A lot to unpack...

I typed this previously but accidentally copied something else and lost it so I'll just summarize my problem/question:

I'm in happy, fulfilling relationship with my boyfriend (I'm calling Dee) but I've recently been having feelings about a mutual friend (I'm calling Kay) that my boyfriend and I consider to be our best friend. I've known Kay longer than I've known Dee, but it wasn't until recently that I've ever seen her as anything more than a good friend. Since I introduced them to each other, we've all grown to be very open with each other, from confiding in each other to seeing each other nude (which occurred one time for educational purposes).

I've always thought of myself as a strictly monogamous demisexual, so I feel guilty that I'm having thoughts and feelings about Kay when I have Dee, and I'm afraid of bringing this up to either of them because I'm afraid of ruining what I have with them now since I'm not certain either of them would even be interested in trying a poly relationship, whether as a vee or a triad. I say that since there's some incompatibilities (physical and emotional) but I don't want to go into the details a second time. I feel a lot of tension and longing, more than I feel like I should if this was just a matter of finding Kay aesthetically attractive, which Dee and I both agree on.

Dee has assured me on multiple occassions that looking at people is normal (I used to give him crap for it since I didn't understand the inherent desire to before, and I used to get really jealous about it), but I feel like my looking isn't "innocent", as in I feel like it's a byproduct of legitimate attraction.

I really don't know what to do. I have thoughts about doing the same things I do with Dee with Kay: cuddling, kissing, spending quality time together, pleasuring each other, etc. I have thoughts about the three of us doing these things together, I even have thoughts about them engaging with each other and I feel 100% okay with it. I told Dee last night that I've been taking notice of Kay recently and that I've been having thoughts about all of us being intimate (not just sexually), but again, he assured me that it's normal to have passing thoughts. Except I don't think these are just passing thoughts because they occur multiple times a day. Even when Dee and I are having sex, I think about what it would be like if Kay were there with us.

Should I bite the bullet and be honest with them about it? Should I just keep it locked up and go about my life as is? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

transmaz3 said:

seeing each other nude (which occurred one time for educational purposes).

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Um...like, teaching kindergarten...?

From my experience, "being afraid of trying" is somewhat non-poly. IME, we try stuff, we suck, we figure out what failed, we try again. Very few people make it work the first time 'round.

transmaz3 said:

I feel a lot of tension and longing

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Hey, welcome to nonmonogamy. Self-honesty is a great start.

transmaz3 said:

if this was just a matter of finding Kay aesthetically attractive

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IMO,"aesthetically" is an utter cop-out, a great way of fobbing your SUBJECTIVE attraction off onto OBJECTIVE observation.

Unlike (apparently) many people, I see "attractive" people all over the place, every damn day. Amusing li'l fantasies, of which I act upon like 0.001%.

You are already halfway to fantasy nonsense: "cuddling, kissing, spending quality time together, pleasuring each other, etc."

Go talk to Kay. After all, if you can't COMMUNICATE, it ain't polyamory. Lacking that, it's just Monogamist fantasy, like stereotype Romanticist breast-beating, say:

transmaz3 said:

Should I just keep it locked up and go about my life as is? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

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I'm sorry you struggle.

Should I bite the bullet and be honest with them about it? Should I just keep it locked up and go about my life as is? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

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What's your desired outcome? What's the need here? To be told you are normal for having a crush while partnered? To me it already sounds like Dee has already reassured you that it's normal to notice attractive people around you. It IS normal.

Feeling/thinking some things doesn't mean you have to act on them or that merely thinking/feeling things is the same as if you actually did them.

I wonder if it is YOU who is stressing you out?

...I say that since there's some incompatibilities (physical and emotional) but I don't want to go into the details a second time.

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You seem to acknowledge that an actual poly relationship here would not be a runner. There are incompatibilities. So it's a crush that is not going to be acted on.

I've always thought of myself as a strictly monogamous demisexual, so I feel guilty that I'm having thoughts and feelings about Kay when I have Dee, and I'm afraid of bringing this up to either of them because I'm afraid of ruining what I have with them now...

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Is this the main problem? Not so much the crush. But that having this crush is making you learn some new things about yourself or your thinking that bothers or unsettles you?

1) Are you beating yourself up because you think having a crush on someone else is somehow breaking monogamous agreements with Dee?You may have to update or clarify your definition of "strictly monogamous."

• Did you used to expect yourself to (never think/notice/feel anything for anyone else) and (practice monogamy with Dee)?
  
