Lonlygirl64
New member
Quick history-- We are swingers who met a couple last year and the husband (Bob) and I fell in love. We talked extensively with our spouses about how we felt and what this would mean for our marriages and friendship and both of our spouses agreed to try and be supportive and understanding and allow us the opportunity to continue to pursue our relationship. We have remained in the LS, though rarely have sex with anyone other than each other. (A source of contention for our spouses who would prefer we continue to "swing".)
It has been a rocky road, to say the least, and Bob and I even separated for a while last summer. Bob and I are back on track and very deeply in love and working hard to assure our spouses that while we love each other, we very much love them and want to remain in our marriages.
Our spouses, however, are not adjusting to poly as easily as we had hoped. Bob's wife Wanda had a BF of her own for a while and she was happier and more understanding of Bob and my relationship because 1) she had someone to love and 2) she had someone to fill her time. But they have split up, leaving Wanda hurt and needy for Bob's constant attention. My husband Harry admits that he is jealous of my relationship with Bob and while he sees someone regularly, (Penny), they are not serious and that relationship does not give him enough insight as to how Bob and I feel or what our needs/wants are.
A couple of weeks ago, Harry asked me to end things with Bob. He said he simply could not adjust to it all and that I needed to put our marriage first. I was devastated at the thought of losing Bob and of losing Bob and Wanda as our best friends. Harry and I sought counseling and after only one session, much discussion, a bit of reading, and a 3 hour conversation between Harry and Bob, Harry is feeling much better about things. Harry also realized that if I ended things with Bob, we would leave the LS as I couldn't bear the thought of seeing Bob everywhere we went and not be with him and Harry didn't want to give up HIS fun. Wanda, however, has taken a nose dive into the jealousy/insecurity pool, convinced that Bob only has eyes for me, loves me more, etc. and has done everything she can to put distance between us.
It has gotten so bad that Bob has admitted to me that he is hiding things from Wanda--deleting texts, not making her aware of conversations we've had, not telling her if we've gone out to lunch or met somewhere, etc. I have not told Wanda these things as I feel that is between them but I know that if he is hiding things from her, then we definitely need something to change. Harry may not like everything I tell him (and some of it may hurt) but I am honest with him all of the time.
I'm posting all of this because I am honestly not sure what to do. I know I need to talk to Bob and find out what direction he thinks we should take. I know that neither of us wants to leave our spouse but we also have no intention of losing each other. We both give extra time/care/attention to our spouses but it never seems to be enough. And we spend less and less "alone time" with one another as Harry or Wanda continue to take turns keeping us apart.
I suggested to Harry that we all four sit down and talk but I am not sure that Bob or Wanda will be 100% honest about their feelings (especially since Bob is already hiding things). I've tried talking to Wanda and she continues to tell me she is not jealous of me at all...yet she does small, passive-aggressive things to show me that Bob is "hers".
I miss Bob every second I am not with him...I have become more and more irritated with Harry as I blame him in part for my not seeing Bob....I lose my patience with Wanda (who is my best friend!) because I view her as "selfish" with her time with Bob (I only get to spend about 20 hours a month with Bob) ...and overall, I am just unhappy.
I welcome any thoughts and/or ideas anyone has. But mostly, thank you for letting me vent
It has been a rocky road, to say the least, and Bob and I even separated for a while last summer. Bob and I are back on track and very deeply in love and working hard to assure our spouses that while we love each other, we very much love them and want to remain in our marriages.
Our spouses, however, are not adjusting to poly as easily as we had hoped. Bob's wife Wanda had a BF of her own for a while and she was happier and more understanding of Bob and my relationship because 1) she had someone to love and 2) she had someone to fill her time. But they have split up, leaving Wanda hurt and needy for Bob's constant attention. My husband Harry admits that he is jealous of my relationship with Bob and while he sees someone regularly, (Penny), they are not serious and that relationship does not give him enough insight as to how Bob and I feel or what our needs/wants are.
A couple of weeks ago, Harry asked me to end things with Bob. He said he simply could not adjust to it all and that I needed to put our marriage first. I was devastated at the thought of losing Bob and of losing Bob and Wanda as our best friends. Harry and I sought counseling and after only one session, much discussion, a bit of reading, and a 3 hour conversation between Harry and Bob, Harry is feeling much better about things. Harry also realized that if I ended things with Bob, we would leave the LS as I couldn't bear the thought of seeing Bob everywhere we went and not be with him and Harry didn't want to give up HIS fun. Wanda, however, has taken a nose dive into the jealousy/insecurity pool, convinced that Bob only has eyes for me, loves me more, etc. and has done everything she can to put distance between us.
It has gotten so bad that Bob has admitted to me that he is hiding things from Wanda--deleting texts, not making her aware of conversations we've had, not telling her if we've gone out to lunch or met somewhere, etc. I have not told Wanda these things as I feel that is between them but I know that if he is hiding things from her, then we definitely need something to change. Harry may not like everything I tell him (and some of it may hurt) but I am honest with him all of the time.
I'm posting all of this because I am honestly not sure what to do. I know I need to talk to Bob and find out what direction he thinks we should take. I know that neither of us wants to leave our spouse but we also have no intention of losing each other. We both give extra time/care/attention to our spouses but it never seems to be enough. And we spend less and less "alone time" with one another as Harry or Wanda continue to take turns keeping us apart.
I suggested to Harry that we all four sit down and talk but I am not sure that Bob or Wanda will be 100% honest about their feelings (especially since Bob is already hiding things). I've tried talking to Wanda and she continues to tell me she is not jealous of me at all...yet she does small, passive-aggressive things to show me that Bob is "hers".
I miss Bob every second I am not with him...I have become more and more irritated with Harry as I blame him in part for my not seeing Bob....I lose my patience with Wanda (who is my best friend!) because I view her as "selfish" with her time with Bob (I only get to spend about 20 hours a month with Bob) ...and overall, I am just unhappy.
I welcome any thoughts and/or ideas anyone has. But mostly, thank you for letting me vent
