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Old 07-26-2010, 01:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Sex and entertainment aren't everything. Obviously you mean something to her, its been months. How's about going and getting yourself a primary now. Someone to be number one with rather than the last call.
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Old 07-27-2010, 02:58 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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It is painful to be less in the areas of Sex and entertainment.

Sure, I'll just go pick myself up a primary. It's not that easy, especially being poly.

Besides, having a primary of my own won't solve my sexual issues.

redpepper, I have to give you credit for not denying that one person can be more satisfying than another sexually. Many poly people are quick to deny that one.

Last edited by Vexxed; 07-27-2010 at 03:04 AM.
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Old 07-27-2010, 03:17 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Vexxed...you've got to stop thinking so much my friend. You've been in this for how long? The best way to gain control is to let go of it. Trust that the events and the people in your life are there for a reason just as you and the things you provide are in for theirs for a reason. Let life unfold itself instead of trying to force it. Think of it this way..if you new with 100% certainty that you're relationship was going to end in a year would you spend your time worrying and stressing yourself out until that time? Would you call it quits right now? Or would you embrace every moment with everything you have? Let life come to you in the way it was intended, stop trying to shape and cloud it with your fears...doing this will take away from the enjoyment of your present.

I used to do this same thing....relentlessly. Sure I still do a little but for the most part I've taken control of my life by letting go of the belief that I can predict anything with certainty.

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Old 07-27-2010, 03:32 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by Vexxed View Post
Women find certain things to be attractive. I think that my feelings are justifiable.
Different women find different things attractive. There is no specific set of characteristics that all women find attractive, nor will all the women who find any one specific thing attractive like it to the same degree.

Have you ever had a metamour that exceeded you in 7 out of 10 ways?
And how do you know that you don't exceed that metamour in 12 of 18 *other* ways? If you're going to try measuring these things, you really have to be thorough and know all of the ways in which you can be compared and how you stand up in the comparison.

The problem is that you're not the person doing the measuring and you have absolutely no clue what might be important and what isn't, nor how the measurements are made, nor any of the judgement being rendered.

The only measure you can ever have is quite simple: is somebody interested in you? If the answer is "yes," then you've met the standards required and that's all you need to know...unless you're trying to fuck up what you have and be miserable all the time.

Look, there's a young lady with whom I have a bit of chemistry. Anybody looking at the two of us would have to wonder what in hell she sees in me. I'm over twice her age. I've been unemployed for a long time now, so I'm certainly not rich. I weigh over three hundred pounds. She's young and bright with a killer body--so what could she find interesting about an old, fat man?

Hell if I know. I know what I find attractive about me; I have absolutely no clue what the women in my life find attractive about me. My wife, after we met online and before we met in person, once described me to a "t"--as NOT her type. We've been married over five years at this point. She's still embarrassed by that long ago email and I still take delight in reminding her I'm not her type.

Do I compare myself to anybody she shows an interest in? Nope. I have no idea how to even begin that sort of thing. I just know that she's interested in me and I enjoy that.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 07-30-2010, 04:19 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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So.......does someone have to be "perfect" in all aspects of their life/personality/etc. in order to be lovable/loved/desired???

My first husband had his Master's degree, as do I. He was employed in a "professional" job, as am I. He, however, made 2/3rds more money than I because of the very different fields in which we were employed. He wore a suit to work and I, too, dressed up. He had a great vocabulary as do I. In the "looks" department we were pretty equal...neither of us would be seen as classically handsome or beautiful/pretty respectively. We shared many similar interests and yet had our own interests that the other could care less about. We had a "decent" sex life. Not outstanding. Not terrible. He had a stocky build and was "shorter", e.g. 5' 9". I'm 5' 5" and heavy...fat...whatever you want to call it.

My second husband......dropped out of high school and had a GED. He was intelligent. He was initially a line worker in a factory and then became a house painter. He typically made 1/3 to 1/2 less than I did. Wore jeans and t-shirts daily. Had long hair (pony tail) and wore an earring. Would probably be considered better looking than my first husband, but "average" overall. Had a decent vocabulary, but used a lot of "ghetto" slang words I'd never heard of when we first met. He had a problem with E.D. quite often, but was a drop dead lover in terms of his hands, oral sex, and his words. He was 5' 11" tall and had a slender build.

Now if we look at "statistics" alone in terms of the features research studies show make one more "desirable" ON THE AVERAGE, the first husband should have "won". NOPE!!! To this day I know that I was far more attracted to and "in love" with my second husband.

Very few studies will come up with results that are "100%" true/accurate for everyone. We humans are just not that predictable. We're not robots. "Odds" may be in your favor or against you. How do you know...unless you ask and trust what you are told...whether the person you're with is the statistical exception or the norm/average in terms of what they find attractive/appealing???????