• And now that you have had this experience, you have to change the expectation? Now you expect yourself to (maybe think/notice/feel things for someone else), and (practice monogamy with Dee)?

2) You have already brought this up with Dee. You crush on Kay and Dee views it as normal and is ok with it. How is this ruin of the relationship?

Is this the problem? Did you want Dee to get all jealous over it? Because that would "prove" how attached Dee is to you and Dee not being jealous means you are not valuable to Dee?
Are you feeling loss because Dee DOESN'T give you crap over it like you used to give him crap for it in the past?

3) You don't have to tell Kay you crush on Kay. Not sharing EVERYTHING you think or feel with Kay is not disloyal. Is this the problem? You think friends should tell everything... and here's this thing you prefer not to tell? So think you must be a bad friend then?

That's not ruining the friendship. That's having some personal boundaries.

I feel like my looking isn't "innocent", as in I feel like it's a byproduct of legitimate attraction.

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So what if it is a "legitimate" attraction? That doesn't mean you have to act on it. Esp since you see incompatibilities.

I notice you use words like "guilty" and "innocent" in your post. Who is judging you for having these thoughts and feelings? You? What crime do you think you are committing?

Since I introduced them to each other, we've all grown to be very open with each other, from confiding in each other to seeing each other nude (which occurred one time for educational purposes).

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I don't see my friends naked. Education can be achieved without that.

How "open with each other" is that "open with each other?" Are you going into TMI land with the confiding? If it is going inappropriately close and it is causing you discomfort? Stop being that close.

If these behaviors are fueling the crush feelings? Being naked together and sharing/oversharing stuff? And you prefer the crush feelings to STOP? Then I think you may have to change action behaviors/thinking behaviors in order for new feelings to ensue and old feelings to fade.

• Stop being naked together for whatever "educational purposes."

• Stop being so "open with each other" and sharing so much or oversharing. Exercise firmer personal boundaries.

• Tell Dee you don't enjoy this crush on Kay and want it to fade. So you want to practice more formal friendship boundaries.

• You don't have to tell Kay you crush on her. But you COULD tell Kay the naked has to stop, and the sharing or oversharing has to firm up some because doing all that is making you feel weird. You want to practice more formal friendship boundaries so you can feel less weird.

• If you find yourself daydreaming? Go do something else or think about something else. Don't fight it or judge it like "I should be/shouldn't be..." side trip thoughts/and feelings. Evaluating like that just ADDS to your load.
  
  Could notice it is happening without evaluating, mark it on calendar, and go to/think about something else. (IME, there's always housework to do somewhere in the house.) Hopefully over time you will see the marks on the calendar further apart. You think of crush stuff less and less.

See if changes in behavior helps you feel better in time.

I crush a lot. I'm not at a place in my life where I could pursue. So I enjoy it for what it is for however long it lasts. With non-action? They all fade for me. Sometimes crushing is annoying -- it's a distraction. But that too fades in time.

My spouse knows when it's happening, because I tell him most of the time. (Not all the time.)

But the "crushee" doesn't know. It's not necessary for them to know for me to get over it. What is necessary for me to get over it is to just weather it out calmly. All feelings pass in time so long as I'm not fueling them over and over.

Galagirl

transmaz3 said:

I'm in happy, fulfilling relationship with my boyfriend (I'm calling Dee) but I've recently been having feelings about a mutual friend (I'm calling Kay) that my boyfriend and I consider to be our best friend.
we've all grown to be very open with each other, from confiding in each other to seeing each other nude (which occurred one time for educational purposes).

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And there was no other way of "educating" each other about (whatever it was) WITHOUT getting naked in front of each other?

I don't mean to sound sarcastic or judgemental, but you have to get honest and real with yourself, before you can be with either Dee or Kay. WHY was the nudity necessary? What did it achieve that a verbal explanation couldn't have? Who initiated that experience - you, Kay or Dee? (These are rhetorical questions, mind you. I'm not expecting you to answer to the forum in detail.)

I ask, because if it were your suggestion, that's probably your curiosity playing out... maybe even a way to place the three of you in a situation whereby greater physical intimacy might've been achieved "by default". (A disingenuous way of tempting fate, I guess.)

If it were either Kay's or Dee's idea, then I think perhaps one or both of them MAY actually be interested in expanding the platonic friendship you all have... but this would depend on the REASON for the nakedness.

I've always thought of myself as a strictly monogamous demisexual

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This is similar to how I had always viewed myself - until 2-3 years ago when I happened to "fall" into a second relationship with another woman.

