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  #31  
Old 08-10-2010, 10:52 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
You guys give so much to everyone else.
Agreed.

I'm glad that journalling is helping you feel better. It's important that you take measures to care for yourself during the time that Polynerdist needs to feel better.

I'm glad that your boy has Mono in his life. It sounds like such a positive influence, like he means so much to your boy and when I heard that you were considering cutting Mono out of his life, I just felt like that would be such a travesty to remove this man that he loves so much. I'm happy that Polynerdist was against it.
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  #32  
Old 08-10-2010, 07:06 PM
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Thanks everyone for all your support, questions and concerns... writing on here is really helping me figure stuff out, I appreciate that.

So we had a rough night. We had to lock ourself in various rooms from our boy as he was following us around telling us to stop talking. He gets so upset and it makes us upset that he is upset which adds nothing to the conversation at hand... we eventually had a good chunk of time when we settled him in his room with his DS and new video game.

In a nut shell, Nerdist wanted his wife back. He said that he didn't want to do poly any more and feels he has lost me forever. He wanted to be with me all the time and me only and wanted me to want the same... he thought that if I didn't then I don't really love him... that was it in a nutshell from what I could gather.

We went through a long process of figuring out and negotiating what that would look like and what I could and could not do and what was really at the root of all of it for him and I. We talked about everything from my email yesterday and what feels like a good fit for him in regards to Mono to my showing him our calender and how it is really filled with family, play dates for our boy, dates with him and Mono and events that we go to together. Apart from poly events that he isn't interested in anymore, there was really nothing to remove.

Way back when, I asked, after it was evident that roly was no longer, if he wanted me to be present for the next while and hold space and witness his mourning for roly: including holding him, listening to him, consoling him, but he said no and said I should carry on as usual. I did for a time until I could see that I needed to make my own decision about that and make myself available. I cleared my slate as much as I could by putting poor Derby on hold until further notice, and not go to events and hang with friends. This act fell on deaf ears it seems as he thought I wasn't available at all and got angry and jealous that I had other partners and a life going on that didn't include him. He thought I didn't love him any more as a reault.

I told him that while I felt like he had put our relationship on hold for some time while NREing over roly I had not gone anywhere or changed anything from before that and was waiting for that NRE to end and settle so that we could work on a balance. Because a relationship with her was taken from him by her suddenly moving and not telling him, there was a elasticated twang back to me in the form of wanting to be mono it seemed. We are finding the balance again.

I was also angry and resentful that talks of Mono moving in with us had stopped and had been put on hold yet again because of his NRE and subsequent lack of interest. It's hard to feel connected and bonded with someone you resent and are angry with. It's even harder to want to support them when you are pissed off and feel neglected.

So, where are we now? Well, it seems that what it boiled down to was that he needs me to be connected with me as I do with him. How do we achieve that? Well, in the past we have had dinners together and fed our boy early, have set aside a half hour a day to talk and be present, have had date nights that have some thought to them and that we have had even if we don't have a need to connect because we are feeling it already.

It wasn't fair of him to say that he has been miserable the whole time as he first indicated at first as that just isn't true. We have had moments before that have led us to feeling a lack of connection and we get back on what we need to do. It's not good when we are not spending the time it takes on what makes us feel connected. That is the bottom line. When we spend that time, we are good. Full stop.

So now its business as usual I think with the added or re-added addition of paying attention to the things we need to do to feel connected.

On the housing issue. I have told him that I know longer want to talk about it and as far as I am concerned it won't happen. I need to adjust and find ways to get my need met for space and being at home with my family all together. that is the base need that I have in the moving thing. I will work on that.

In the mean time I don't want to hear about it any more from him and if he wants to talk about it then he can with Mono. If they make a plan and have an idea, then they can inform me of the ideas they have. I have given all I can give to the topic and given all my ideas and thoughts. I have nothing more to say on it. It's quite a relief to be done with it. I'm actually quite excited that I can make a plan now on my own. I wonder what that will bring.... more to come I'm sure

My concern now is that roly will read this and tell him that I have talked about him on here. I haven't told him but at the same time I haven't said anything that he and I haven't talked about. I suspect that he won't like it, because after all, who likes others to know that they are vulnerable and not doing well. I am ready to take that on with him if need be because this is where I largely get my support. It has been helpful talking here and is hopefully helpful to others.

I really don't know what goes on with roly, it seems she is having a good time sitting on beaches and enjoying her new life. She doesn't talk to me and hasn't for a long time. I am happy for her though. I really am. I don't think she realized, as I didn't either, just how much Nerdist invested in her loving him. I don't think she realized the implications on all of us when she entered his life.

