Feeling All the Feels

Therapy

I went to my therapy appointment yesterday and we talked about how I was feeling about Laptop. She said that she thought that the power dynamic of “he chose her” was the main thing that was making me feel insecure and hesitant. That even if I recognize that he’s hunan, he made a mistake, and he recognizes that he made a mistake, that the power dynamic of him choosing a sexual relationship with her over a sexual relationship with me is unavoidable and that we need to re-enter a relationship on equal terms (if at all). She said that she thought we had done a good job of communicating, of being honest, and of being vulnerable about feelings so far and that she thought it was possible for us to work through that icky power dynamic, but only with some effort and honest discussion. First I’d need to name the issue, then explain how it makes me feel confused and hesitant about what this break-up means for us moving forward. She said it would be appropriate for me to ask him about the fact that i’ve Noticed he seems to be attracted to slender women and that I don’t fit that model. That it’s okay to be curious about that, That it is a valid question to ask him about.

I agree. But it is so hard to even imagine the conversation. Right now I just want to hide under a rock.

Some answers...

So Laptop and I talked last night. Turned out the reason he hadn't gone into details about why he and Soulmate had broken up was because it kind of (tangentially) involved me.

As you may recall, Soulmate had been hesitant to get into a relationship with Laptop (supposedly) because of her concerns over the number of sexual partners he had and her desire to limit her STI risk. As a result, Laptop had decided not to have sex with me in order to limit his own risk. This had resulted in me deciding that Laptop and I should go back to just being friends, which had disappointed Laptop (who had believed that I would be fine with the "fairness" of a no-sex rule in our relationship because I already had a sexual relationship with my husband and boyfriend whereas Soulmate only had her husband).

Okay, so fast forward a month. Soulmate tells Laptop that she is planning to have a threesome with her husband and someone else. Laptop thinks nothing of it initially, then is like, "Wait a minute...." He approaches her a couple days later and asks what has changed about her risk tolerance. It didn't seem to make sense. He had lost a relationship with me because he had been bending over backwards to make sure that he fit into her ultra-sensitive safe sex risk tolerance -- and here she was taking a new sexual partner for herself?

He meant to approach it with curiosity and not criticism, but apparently she flipped out and blew up at him. Her reaction made him realize she was "not the person he thought she was" if this was the way she handled conflict. I don't know all the details, but they tried to talk about it for a few days and then she broke it off and said she couldn't be in a relationship right now. This all happened within the span of maybe 5 days and the last time they had seen each other everything had been all lovey dovey, so my interpretation that this whole thing happened really fast was accurate...this was not a break-up that was a long time coming.

So that's the situation. I have occasionally felt pangs of guilt that this whole thing happened -- if we had just stayed friends from the beginning and never become physical/romantic with each other then this never would have happened. Maybe they would have just dated and everything would have been fine.

Or maybe not.

Maybe she wouldn't have dated him at all without the ego boost of having watched him end another relationship for her.

Maybe they would have had a major blow-up over something else and he would have realized how bad she was at handling conflict that way.

And maybe, just maybe, it's not my job to feel guilty over this! Jeez, I don't know why I am blaming myself at all! I was the least complicit individual when it comes to this whole situation. She was the one who arbitrarily decided that I was the straw that broke the camel's back when it came to her risk tolerance. He was the one who unilaterally decided that it would be fine to impose rules on our relationship in order to make her happy and willing to date him. She was the one who freaked out when she realized he'd noticed an inconsistency in her justification for refusing to date him if he was with me. All I did was extricate myself from that whole mess and let them make their own decisions.

I am done thinking about this.

MsEmotional said:

So that's the situation. I have occasionally felt pangs of guilt that this whole thing happened -- if we had just stayed friends from the beginning and never become physical/romantic with each other then this never would have happened. Maybe they would have just dated and everything would have been fine.

Click to expand...

Given her reaction to Laptop pointing out the inconsistency in her behavior, it's pretty likely they would have had issues sooner rather than later, regardless of your involvement because her reaction doesn't seem grounded in open, honest communication but rather defensiveness and ego.

There's a lot going on right now. A lot of stress.

Updates:

Job: I am in the process of changing jobs. It is really intense. I still have another three months at my current job, but I am itching to be able to quit.

Partners: Things have been generally wonderful with Ponytail. Just mellow and lovely. There have, of course, been ups and downs, but we have been really happy. I can't believe we've been together for 9 months!