But you know, people change. Our views of life and relationships change. Sexuality is not always rigidly "fixed" in stone, but is fluid. Our needs and wants can depend greatly on what stage of life we're in, hormonal fluctuations, the effect of certain life experiences and trauma... not to mention the (often unanticipated) impact of specific individuals with whom we share chemistry.

I feel a lot of tension and longing, more than I feel like I should if this was just a matter of finding Kay aesthetically attractive, which Dee and I both agree on.

Dee has assured me on multiple occassions that looking at people is normal ...but I feel like my looking isn't "innocent", as in I feel like it's a byproduct of legitimate attraction.

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So... you find you're infatuated with your best friend, which is messing with your head because...
a.) you feel disloyal to your boyfriend
b.) you don't know how Kay feels about you
c.) you don't know how Dee feels about Kay (other than thinking she's physically attractive)
d.) you don't know WHAT, if anything, you should do or say about this situation. Correct?

Have you always known you like women as well as men? If so, do Dee and Kay know this about you? (You say you're all very open with each other.) Do you know if Kay is likewise attracted to women in general? Because if she definitely is NOT then any desire or attempt to bring up trying a poly V/triad is likely to end in heartache for you.

^ Note: the above question may be irrelevant or off topic, as I just noted your user-name, transmaz... and am not sure what gender you identify as.

I say that since there's some incompatibilities (physical and emotional) but I don't want to go into the details a second time.

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No need to go into the details here on the forum, but consider: WHO is incompatible here - and in WHAT way?

a.) You and Kay? (If so, then there's probably no sense in pursuing this crush, and you should try to let it die a natural death, as GalaGirl suggests. Perhaps put some distance between you for a while and wait it out.)

b.) Kay and Dee? (If Kay does not find Dee attractive at all... and/or your boyfriend and this woman have vastly different views on life, sex or relationships... different aims, needs, etc., then trying to instigate a triad or similar situation will be futile.)

c.) You and Dee? (Are you finding yourself more interested in Kay because there's some unresolved issue between you and your boyfriend? Could you be "shifting" your romantic interest from one to the other because of this? If so, then working through your issues as a couple, perhaps with the help of a counsellor, may be one solution.)

I really don't know what to do. I have thoughts about doing the same things I do with Dee with Kay: cuddling, kissing, spending quality time together, pleasuring each other, etc. I have thoughts about the three of us doing these things together, I even have thoughts about them engaging with each other and I feel 100% okay with it.

I told Dee last night that I've been taking notice of Kay recently and that I've been having thoughts about all of us being intimate (not just sexually), but again, he assured me that it's normal to have passing thoughts.

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He is right that it's normal to have passing thoughts of "fancying" someone else, besides one's partner. Don't beat yourself up about that.

But please... DO realise that there is a vast difference between enjoying a sexual FANTASY and attempting to make that sexual fantasy a REALITY.

The very nature of fantasy means that we often desire a person, or scenario, in our daydreams that would be otherwise off limits, unwise, unsatisfactory or even traumatic if we actually pursued it in the real world.

An extreme example of this would be the common rape fantasy, or harder bdsm/torture scene. But it can include things such as threesomes, same-sex exploration, cuckoldry/cuckqueaning, sex in a public place - things that may appeal when we know there is virtually NO chance of them actually happening, but which can lose their appeal FAST when faced with the reality.

Should I bite the bullet and be honest with them about it? Should I just keep it locked up and go about my life as is? I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

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This all depends on your honest answers to the above... and if you truly believe you're falling in love with Kay, rather than just crushing on her/curious about her sexually/fantasising.

It also depends on whether or not you get a sense that Dee and Kay are likewise interested in pursuing some kind of poly relationship - either as a triad or V.

Also contemplate how you'd feel if you discovered Kay has feelings for Dee, but not for you. Would you be devastated, or would you be open to them having some kind of relationship that didn't necessarily include you in a romantic/sexual sense?

Hello transmaz3,

I am thinking you should tell Dee and Kay how you feel. That could be the beginning of a conversation about what to do (or not to do) about it. If you don't tell them, you might forever wonder how things might have gone if you had told them.

This is just my opinion, you have to follow your own instincts.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Wow, I wasn't expecting this much feedback. Thank you all for giving your input, it's truly invaluable. I won't have time to give a proper response until this evening since I want to address each of you thuroughly.

I will say that the nudity thing was childish, and I have mixed feelings about it now looking back, and I'll chalk it up to us being up way too late and being a little too bold.