It makes me angry that she has caused this wake in our pond, but really how does anyone really know all this stuff ahead of time. To me its a note to myself to never think that my involvement in other peoples lives makes no difference. It's huge, the waves on that pond could be huge when I make decisions that affect others.Perhaps if she reads this, she will realize that too.

My hope is that she leaves this alone. It's my business with Nerdist now, and I request that she talk to me first before talking to him about this thread. I hope she is just his friend.... that would make him so happy.
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  #33  
Old 08-10-2010, 10:10 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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So has he decided he is no longer poly?
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  #34  
Old 08-10-2010, 10:27 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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You still sound all over the place emotionally. I'm glad to see that some of it seems more positive, kind of like a patch of blue sky in the clouds. The date nights and just that little bit of time every day go a long way towards reconnecting. I'm glad PN is talking to you about what he needs, sounds to me that what he needs is to feel special. Some of that can come from you but some of it has to come from within him as well. (I'm speaking as the one that was having those feelings not too long ago). I think that sometimes we all want it to be all about us for a while and right now I think that's what he wants. Of course this is coming through the lens of Derby and might be totally out to lunch!

What I know of you though is that it would crush you to lose either PN or Mono as part of your day to day life. They are both so much a part of you that you would be a little bit less of you without either of them. When you are all together and just living there is a light inside you. It's part of what I love about you. You're not pretending to be something that you're not. Keep on talking and listining to each other and you'll get there.

-Derby
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  #35  
Old 08-11-2010, 12:30 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
So has he decided he is no longer poly?
I just started to think about a few things. There was the mention of Polynerdist not seeing any benefit of me in his life. So I put myself in his shoes from the perspective of what is different between when I met them and now.

When I met them they were much more open to other relationships and experiences. Redpepper had a lot of dating on the go and things moving towards becoming intimate relationships. Her and Polynerdist were exploring swinging as a couple and explored other couples as a couple and went to BDSM events together. Since I have come into thier lives, Polynerdist and her have in fact missed out on shared experiences because of my criteria or boundaries. He no longer participates in BDSM events, they no longer explore forming shared relationships as a couple. No doubt I have taken away from thier relationship as a couple. A lot of the things they once did to bond are gone from his life. I can see why that's an issue.

I have always maintained that I need to be a positive in their lives and help their relationship flourish to remain in this relationship as an intimate partner. My boundaries/criteria have not changed nor do I expect them to. So from my perspective the one benefit I seem to bring to their intimate relationship is confinement. Hmmmm...not sure if that is such a positive. More thinking to do, work work work...but it's for the sake of family and love so it's worth it
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  #36  
Old 08-11-2010, 12:50 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Dear Mono -

Not trying to be Debbie Downer, but perhaps it's time to think about "reshaping your love".

Disclaimer: it makes no difference to ME; but you have said that was what you would feel compelled to do if necessary.

Sincerely,

- M
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  #37  
Old 08-11-2010, 12:53 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Mono, it is not really your responsibility to bring anything to their intimate relationship. I can see where you are coming from about your boundaries taking something away. He obviously agreed to these at some point in time for them to be in effect. You should bring this up with him see if he sees it the same way as you do and if not then it's another thing to rule out. Honestly and I haven't been there so I don't know a thing, but it seems that this is a version of swearing off women/men when one gets their heart broken. That he is looking at everything through jaded eyes. Finding turmoil where he once found peace because the world is an ugly place that has broken his heart. I really feel that no life changes should be made when one is greiving or in a high emotional state of mind. I've learned that lesson the hard way and now I stick to it right down to when I am pmsing (tmi) If it's truly important during an emotional time it will still be important a few days/weeks/months. Getting rid of poly will not heal his heart from what roly has done. You leaving will not renew his faith and happiness and nothing will bring her back. Swearing off anything will only bring more heartache and lonliness which exactly what someone who is swearing off something is trying to protect themselves from.
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  #38  
Old 08-11-2010, 12:55 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Not trying to be Debbie Downer, but perhaps it's time to think about "reshaping your love".
No Debbie Downer felt. This would be as much a family decision as it would be mine now. We're all in deep. I have to trust in the words of those I love.
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  #39  
Old 08-11-2010, 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Mono, it is not really your responsibility to bring anything to their intimate relationship. .
We're all just raw right now...this happens and we eventually express ourselves fully to reach a new level normally. I think we are just experiencing something relatively new and foreign to us as a family...mourning.
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  #40  
Old 08-11-2010, 01:06 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Exactly Mono! No one should be turning anyone elses world upside down until the dust settles. Someone, you or Redpepper or even both need to step outside of it to a certain extent and be his calm within the storm. His voice of reason. His guiding light.
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