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  #21  
Old 08-09-2010, 10:00 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Was the sex on the couch a boundary break or did it just unnerve him? My fiance heard my deep breaths (supposedly) over a loud movie I was playing while Budkep and I slept together one night when we all came to visit him. It was not a boundary break, but it did freak him out. It came down to dealing with the emotions of it, but also accepting that this is going to happen seeing as he wanted us to all move in together too.

Also, have you thought about if there is any connection to not wanting to live with mono and his break up with Roly?
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  #22  
Old 08-09-2010, 10:41 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default Not to hi-jack but...

Polynerdist has been pretty vulnerable lately due to things in his life. As a result we feel it as a collective and it impacts everyone form Redpepper to Derbylicious. That's the way we work.

Moving in is not a need for me, ensuring Redpepper and Polynerdist have a solid foundation is. Full stop. I am happy no matter where I am especially if I get to have Redpepper in my life knowing she has a good relationship with her husband first and foremost.

The living room sex is a straw on the camel's back, but hardly one that will break it. We're way to strong and mature to bend that easy. People are raw right now which makes everything seem a lot more severe.

Back to your regularly scheduled blog my Love

See you in a few minutes..coffee is on!
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  #23  
Old 08-09-2010, 10:43 PM
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I hate to have to say it but it was a boundary break. An old one that we had at the beginning when he didn't want to know those details about our sex life. I assumed things had changed for him; Never assume RP, never, always ask *slaps forehead*! Since back then we all three have had sex on that couch and he has agreed and has been privy to all kinds of details about what Mono and I do in our Ds life and otherwise that I can't repeat here. Now all of a sudden its an issue because they will be happening at OUR house and not at the OH. Well, in our basement apartment.

Yes I do think it has to do with what has been going on with roly. Most definitely. He has a need for love and companionship from others just as I do. She was the second of two women he has fallen for that have ended it. He hasn't recovered and has chosen to revert back to the past emotionally to make it easier for himself. I get that and understand its hurting him and he need time. For me though, having waited and asked for what I need for so long, to have it all go backwards is very difficult. I have compromised for a long time. Compromising only works for a short period of time before it just doesn't and something has to give. To be told that I need to stay home more, and not be able to do what I feel comfortable with in my own home is stiffling. I was already feeling that way after asking for my own space in the form of my own room and asking to merge my two lives and it not happening, now I am stiffled more with these requests to wait more etc.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting.... What else can I do? I can't promise to be all connected and lovey with him, but I can wait. The thing is he needs me to be connected yet the waiting is making me uninterested and resentful. I would love to be able to just put it on and fake it until I make it, but today, I can't. Today I am lashing out, and I think I have a right to some of that.
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  #24  
Old 08-09-2010, 11:33 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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I feel your pain RP. It's a tough spot to be in when you need to care for someone else and your own needs conflict with what they they feel you should be doing to comfort them. I've been in situations before where it felt I was getting sucked into the black hole of their despair instead of me pulling them out into the sunshine. Sometimes, and I'm not saying that this is what you should do, but sometimes you have to put a foot down and say, " it's time you take a shower, get some fresh air, see some people, stop being a zombie, and know that I love you very much and I feel your pain, but you've got to stop taking it out on me. I need to be happy too so that I don't resent you when you find your happiness again."

As for the boundary break, it happens when it's an old one. People are imperfect and forgetful. Time will heal that. It's seems to be the lesser of the issues at the moment. (((huggs)))
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  #25  
Old 08-10-2010, 12:18 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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To me it appears that you may be spreading yourself a bit thin. Just what you mentioned here, makes my head spin, but I don't like to be super busy.

I know as a home body, just trying to live with and keep track of someone "I think" is too busy makes me irritable. I have also been know to lash out because I am jealous about how dh can juggle so much and remain sane. I know it's unreasonable and not healthy for our relationship.

Last edited by SNeacail; 08-10-2010 at 01:08 AM.
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  #26  
Old 08-10-2010, 12:26 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default Cataloging

I think it is important to catalog all the positive things we have achieved. When I look at the list of things I see us having it greatly diminishes the list of things I don't.

1) Your son is happy and healthy and embraces all of us as family
2) All people care for each other in our constellation...there is no faking
3) We are completely open with all our families...a hard fought struggle but one that your parents have come to embrace whole heartedly. This is a huge achievement and one that pitted us up against allegations of poor parenting and child abuse on my part....and yet we remain.
4) Each of us is self confident/self sustaining and medication free.
5) We are physically healthy and capable.
6) We help each other make time for ourselves and as couples willingly.
7) We share common values of communication and the willingness to be vulnerable to each other.
8) We trust each other to the point of sharing care of the one person who is most important and the greatest responsibility. Your son.

As far as poly families go, I am proud of what we have already achieved...frankly I am amazed at times. We've formed bonds for life no matter what happens.
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  #27  
Old 08-10-2010, 01:16 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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RP- You've had some great things to say on my blog and wish I had something comforting to tell you.

From what Mono posted it looks like you guys have all made great strides in your time together. It's a rough patch in an otherwise happy and healthy road. Do you take time for you? Reading, a bath, meditation? I can't begin to tell you how that had helped me in these last few months. Clearing my head and taking a break for me time has brought a whole new awareness to how to solve the issues Karma and I have faced.

I'm glad your using the forum to express things and work things out. You've been a great help so many of us. I hope we can return the favor.
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  #28  
Old 08-10-2010, 01:25 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
As far as poly families go, I am proud of what we have already achieved...frankly I am amazed at times. We've formed bonds for life no matter what happens.
Bravo mono. Very well put. You guys have a great thing going, no need to focus on the negative even though it is sometimes easy to do ...
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  #29  
Old 08-10-2010, 05:48 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
In the mean time Derby's husband is home. I'm so glad she is taken care of and I am not in the way of her needs being met also.

*tear*
NEVER EVER think that you are in the way of my needs being met. Hubby and I are in a good stable place and although I don't see him much I have lots to give to both of you.
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  #30  
Old 08-10-2010, 10:44 AM
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Just like to add my thoughts and best wishes to you all through what must be a very hard time. You guys give so much to everyone else it is not at all surprising there has been so much concern for you in return.

There is obviously no magic bullet that will sort the pain. It has just made me remember that one of my biggest fears about poly was always "where will this end up?" I guess maybe that's what Polynerdist is facing now?

Although at present Z's OSO isn't interested, his dream is to have the three of us living together. He sees that as his ultimate. Oddly it doesn't worry me too much. Other things would worry me more and although he has made promises; when you're dealing with intimacy and love you never really know where, or how things could end up.

When I accepted Z's polyamory I also accepted the old adage "When you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't it never was" And just as importantly to hold on too tightly we can crush and kill that which we love.

You're the one being held onto and it's a crushing experience. I have learnt , however unpalatable, that when something is really causing me grief the best way through it is to engage with it more fully, more completely, more positively. I know, the last thing you probably want to hear but it works in quite surprising ways.

And here endth the ramble
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