Ponytail and Glasses and I have all been testing out the idea of living together. Everyone seems to be on board and interested in giving it a try, which is kind of surprising to me, actually . . . Glasses and I decided to finish the basement, which would add an extra bedroom to our house. So there is a lot of stress about the experience of getting the basement all cleaned out by the day that the contractors start working. The tricky part is also that we still don't know who would sleep where if Ponytail moves in. And I have lingering fears that it won't be enough space especially since . . .

Ponytail is really committed to the idea of having a kid. Like REALLY. I hadn't realized this, but he actually has started looking into the idea of surrogacy. This came up in a conversation that we had about the fact that Glasses is planning to get a vasectomy. Ponytail became upset because he realized that Glasses was taking active steps not to have another child in the house and Ponytail realized that Glasses really wouldn't want another baby in the house. I had no idea that Ponytail was so serious about having a kid -- even without a partner. I had always assumed that if Ponytail had a kid, there would be another partner in the picture who he would probably move in with in order to raise the kid. The idea of Ponytail having a kid AND living with us hadn't occurred to me.....so yeah, that's a whole other level of complication.

Kids: The kids are doing well. They love Ponytail. My older daughter just turned 5 years old and she texted Ponytail asking if he could come over. The spelling was atrocious, but he was able to read her message and respond to it! It's so awesome to see them looking for ways to bond with each other.

Laptop: I had dinner with Laptop the other evening. It was nice, which almost surprised me. The last time Laptop and I got together, I felt a crazy, sickening anxiety. Like, I was hanging out with him and I had NO clue how to act. We had both stated that we weren't in places where we wanted to consider getting back together and so that was off-the-table. But that almost made me feel even more confused about what was acceptable behavior. It was SO weird.

Anyway, the good news is that that was a couple weeks ago and this most recent visit was nothing like that. Laptop was actually going through a lot of stuff with LadyLaptop and so we mostly talked about that. I felt very solid in my friends-only role and I didn't feel confused or anxious about it. It was good.

So those are the quick-and-dirty updates. I am a little befuddled by the whole situation with Ponytail and having a kid. I figure we should just take things one day at a time. Finish the basement, move Ponytail in, and see where life takes us. Maybe after getting to hang out with my kiddos all the time, Ponytail will lose interest in having a kid of his own? Or maybe we will live together for a few years and then Ponytail will decide to move out and do the kid thing.....who knows?

The Big Shift

The big focus of my life right now is that I am pregnant. I haven't posted about it at all here because I was writing and responding over at the thread I made when I first discovered it: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=101301

But now I am thinking that I want to bring my focus back over here. I had started that thread with a question ("Has anyone dealt with an unplanned pregnancy while polyamorous?"), but really now it is more about my internal thoughts and decisions and so I think it is more appropriate for a blog.

So here we go . . .

I love this baby. I had always kind of wanted a third child and it feels like some sort of divine fate that -- despite condoms and partners who don't even ejaculate during intercourse -- I have had this baby plopped right in my lap (or uterus, as it were).

I am trying really hard to just not think about this too much. Which sounds ridiculous -- how can you not DEAL with the fact that you have an unplanned pregnancy to manage? -- but on the other hand, there is nothing to be done quite yet. I have already decided to continue the pregnancy, so there is nothing to be done as far as the termination/continuation decision. I had an ultrasound yesterday which confirmed that the pregnancy was in my uterus and not somewhere else, but it also revealed only a gestational sack that was measuring a few days behind of what I would have expected. No embryo. At 6 weeks, that is not crazy-unusual, but it has made me remember that this pregnancy might not even be viable. So making huge decisions about keeping the baby vs placing the baby for adoption seem premature.

Besides, now that termination is off the table, both Glasses and Ponytail are of the mindset that I originally had -- that our next step should be to confirm the paternity. In two weeks, I will have another ultrasound to confirm viability and then at that point we will start the paternity process. Two weeks of waiting. Two weeks of trying not to over- or under-plan. Two weeks of wondering.

Or, who knows....if this pregnancy isn't viable I could start bleeding tomorrow....

Fuck. I forgot how stressful the first trimester is.

And now the finale

I have been meaning to come on here and write about how things are going, that I have been feeling more hopeful, more confident that we will be able to figure it all out. That Ponytail and Glasses have both been more hopeful too.

But of course, life is busy and I haven’t updated in a long time. And now it’s over.

