Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-09-2010, 07:07 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default Thanks for the walk and talk

Chin up Sunshine...We'll all get where we need to be healthy and we'll support each other in the process. I love you
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:00 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

Mono, Nerdist & Derby aren't the only ones who love you ya know.

We've never met but I do love the person I know on here as someone I can like and respect.

These hurdles will be over come with love and patience.

(((((((((((((RP)))))))))))))))
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:18 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Thanks for the vote of confidence Mono my love.

I wrote to Nerdist this morning to suggest that we back right up to my not having Mono be a part of our lives at all. I could remain at my OH and at home and carry on as is with two lives. I think that we would have to do this slowly for our boys sake, no more sleep overs, no more pick ups from school, no more babysitting by Mono, and no spending time at our house when anyone is there but me. Just as it was in the beginning. I thought that might help him find the path that works best for him that is not self sacrificing and giving too much of himself. I also added that I didn't know what it would do to my relationship with him, but suspected it would make my connection to him less. Something I know he doesn't want and neither do I.

He was very upset with this idea. He loves having Mono around and his being part of our lives, he just doesn't know how he will feel about living with him and knowing we are intimate and have a life together out side of him.

I told him we could take it one day at a time and that I can wait longer.
I also told him that I can't handle him saying let's have Mono move in on December 1st as he just said this weekend and then decide he didn't want that after finding out we had sex on our couch. I am struggling with the reprocutions of that emotional rollercoaster now and that is too hard for me. Instead, and in order to protect myself I have told him he needs to work on this stuff alone I think and I will not continue to assume that it will work out to be what's best for me.

I am beginning the task of figuring out what I am going to do if it doesn't work out that Mono moves in. The fact of the matter is that I have a child to consider and his best interest is that I am happy, his dad is happy and that we stay friendly and loving. I think I need to wear my big girl panties, suck it up, plaster a smile on my face and take a door out when it comes up if this doesn't get better. That could mean leaving and getting my own place at some point in order for me to be with them both.

In the mean time Derby's husband is home. I'm so glad she is taken care of and I am not in the way of her needs being met also.

*tear*
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:23 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,633
Default

RedPepper It seems that you have a lot on your plate right now. My dh is the "king of volunteering" (my term) and sometimes he just gets too involved without even realizing it. It takes takes a toll on him phyisically and emotionally and it usually takes some huge fights for me to get the point across that the rest of us are paying the price.

He is a person that likes to be busy and needs to be needed, so when people ask him to help, he jumps not realizing that he just added a 5th day of not being at home with his family. I would just get pissy and say that I hate whatever organization is stealing his time, which of course offended him, because he thought he was doing this for our kids. Only the kids were upset because he was never around. Now we have to have the rule that if he takes on something new, he has to give something else up until he can re-arange a new balance.

The home bodies (like myself) need that busy people to get us out of the house, but the busy people also need the home bodies to keep them balanced from over extending themselves.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:26 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Thanks breathes
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:30 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks breathes
You're quite welcome .
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:33 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Thanks for sharing redpepper. It is amazing how healing a journal can be and to post it publicly and receive feedback and encouragement just enhances the benefits- in my opinion.
Have you and Nerdist every lived separately in the 9 years you have been together?? If not- have you ever had a break from the day to day living together arrangement for more than 2 weeks at a time? If so- how did that time apart affect your relationship and your connection with one another?
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:35 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think I need to wear my big girl panties, suck it up, plaster a smile on my face and take a door out when it comes up if this doesn't get better. That could mean leaving and getting my own place at some point in order for me to be with them both.

I support you in this, although I hope that you can find a way to suck it up and still get what you want at some point further down the line. There are so many people who think that their romantic/sex lives should not have to take a back seat to their children's well-being when they can't have it all, but just because you can't have it all RIGHT NOW doesn't mean you are sacrificing your long-term happiness by doing what's right, RIGHT NOW.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:51 PM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

May I offer you up some of your own advice here?

"Go at the speed of the slowest person"

Yes - you and Mono have been dating for over a year, but this particular situation must be incredibly new to Nerdist.

Obviously I cannot possibly understand all of the dynamics which come into play here, but 20 months is arguably not very long for someone to become a part of your life in a permanent way, let alone move in with you and an already established family dynamic.

I'd give Nerdist some time - not backing away from Mono, but simply letting the chips settle post Rolypoly, with your new relationship with Derby, and the idea of Mono moving in. You don't need to set a date on which things should be settled. Setting a time-line creates pressure, something that can be inhibiting for trust building. So long as things are discussed and not dropped while also giving time for each other to breath and process, I think it is entirely reasonable.

There is a lot going on for you, don't you think?

Maybe sit with it for a while?
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-09-2010, 09:55 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

@SNeacail- do you think I am over doing it? I am the one that is the doer here, he is the home body. Just not sure I understand your thoughts on it all.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bdsm, boundaries, breaking up, casual sex, children, coming out, coming out to family, communication, family, foundations, kids, ldr, ldrs, mono poly, mono poly dating nature, mono/poly, moving in, negotiations, poly-fi, poly-fidelous, redpepper, rules, swinging, third partner, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:11 AM.