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  #21  
Old 08-02-2009, 12:18 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I'm with Vandalin. He isn't poly IMO, he's selfish. Find someone who deserves your LOVE.
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  #22  
Old 08-02-2009, 12:55 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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I know.....I have felt that he is very inconsistent and non-commital. I have poured so much time and energy into understanding the situation and trying to change my attitude and be mindful and open to the situation.

This has been really hard for me. And my heart hurts that this may have all been in vain because maybe the reality is that he doesn't want a committed relationship with me at all. In fact many signs seem to point to that very thing.....*sigh*

Except that whenever I have had enough and I tell him I want to end it because I can't take it anymore, he talks me into staying - he says we can't just run away from these problems, we have to stay and work them out. We could have a really great thing....Only as I type that I think "you mean YOU could have a really great thing?".

He has gotten everything he wants out of our relationship. I have made requests and gotten almost nothing. He is asking this HUGE thing from me - to allow him to be poly and establish relationships with other women.

In return, all I want is honesty and to feel like a priority. Like I am #1. He says he won't rate people in order of importance. That's nice and all, but that means that even though I have a lot of my spirit invested in this relationship, the girl he is "dating" is equal to me?

She has virtually nothing invested in this. She has a main man that she lives with and spends most of her time with - they have a child together. All my bf is to her is an "extra". If they were in love and establishing a special bond together, that would be different. But that's not the case - because they don't spend special time together or anything. They just hang out at the roller rink while she practices and have coffee once in a while.

No, I'm wrong - it hasn't been in vain. I have learned so much. I have learned about myself, and continue to learn about what loving is.

Loving is handling someone's heart in a careful, considerate way. Love is stopping what you are doing to turn and listen to your loved one while looking them in the face (and remembering the conversation later).

Love is anticipating how they might feel and taking steps to safeguard their feelings. Love is not doing things you KNOW would hurt the other person. Love is taking a step back from your own desires and giving time to your loved one to catch up with you and adjust to changes.

Love is desiring to be with someone in the physical realm, as well as the spiritual. Love is also taking time for yourself to engage in whatever your heart desires but minding how it might affect your lover (if at all).

I feel sadly happy right now, hah. I don't know that my bf will ever understand all of this. But the good thing is that I have paved the way for myself to be far more open in future relationships, regardless if this one works out or not.

Thank you all for being here. Your wisdom has proven invaluable to me. I am so grateful! I have a deep respect for the poly community (those who practice it honestly, heh heh) and the struggles and considerations it takes to make it successful. Kudos to all of you.
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  #23  
Old 08-02-2009, 01:09 AM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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I am glad that you added the last paragraphs about it not being in vain because you are correct. Loving someone is never in vain. I wish you luck now that you are seeing a glimmer of silver on that grey cloud.
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  #24  
Old 08-02-2009, 03:35 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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The needs that we have in relationships aren't of the same variety as those in Maslow's hierarchy. Where we food, water, and shelter to survive, we don't need a specific partner to survive.

The needs we speak of when dealing with relationships are of a different variety.

I have a need for intellectual stimulation, as do the majority of people. Exactly what form (or forms) that takes differs a great deal from person to person. So, the people we choose to interact with to get the specific form of stimulation we need will necessarily vary.

Now, needs of that sort can be met in romantic or platonic relationships. Where romantic needs can be said to be met lies in the intersection of where some of Maslow's hierarchy meets personal relationship. Maslow highlights the needs for sex and security (I think I'm still in the realm of Maslow's work), which can arise from romantic ties.

Those are needs that are addressed (if not fully met) by a romantic tie. In addition, a need such a specific type of intellectual stimulation can be met by a partner. A need for a specific type of interaction is met by a romantic partner--one not met by a majority of other people.

That, I believe, is what we speak of when we speak of somebody meeting our needs. That person fulfills not only the basic needs addressed by simply having a romantic partner, but also addresses (or fulfills) other needs--needs for specific characteristics of interaction.

A need I have in a relationship, for example, is that I have a certain measure of independence. My wife fulfills that need, neither wanting to cling closer than I'm comfortable with nor wanting more distance than I'm comfortable with. The need for a particular feeling of distance/closeness is one that she fills, so it's a need of mine that she addresses. She addresses a great many such needs or she wouldn't be my wife.

And I don't expect her to address all my needs, nor do I expect that I can address all of her needs, which is why we're poly.
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  #25  
Old 08-02-2009, 05:20 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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IMO,this fella obviously has committment issues with you. He may be poly, but he's not committed to you and his relationship with you, in other words he's nothing more than a swinger masquerading as poly. I give you an "A+" for effort in trying to meet his expectations with his poly lifestyle, but he clearly does not want the same type of relationship that you do. Therein lies the problem. Do you want to continue this kind of existence with him, or do you want something else, something/someone more stable in your life? You will have to make a decision at some point or you will continue being torn up over this situation.
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  #26  
Old 08-02-2009, 09:49 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
I, for one, have put up with every single thing on this death list (and more) at one time or another for some rationalized reason. It took alot for me to grow strong enough to say no more. I think almost all of us go through this.
True. I objected strongly to most and just thought others were par for the course. I never put up with a woman assuming she could schedule my time just because we were involved, for instance, I've always required respect for my time and autonomy in that fashion. A couple of other items on the list--no such defiance.
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  #27  
Old 08-02-2009, 09:57 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
From a guy's viewpoint, finding excuses at to why we can't be closer or more active in the relationship or to say I would rather be in a fluid relationship may be the biggest load of bullshit any guy has ever dropped on a woman. Of course, there's also the small chance it's how he really feels. But how do you feel about it? Not good? Not what you want out of life?
He may be honest about what it is he needs in a relationship. The question then becomes one of compatibility. He's comfortable in relationships that are fluid and can be quite distant without any trouble. That's not compatible with somebody who has to have closer ties on a regular basis.

It's not a question of interest or depth of feeling or anything else. It's a question of whether the relationship styles of the persons involved are compatible. My second wife and I finally figured out that we're just not compatible in that fashion, despite how deep the attraction and strong the feelings--we just can't live together on an ongoing basis.
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  #28  
Old 08-03-2009, 12:20 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Whatever the reasons, bullshit or not, and whatever the emotions, strong or not, if you're not a good fit you're not a good fit. It sounds as if he's asking you to compromise alot more of your desires and relationship needs than you're comfortable or happy with. And unwilling to do the same. I've learned that sometimes love really just isn't enough. Sometimes you have to let go.
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  #29  
Old 08-03-2009, 01:17 AM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default Gut feeling

"But I have had no evidence to prove otherwise, other than my guts. And my guts are unreliable because I am struggling with him being with other women as it is. "
( I don't know how to do that fun quoting thing you all do yet)

A friend pointed out to me something amazing the other day when I said I had been following my intuition/gut above my reason lately, and that it had been incredibly freeing and seemingly much wiser than my brain.

Your gut/pit of your stomach feeling is your solar plexus, a nerve bundle known as the "abdominal brain" and also as the "psychic center" in eastern mysticism.

The solar plexus is a nerve center as complex as the brain, but is not self-conscious and therefore unable to deceive like the brain is.

In fact, our brains many times take these gut feelings and distort them to rationalize what feels safe and logical for us, and to ridicule these strong survival urges out of having any sway over our actions. I have been reading about it online, and I find it very interesting to think about, to say the least.
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  #30  
Old 08-03-2009, 03:14 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Whatever the reasons....Sometimes you have to let go.
Exactly!
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