We went in for the ultrasound today and there was still no baby. Just an empty sac. I go in for a D&C on Monday.

I know I should feel relieved, but all I feel is devastated.

I'm so sorry.

I can only imagine what all this has been like for you.

I hope the D&C goes well and your healing also goes well.

Galagirl

I’m so sorry, MsEmotional.

Thanks.

Mostly I just feel so confused and crazy. I just want to go back to how I felt yesterday morning — nervous but excited, worried but hopeful. It so shocking when that all gets turned upside down at an appointment like this.

When this happened back in 2014, Glasses and I were devastated. We had wanted that pregnancy and celebrated it. There were people we had told that that we had to “untell” .....it was horrible. And yet, there was also the immediate action plan: recover from the loss, try again.

Now, there is a certain part of me that knows that our circumstances weren’t great for bringing another baby into our lives. So the fact that this pregnancy hadn’t been planned and hoped for makes it somewhat easier to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. But on the other hand, it makes it incredibly difficult to figure out what is next.

Part of me is terrified of another accidental pregnancy. I am now having to deal with figuring out what new combination of birth control methods I should use (when I had figured I wouldn’t have to worry about pregnancy — at least not a NEW pregnancy — again for awhile). A few weeks ago, I had decided that no matter how this pregnancy ended (termination, miscarriage, birth), my immediate next step was to get an IUD placed. But now that it is happening, I cannot fathom taking away my fertility at a time when I am grieving this loss. All I want is to be pregnant again. Going through a miscarriage without the hope of trying again is a crazy, bizarre feeling.

On no, I'm sorry.
Please give yourself time to just grieve.
Decision making can surely wait a few weeks until you feel like decision making.

Crushed and empty

I just checked in for surgery. I am hungry and thirsty and exhausted and sad.

What is really getting to me right now is just the overwhelming feeling that I am damaged and useless. The surprise pregnancy was scary, but at the end of the pregnancy I was going to have another baby. There was going to be a purpose to all the drama. And in the meantime I wasn’t going to stress about birth control because, hey, you can’t get MORE pregnant than pregnant, right?

Who would want me now? I am an emotional mess. I want the intimacy of sex with my partners so much right now (I might feel differently after the D&C when I am sore and bleeding of course.....) but I am so scared to ever be intimate with anyone again. Get too close to me and you might get me pregnant....I feel like I have lost all my “poly street cred” by getting pregnant with no real explanation for how it happened.

*very gentle internet hugs* if you want them

The brain weasels are lying to you. Of course your partners want you. They care about you and want the best for you. You are not damaged nor useless. You are loved and wanted, even now, in this hard time.

opalescent said:

*very gentle internet hugs* if you want them

The brain weasels are lying to you. Of course your partners want you. They care about you and want the best for you. You are not damaged nor useless. You are loved and wanted, even now, in this hard time.

Click to expand...

Yeah. I know. They love me and they were there for me yesterday. Having the support of both of them has been amazing in some ways — a testament to the fact that polyamory works. They are both so different in the way that they love and support me — it helps so much to have them both here in my life.

But those thoughts — the brain weasels, as you call them — are still there, telling me that my body is dangerous, and brings only stress and grief to the people I love.

The procedure went well. I can’t have sex (nothing in the vagina) for a week. And then after that the doctor said not to have sex again until I have had a regular period, so they can confirm it isn’t a new pregnancy. “After you have had a normal period, you can try again.” It was so hard hearing her talk about trying again, realizing that I don’t have that hope to get me through the darkness.

I didn’t want to explain all the mixed emotions and the complexity and confusion that brought us to this point. I asked if the prohibition on sex was just because I wasn’t supposed to be trying to get pregnant again — like, would sex with a condom be okay?

As soon as I asked it, it felt ridiculous and silly. Using condoms during intercourse clearly didn’t protect me this time around, why should I trust them now?

Today has been the worst day yet as far as cramping and nausea. Still not very much bleeding. Just a little pink toilet tissue every now and then.

I’m so scared of going back to work. I work a bunch of part-time jobs, but only one where people will have questions. That’s my teaching job. Tomorrow there are going to be 60 concerned pre-teens asking me why I had to have surgery. And I am going to have to figure out what to say to them.

I'm sorry you've gone through this. Sending thoughts for your continued healing.