I don't think it's bad to be curious and childish with ones friends at times

transmaz3 said:

I told Dee last night that I've been taking notice of Kay recently and that I've been having thoughts about all of us being intimate (not just sexually), but again, he assured me that it's normal to have passing thoughts. Except I don't think these are just passing thoughts because they occur multiple times a day. Even when Dee and I are having sex, I think about what it would be like if Kay were there with us.

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You're rather deeply into the crush, but it could still be "passing thoughts" if you decide so. Most attractions are not "fate". They fade if we choose so.
I'm not sure if anyone mentioned it in previous post, but the best way to get someone out of your head is to go no contact with them for ~40 days. In that time your body and mind basically gets un-addicted. It could be difficult, but you might need that measure with Kay, if the attraction is that strong.
Knowing that you have this tool (a no-contact break) available, you can step back, consider the situation more objectively and make a lifestyle decision.

So, the situation's been resolved--I talked to Kay and confessed and she said she only sees Dee and I as good friends and she's not sure if she could handle being in a poly relationship. I feel like my mind's been cleared, I can say with confidence that I did genuinely like her, and this has no impact on our friendship. We did talk about boundaries, though. I'll still respond to some things since I'm still questioning some things about myself in the aftermath that I hope I can sort out and potentially come to terms with.

GalaGirl said:

Is this the main problem? Not so much the crush. But that having this crush is making you learn some new things about yourself or your thinking that bothers or unsettles you?

1) Are you beating yourself up because you think having a crush on someone else is somehow breaking monogamous agreements with Dee?You may have to update or clarify your definition of "strictly monogamous."
Did you used to expect yourself to (never think/notice/feel anything for anyone else) and (practice monogamy with Dee)?
And now that you have had this experience, you have to change the expectation? Now you expect yourself to (maybe think/notice/feel things for someone else), and (practice monogamy with Dee)?

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Yes, I've felt very unsettled because it's so new to me. And by extension, it does feel like I'm breaking some unspoken agreement. You pretty much hit the nail on the head on how I defined being "strictly monogamous". That's all I've ever known/experienced, so I had this expectation that I should never deviate from it, otherwise I'm like mentally cheating or something and that caused me a lot of distress.

2) You have already brought this up with Dee. You crush on Kay and Dee views it as normal and is ok with it. How is this ruin of the relationship?

Is this the problem? Did you want Dee to get all jealous over it? Because that would "prove" how attached Dee is to you and Dee not being jealous means you are not valuable to Dee?
Are you feeling loss because Dee DOESN'T give you crap over it like you used to give him crap for it in the past?

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That was the thing. I told him that I'd been taking notice of her appearance, but I left out that I might be crushing on her because I felt like that would be me stepping outside of the confines of our relationship, especially since I've only ever told him that I have eyes for him and only him and that'll never change.

I definitely didn't him want to get jealous nor did I want him to give me crap about it (although I probably would've felt it was justified). I know he loves me dearly and at the end of the day assures me that he thinks I'm the most attractive person on earth to him, and I believe him 100%. I was just scared about how'd he react to me having feelings for someone else, given our stances and what we've built our relationship on.

3) You don't have to tell Kay you crush on Kay. Not sharing EVERYTHING you think or feel with Kay is not disloyal. Is this the problem? You think friends should tell everything... and here's this thing you prefer not to tell? So think you must be a bad friend then?

That's not ruining the friendship. That's having some personal boundaries.

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That's true. I did tell her just because I wanted/needed to know where I stood with her so I knew what to do from there. It probably doesn't help that I've never developed feelings for anyone that I didn't have the intention of dating (I've always preferred online dating because I'm very reserved irl), so this whole thing has thrown me for a loop.

So what if it is a "legitimate" attraction? That doesn't mean you have to act on it. Esp since you see incompatibilities.

I notice you use words like "guilty" and "innocent" in your post. Who is judging you for having these thoughts and feelings? You? What crime do you think you are committing?

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Also true, and that's why I've been silent for so long.

I tend to be kind of hard on myself when I feel like I've failed people, even if I haven't done anything wrong. So by experiencing feelings for someone that isn't Dee, I feel like I'm failing him as a committed partner. I know it's not true, but again, I can't imagine how he'd react, so I assume the worst case scenario.

lunabunny said:

So... you find you're infatuated with your best friend, which is messing with your head because...
a.) you feel disloyal to your boyfriend
b.) you don't know how Kay feels about you
c.) you don't know how Dee feels about Kay (other than thinking she's physically attractive)
d.) you don't know WHAT, if anything, you should do or say about this situation. Correct?

