Perfection. Soiled by Jealousy.. trying to change.. Can it be repaired?
This is kinda my polyamory story.. seeking advice and understanding. Sorry its so long.. I have a lot to say..
In Introduction I explained a little of my situation. I have been with the first boyfriend for not that long-but I've known him for along time and patiently waited out his marriage. I could go on and on about how the universe has brought him and I closer over the years-but I wont. Dont worry.
I introduced him to a friend of mine who I met at my job..after a month of the 3 of us hanging out-all the time.. boyfriend #2 and I were having a text-talk late at night where I had started to admit my confusing feelings and desires for him and that I want them to go away because it was not worth risking the man I love. ..and in return I got a whole-hearted confession of his feelings for my boyfriend and I, and his desires to try and do everything together-at the time he was a virgin. I explained this to my boyfriend who I knew was into men and was attracted to him..we constantly talked about him so I knew he'd be into it. ...We were already throwing him a birthday party later that week and that was the night the most amazing 3some of my life happened. Everything was perfect.
Boyfriend #2 came to us about starting a relationship. Blindly-we all jumped right in.
For a month it was amazing.. At some points I made comments that upset them both. Boyfriend #2 just seemed more into Boyfriend #1 than me. ..it was hard to get over. Rarely did BF#2 and I have sex unless it was the 3 of us, except once.. I mean, how does that not make a girl wonder? I constantly brought it up..mainly to reassured otherwise..
BF#1 and I are moving out of state, BF#2 is going to come a couple months after, if it all is going well at the time..he already planned to come with us as friend back in December.. We planned a mini trip to go look for a house and me a job and all BF#2 and I did was FIGHT! Brutally. We came home early and he basiclly said BYE BITCH! And even though I KNOW I was to blame I guess I still felt like punishing them both. The whole bad time could've been avoided if I knew honestly how to not let the effects of PMS get the best of me..its pathetic but some months I am so damn emotional and vicious and I can't get a grip on it.
After the breakup I felt BF#1 resented me for ruining it and I couldnt even get BF#2 to talk to me. I spent days in bed so depressed.. not only did I lose my bestfriend I lost one boyfriend and almost the other. Ofcourse the day I finally come to terms, and stop begging-we come to terms with what happened and ultimately planned out how this was going to work.. Rebuild our friendship, our relationship and take a step back..work on this 3way in pairs. We didnt always have to always go out together-sleep together..etc..
Naturally, nothing changes. I sit and watch BF#2 get crazy wrapped up in BF#1..all while I sit there feeling used and forgotten. Jealousy got the best of me which just made us all fight and cry.. and Friday morning after a freakout by BF#2 over BF#1 and I having sex at 5am I came downstairs to talk..to ask ONE LAST TIME if he was in this for all of us or for BF#1..he finally admitted that since the trip and breaking up he was only willing to "work this out" to be with BF#1..so I was right. I was being used. Thats why he never had sex with me alone after the trip, stopped taking me out on dates..never stayed up late to watch a movie with me anymore, no longer slept with his arms around me at night anymore..cause he didnt want me. It killed me..I've never felt so betrayed by a friend, a lover..a boyfriend. So at the point I ended it, and told him what a piece of shit he was.
Over the past 2 days he told me he loved BF#1 and admitted that he was trying to split us up. Admitted that after the trip he didnt think it would ever work between us but didnt want to be without BF#1 and knew the only way he could have him was to fake it with me..but also pleaded and begged and cried for forgiveness. Constantly told me his regrets..begged and begged and begged..and I love him, but it hurts. I know my boyfriend wanted to try it again because he cares so much for him..but how am I supposed to get passed the deciet and the hurt and believe NOW that he wants us both? I was so consumed with it before I knew for sure, now that I know I was right..its going to be even harder to not continue thinking that way..
He swore up and down that he cares so much for me and was so close to falling in love with me before the trip but that the trip ruined us..asked me to forgive him and to love him and to remember who he use to be, and give that BF#2 a chance, not the one he's been since the trip.. After hours of him begging and remember all the amazing times and not the bad, I caved and gave him another chance.. Last night and today was amazing.. It seemed like old times.
I made a promise to myself I'd get a grip on my jealousy. I know BF#1 is inlove with me.. I know he wants babies and a future.. what we have is incredible and all I ever dreamed of. Its so amazing for eachother to have someone who feeds their desires. I've never been capable of only loving and wanting one man, and he has allowed me to have him-my older, more mature, stable, beautiful business man, and my young tattoo'd and pierced crazy wild beautiful boy.. and I've allowed BF#1 to visit and fullfil the part of him he hid for years and grew up believing was wrong and not welcomed..
Part of me still really thinks BF#2 is really only in this for BF#1. He swears thats not the case and he will spend everyday he has to, to prove it to me. Its things that BF#2 does for BF#1 that make me jealous..like pay $2k to get his porsche out of the shop..constantly picking him up and taking him out..always talking about scheduling date nights for all of us, yet somehow something always comes up and I dont get to spend time with BF#2.. he'll come up with ideas that should benefit us all yet BF#1 always gets to go "first" and he says and does things that super make me think he prefers his company over mine. And when BF#1 can't go or attend or what not then he asks me-im a back up..im the second choice..the other option.. Just once I'd like to be asked first..but not because its what I want, but what he wants.
I can't let what happened, happen again. But how the hell do I cope?! I should be FINE with them taking off and doing their own thing (god im having deja vu right now)..but I feel lonely, and unwanted..pushed aside.. I trusted him at first..then I started to lose trust and I doubted him..now more than ever its important to believe him but right now I don't really trust him 100%.
I want this to work. Oh. So. Bad. But all I can think of doing is bottling up my jealousy to avoid fights. I don't feel I can go to BF#2 about how I feel because I dont want him to change for me, I want him to desire me and want my time because he truly wants it and misses me. And when I talk to BF#1 about my feelings or problems he gets slightly mad, takes the other boyfriends side and tris to convince me its all in my head. BF#1 says that he doesn't love BF#2 like he loves him or like I love him. He swears he's not gonna take off and run away with him..
How do I get past the past..? how do I over come this struggle within myself..? How do I get this back to where it use to be, when it was always amazing and fun and sweet..? How do I go about getting my point across without making you guys read a novel?
Thanks for reading.. I left a lot out but figured no one was gonna read something this long-or longer..