With your students, could you just tell them that you would rather not share with them what the surgery was, and that you're okay now? I'm a teacher, so I get that kids that age can be seriously curious, but I think they'd be more concerned about whether you're all right than what the surgery was for.

Celibacy?

I really want to have sex.

I am not, of course, because it is too soon after the surgery. But I’m kind of wondering if I will ever be able to have sex again anyway....

This whole experience has been so awful, so terrifying, so out-of-control....how can I possibly take on the risk of that happening again?

I want to be having sex again — and soon — but this was so scary that I am literally considering a life of celibacy. It feels like the only way to guarantee that I won’t experience this pain again. No combination of birth control methods feels safe enough.

And to top it all off, I WANT to be pregnant again. I am caught between wanting to be pregnant and being terrified of an unplanned pregnancy. How can I possibly reconcile those things?

The way I see it, there are three options:

1. Plan a pregnancy. This one seems pretty obvious. You want to be pregnant? Your boyfriend wants to impregnate you? Problem solved. Of course there are more people in this situation than just me and Ponytail. As much as I want to have another baby, I value my relationship with Glasses more than the possibility of having a child with Ponytail. Glasses actually seems more open to the possibility of Ponytail and I having a child, but I still wouldn’t say he is enthusiastic. We agreed to talk about it in a month, so this option (if it ever becomes available) is off the table for now.

2. Go on “foolproof” long-term birth control. The problem with IUDs is that they make me passively infertile. And, well, I want to be pregnant. The idea of sticking something inside my body that takes away my control over my fertility sounds gross to me. I feel like I would be making myself into a sex toy for these men instead of being a human being. I know that is unfair and extreme — I enjoy sex too — but that’s just how it feels.

3. Celibacy. That seems pretty nutty, since it gets me none of my goals (a planned pregnancy; sexual intimacy). But it is also a foolproof way to avoid the outcome that terrifies me the most: another unplanned pregnancy where I don’t know who the father is.

Do you have a therapist?

Noyse said:

Do you have a therapist?

Click to expand...

Yes. I saw her on Tuesday and I see her again on Monday.

Grateful

This morning we all walked over to a place in our neighborhood for breakfast. My two year old was walking slowly and I was holding her hand. Ahead of us, my five-year-old was walking between Glasses and Ponytail, her pigtails bouncing with each step as she spread her arms to hold each of their hands.

It was beautiful. I felt so grateful for all that I have.

On the way back, the two year old wanted to join. We ended up walking five-across holding hands. Like something out of the wizard of oz except that our urban sidewalks are not quite as wide as the yellow brick road. It was silly and almost obnoxiously cute and there were lots of giggles from the children.

If this is it — if this is as much as our family ever grows — I will be happy with what I have.

Tick Tock

My biological clock is ticking . . . it's almost audible.

I'm not super old -- I only just turned 34. But I have now had two miscarriages -- one due to chromosomal abnormality, and another that is almost certainly also due to a chromosomal abnormality.

And I really think I want another child.

Perfect world? I would wait a year and see how I feel then. My daughters would be 4 and 6 at that point -- about 5 and 7 at the time that I'd give birth to a third child, assuming that I got pregnant right away. It's a bigger gap than I had ever planned, but it would mean that my older daughters would be that much more independent and self-sufficient by the time we brought a new baby into the picture. Plus, they'd both be in public school by that time, so we wouldn't have to pay for preschool at the same time as daycare.

But that would make me nearly 36 years old at the time of having that third child. IF I got pregnant right away and IF that pregnancy was viable and lasted all the way to term. If it took awhile to get pregnant again? If I had a miscarriage again? I could be 37, 38...by the time I was able to bring home a another child. Can I handle sending one kid off to college while another kid is still in elementary school?

And can I deal with the pain of another miscarriage? Can I open myself up to that possibility again?

I'm such a fucking mess right now. I wish my brain didn't swing between absolutes...one moment I want to shove an IUD up there for 10 years and then get sterilized when I am 44 and definitely done with kids....the next moment I am wondering if (and hoping that) I could get pregnant next month.

So...yeah. I guess it's good that I at least have a short-term action plan:

Meet with partners on June 16 (the day we decided to sit down and talk about this).
a. If decision is made to try for a baby soon, then, well, start having unprotected sex.
b. If the decision is made to table the discussion for 1 year (or more) then get an IUD and put a little faith in it (but keep using condoms).

When I think about it that way, it's actually pretty straightforward. The message to myself is: Chill the fuck out.