by the gesture of good will... I see it as good manners.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-12-2010 at 01:34 PM. Reason: "formatting" ;)
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I told my husband about this thread and he said "No one's ever asked that question before?"

No, not that I am aware of since I've been on here. I know it's come up in discussions about people's situations or "rules", but I don't recall there ever being a general "what if this ever happened to you" thread about it. I would have to say that this question applies to any existing partner being approached by any potential partner, regardless of gender(s), as redpepper's example demonstrates.

To me, it wouldn't matter if my husband told me or if the woman came to me, but it would send a really pleasant message to my brain if the woman approached me first. That way, the ice is broken. there's no wondering "what's this new person like" or what-not. In fact, I made a personal decision that I will not pursue anyone who has not met my husband before (at LEAST online, lol). It's just better to get that out of the way right away.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-12-2010 at 01:44 PM.
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