Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #91  
Old 08-09-2010, 11:54 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 84
Default

Thanks Tonberry! I enjoyed all of your reply, but these two points stood out to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I know something I loved about one of my exes was his acne scars on his face.
I also have acne scars, and it also bothers me. It bothers me less now, but I still think about it when I'm feeling very down about my looks. I remember concerns about my stature and acne scars only on days when my self esteem is very low.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry
So maybe your problem is that you're not happy with yourself, and then that's something to work on. At least you know she picked you the way you are, and she already had the other two, so I'm sure you provide things nobody else does.
I am not happy with myself.

I have reminded myself that she still chose me after already being in relationships with both of them, and that did make me feel confident temporarily.
Reply With Quote
  #92  
Old 08-10-2010, 12:01 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

I have acne scars and I still have a little acne at age 40. I know I notice them more than other people do, but it certainly does not affect my self-esteem. If acne scars are one of your biggest problems, then I want your life.
Reply With Quote
  #93  
Old 08-10-2010, 12:08 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
I also have acne scars, and it also bothers me. It bothers me less now, but I still think about it when I'm feeling very down about my looks. I remember concerns about my stature and acne scars only on days when my self esteem is very low.
This works in the other way to...some things you don't notice might be cute or sexy. I have noticed things that the women I am becoming close with hadn't noticed in years. Something I guess kind of forgotten but I was very attracted to

Little things you don't take notice of can be a bonus surprise too ...those acne scars may come with cute freckles or dimples...or something you consider mundane
Reply With Quote
  #94  
Old 08-10-2010, 02:30 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 84
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
If acne scars are one of your biggest problems...
Not by a long shot. I was just admitting that acne scars are one of the last things that I can stack on top, if I'm already feeling down.

I'm doing much better confidence wise. I'm not where I need to be, but I have improved.

I also see more truths when I read the replies that are posted. I would like to thank all of you.

Last edited by Vexxed; 08-10-2010 at 02:36 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #95  
Old 08-10-2010, 04:33 PM
Indigomontoya's Avatar
Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 107
Default

Vexxed,

Sorry to be harsh here. But from the advice given and your responses, you really are not looking for help in how you feel, you're looking for justification for feeling the way you do.

You have been told she had a husband and a boyfriend and she still chose to bring you into her life, but you discount the the positive nature of that statement by saying it's about your body and accent. Ok, so if it is, why has she kept you around?

You have been told that it's about your self image, and how you feel about yourself, not how you seem to her. You have said you are happy with yourself, but none of your posts read that truth at all. You've discounted that with shallow evidence about how she acts toward you versus her husband and boyfriend #1. Well maybe you need to look at the length of time of each of those relationships and realize that they are at different points with her than you. Of course she is going to treat her husband differently, and her boyfriend she has an established relationship with differently than you, maybe even put more time in with them; because they were there first. I mean it's a little ridiculous to assume that you would be treated equally to her husband, that's just a major error in reasoning there.

I am the primary with TP and what used to annoy me was that I felt I was being treated equally with her boyfriend. Truth be told I was, but she actually took the advice being given to her, we discussed it and what we came out with was treated "fair but not equal" . That suits me fine because I like the guy but frankly I was here first, I've punch the time-clock more than he has, so I deserve the lion's share so to speak; and her boyfriend actually has the emotional maturity to acknowledge the more developed relationship I have with my fiancee, and if he was acting the way you are making excuses, blaming her for how she treats more established relationship there would be serious issues. Number 3 rule we have is no direct comparisons, ever, for specifically this reason. You open the door for it and people get hurt, without a doubt, so quantifying (3 out of 8) doesn't benefit you at all, and frankly you are judging on a scale you know nothing about; it's her scale not yours. Don't say you havent actually been counting because from reading your posts you definitely have been keeping score of her actions versus how you think they place you on the totem pole.

I have struggled, am struggling, will struggle with comparison issues in the future, and so will TP. It's human nature to compare ourselves; but the advice in this thread (the beginning anyway) and one of the links provided (http://tacit.livejournal.com/241568.html) are really quite sound, and went a long way to helping me with my comparison issues. Truth be told it was that simple to read the advice and the blog entry to make me think of comparison issues in a totally different way.

There will always be someone else in other people's lives who we covet their relationship with, but it shows a certain level of emotional maturity to actually stop and realize that while Mr. A might be in TP's life, and he might bring some things that I do not, TP still comes home to me and I still bring things into her life that she doesn't get anywhere else (mostly animals daddy, sorry love, I had to make the joke).

If you don't work on actually resolving your issues of comparison you will end up continually making excuses as to why you think your grass is brown and theirs are greener is her eyes and blaming the insecurities about yourself (and it is about you, not her view of you) on how she treats her HUSBAND and other boyfriend then the relationship is doomed to fail.
__________________
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.

Last edited by Indigomontoya; 08-10-2010 at 04:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #96  
Old 08-11-2010, 10:45 PM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 84
Default

Indigomontoya, thanks for your input. You are correct that I have been hard headed, and that people have given me good advice on this thread.

I have continued to be insecure. I have acted inappropriately, and now I'm on thin ice with her, but still in the relationship as of this very day/time.

She does spend more time with her husband, and that is fine with me. When I started this thread back in March I did mention a couple of areas that I felt her husband surpassed me in, but to be honest, I do not feel inferior to him. I have felt inferior to her other boyfriend, and it had/has nothing to do with the amount of time they spend to together. I have felt inferior to him based on other issues.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
self esteem, self worth, sharing

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:38 PM.