Have you always known you like women as well as men? If so, do Dee and Kay know this about you? (You say you're all very open with each other.) Do you know if Kay is likewise attracted to women in general? Because if she definitely is NOT then any desire or attempt to bring up trying a poly V/triad is likely to end in heartache for you.

^ Note: the above question may be irrelevant or off topic, as I just noted your user-name, transmaz... and am not sure what gender you identify as.

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Yes to a, b, c, and d. I've only ever liked men, so add that to the pile of questioning/confusion. Kay is only attracted to men, as well. I'm FtM, about a year on T, not planning on having bottom surgery, and before all of this came about, she's offhandedly expressed apprehension about having a relationship with a trans guy because of how she likes to be intimate, and I take no offense.

No need to go into the details here on the forum, but consider: WHO is incompatible here - and in WHAT way?

a.) You and Kay? (If so, then there's probably no sense in pursuing this crush, and you should try to let it die a natural death, as GalaGirl suggests. Perhaps put some distance between you for a while and wait it out.)

b.) Kay and Dee? (If Kay does not find Dee attractive at all... and/or your boyfriend and this woman have vastly different views on life, sex or relationships... different aims, needs, etc., then trying to instigate a triad or similar situation will be futile.)

c.) You and Dee? (Are you finding yourself more interested in Kay because there's some unresolved issue between you and your boyfriend? Could you be "shifting" your romantic interest from one to the other because of this? If so, then working through your issues as a couple, perhaps with the help of a counsellor, may be one solution.)

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It's b. We're all very similar in our interests and ideologies, that's how we've gotten so close, but they've both expressed that they don't really find each other attractive aside from appreciating that they're both good-looking in the face. So to your point, it probably would've been futile anyway. I realize I had some major wishful thinking going on in all this.

To everyone, I read and took everything into consideration. I'm going to talk to Dee next and be honest about what I've been dealing with so he's aware. He's opened up with me about looking at other people so I wouldn't assume the worst so I feel like it's fair to do the same.

Ah, thanks for sharing that you are transgender. I wondered as soon as I saw your username.

Since you've been on testosterone for one year, surely you've seen a difference in your libido? I am gender queer, my partner is transgender. She doesn't quite ID as trans, more as that she's always been female but was born with an unwanted "penis" and testosterone. She has been on hormones for 9 years. Many of our friends are transgender, or gender fluid, or otherwise quite queer, or at least gay lol.

Anyway... I have spoken to enough transmen to know that going on T (testosterone hormone) usually ramps your sexuality up in a very major way. Bio women who have the changing hormonal state of a menstrual cycle can experience a range of libido in the course of the month. (I ID as genderqueer but also cisgendered). I am post menopausal now, but when I was fertile, I was very horny during ovulation, less so the rest of the month. I also used hormonal birth control for some periods of my fertile life, which caused me to not ovulate, and suppressed my libido. I also spent a year on an antidepressant which also suppressed my libido. Once I stopped regularly firing estrogen and progesterone, and cycling, however, my libido increased greatly, as my own T came to the fore. Other women, however, experience a big drop in libido. It varies a lot for cis-women.

But men! Cis-men, transmen on T, have reported an extremely high, often near on unmanageable, libido. And transwomen on androgen blockers and estrogen, often/usually experience a lessening of libido.

Therefore, we might suspect your desire for Kay to be related to having been on T for a year. It's difficult for men to be platonic friends with an attractive woman without fantasising about having sex with her. (It can be difficult for a woman to be platonic friends with a male, or female, if she's gay or bi, without wanting to have sex with him or her, but from what I've heard, it's even more difficult for those under the influence of T, lol).

I am guessing that getting naked in front of Kay was a way of showing her, who knew you before you transitioned, what your body looks like under the influence of T, more muscles, body hair, etc. Maybe you had top surgery.

Congratulations on becoming more authentic, the real you. I get the idea that "who you are, forever," a demi-sexual person who sexually prefers men, is changing. You told Dee you'd be that way "forever." Ha! Sorry to laugh, but none of us know who we will be "forever." Even leaving the whole trans issue out, we all change and grow in the course of our lives. It impossible to predict who we will be or how we will feel "forever." It's OK to change. It's OK to renegotiate with partners and friends and family.

And even though Kay isn't interested in you sexually (lack of penis, I guess), maybe you will find another person you crush on, or love, or desire, and vice versa. A bi or pansexual person, either male or female, who is happy to date a non-op transguy. So, be ready. We never know where life is going to lead us. Live in the present moment. Know yourself. Be brutally honest with yourself and others. Don't sugar coat the facts. Embrace change. Don't waste time feeling guilty if you can't keep certain "forever" promises, and don't make anymore "forever" promises!

Thank you for more info.

Yes, I've felt very unsettled because it's so new to me. And by extension, it does feel like I'm breaking some unspoken agreement. You pretty much hit the nail on the head on how I defined being "strictly monogamous". That's all I've ever known/experienced, so I had this expectation that I should never deviate from it, otherwise I'm like mentally cheating or something and that caused me a lot of distress.

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You could view this whole thing as a learning experience. So if/when another one happens, hopefully it doesn't jar you as much.

You might consider that your views on love and intimacy might be changing from how you used to view things. Maybe this worksheet helps you better clarify where you are today. It's from "Opening Up" but you can do it just to better understand how you think on certain topics. Not because you want to Open the relationship with Dee.

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Creating-Authentic-Relationships-OU.pdf

That was the thing. I told him that I'd been taking notice of her appearance, but I left out that I might be crushing on her because I felt like that would be me stepping outside of the confines of our relationship, especially since I've only ever told him that I have eyes for him and only him and that'll never change.

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I think after this experience, you could make room in your beliefs for things being allowed to change. Life is long. I can imagine there are things you enjoyed as a child that you do not do today. Your adulthood is even longer than childhood is. It's not like you hit 21 or 25 and that's it. Adult you. Never changing from then on.

My experience has been more like every decade has its things. So adult 20s me, 30s me, 40s me, etc have all been different. My relationship with spouse has changed many times too. As we approach empty nest it will change again. Being an empty nest couple is different than being a midlife couple who never had children at all. It is not like "going back to how it was before." If nothing else, we are older than we were back then in our 20s!

I think you could take the idea that "a long life includes many include changes over time" on board and not make promises you cannot keep like "I'll never change!" or "I only have eyes for you" and similar. Instead promise things you CAN keep or do like "If things change, I will tell you."

I definitely didn't him want to get jealous nor did I want him to give me crap about it (although I probably would've felt it was justified). I know he loves me dearly and at the end of the day assures me that he thinks I'm the most attractive person on earth to him, and I believe him 100%. I was just scared about how'd he react to me having feelings for someone else, given our stances and what we've built our relationship on.

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What stances have you built the relationship on if sharing emotional/mental intimacy like you having some thoughts about Kay/a new life experience would wreck it all?

Do the stances include "When I feel scared, I can turn to my partner for help/comfort/reassurance" in there somewhere?

I wonder if you are a fearful person? It's ok for you to take up the space you do in the world. You don't have to be living afraid of how other people are going to react or respond.

That's true. I did tell her just because I wanted/needed to know where I stood with her so I knew what to do from there. It probably doesn't help that I've never developed feelings for anyone that I didn't have the intention of dating (I've always preferred online dating because I'm very reserved irl), so this whole thing has thrown me for a loop.

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You are not able to decide what to do yourself based on the fact that you saw incompatibilities? You have to check what everyone else thinks first?

I could be wrong... but I'm going to take a stab in the dark.

Did you grow up in a household where you had to do that? Check how everyone else was doing first before you could feel safe?

Like you had a parent or grandparent or whoever who was prone to blowing up and made their emotional management everyone else's job? Everyone had to keep that person "happy" or else there'd be hell to pay? Rather than that person taking personal responsibility and exercising self control and not damaging the people around them with blow ups... the expectation was that everyone else was responsible for making the world "nice" for them so that they wouldn't blow up and rain doom on their heads?

I tend to be kind of hard on myself when I feel like I've failed people, even if I haven't done anything wrong.

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You might want to work on this. Because thinking you are failing someone is not actually failing them if these thoughts are not founded on facts. It's not your job to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's not your job to make everyone else happy.

So by experiencing feelings for someone that isn't Dee, I feel like I'm failing him as a committed partner. I know it's not true, but again, I can't imagine how he'd react, so I assume the worst case scenario.

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Maybe that's something else to work on if you have a habit of jumping to conclusions.

You might also want to clarify or update how you define “committment.”

I'm going to talk to Dee next and be honest about what I've been dealing with so he's aware. He's opened up with me about looking at other people so I wouldn't assume the worst so I feel like it's fair to do the same.

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I think that would be a good idea. Be more authentic, honest, and open with your partner. Share all of you -- who you are on the outsides AND on the insides.

Galagirl