(By the way....might there be any part of you that is actually concerned that you don't measure up to what HE would find attractive since you've mentioned having an interest in him? She's already drawn to you or she wouldn't keep coming back.)

Last edited by dragonflysky; 07-31-2010 at 07:46 AM.
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Old 08-06-2010, 03:20 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
(By the way....might there be any part of you that is actually concerned that you don't measure up to what HE would find attractive since you've mentioned having an interest in him? She's already drawn to you or she wouldn't keep coming back.)
I talked with him about the possibility of a tertiary relationship between us that would be less romantic than the relationships that he and I each have with her. I told him that it seemed like he was interested, but just not right now, and I wondered if I was "projecting" a bit by saying that it seemed like he was interested. He gave me an answer that I considered to be vague, like the one he gave two months earlier. He said, "yes, you're projecting a little bit. I'm not saying that something couldn't happen in the future, but I'm not interested". He went on to say that he doesn't feel that way about any guys right now. He barely made that clear.

So, there you have it. I'm not making any advances in his direction from here on. He and I rode to poly dinner together last night and enjoyed good conversations on the way there, and back. He even complimented me on being a good listener.

After were home for 10 mins, I received a call from her. I was expecting her to call, but was expecting it to be later. I disappeared into my room for 30 mins to talk to her.

After I came back out of my room, he and I talked about some of the negative emotions that I've experienced in my relationship with her such as insecurity. We didn't get too deep into the issues as other roommates started walking around the house, but the short talk was beneficial for me.

She came down and spent 4 days with him, then 4 with me. I made a mistake while she was down. Still, we had a great time on our 4 days together, and she is communicating with me just as if I would have never made the mistake. I'm a bit discouraged and rattled though.
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Old 08-06-2010, 11:02 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
My wife, after we met online and before we met in person, once described me to a "t"--as NOT her type. We've been married over five years at this point. She's still embarrassed by that long ago email and I still take delight in reminding her I'm not her type.
My husband's not my type either :P And I wouldn't trade him for all the academic, liberal, laid-back "me"s in the world!!

Opposites attract?

Edit: I should add that we do share some very fundamental beliefs about the universe (spiritual, etc) and goals and lifestyle.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:14 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I feel like I should pitch in.

While I understand comparing yourself, I think sometimes it's just not a graded scale. Sometimes it's not better or worse, but different.

I'm going to go with numbers too for the sake of simplicity. My husband would be 1, my boyfriend would be 2 and my love interest (although I've loved him since before meeting my boyfriend) would be 3.

2 and 3 are extremely different physically. 2 is big and tall, 3 in thin and of a more average height. But when I look at them, I find both of them extremely attractive... for their respective features.
My first love was shorter than I was. I loved that about it. Does that mean I hate the fact that 2 is 6'6? No! I love that, too!

I love that they have different things they are good at and can tell me about. And I love that if I talk to one of them rather than the other, even about the same thing, they'll say it in different way. I will love the way 1 said it, and I will love the way 2 said it, and I will love the way 3 said it.

Sometimes it's not about better or worse, it's about differences. I love all of these things because they're part of who they are. I love the weird things. I love the scar or the crooked tooth or the balding head. I love them because that tells me "this is a person, and not just a person, but the person I love".

I have little interest on someone who would be "perfect". I like the human part of my lovers, and that human part is made equally of things they are good at and things they are bad at. I love that my husband can't sing to save his life. Doesn't mean I don't also love 2's good singing. They're just different and I love them for different reasons.

What you see as weaknesses might actually be things your girlfriend sees as strength. Have you brought up the subject with her? I know something I loved about one of my exes was his acne scars on his face. It was something that felt unique to him, special, it made his skin less "boring", it was a detail to look at and kiss and love. I was very surprised to learn he had a complex about it as it was a feature of his I liked so much.
It might very well be that the same kind of things happened there.

Ultimately though, I feel if you are happy with yourself, there is not reason to compare. So maybe your problem is that you're not happy with yourself, and then that's something to work on. At least you know she picked you the way you are, and she already had the other two, so I'm sure you provide things nobody else does.
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Old 08-09-2010, 10:27 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Posts: 2,872

I am someone who compares myself. With such glaring physical differences they either play to my advantage 100% or count against me. I can't control them so I try to be clear. But I do still compare.

You have to find what you are confident in, and work with them. And ask your partners, and hope they tell the truth, what they like about you. If you have both of those things, you might find it more empowering.

I have lots of little things I worry about when meeting new partners or being with people. I am a big guy, 6'5 and 270 will do that...some people love it and some people hate it. etc. I could go on. I also have an attitude...people either love it or hate it. I can only be myself and hope whoever I am with likes that strength...
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Old 08-09-2010, 10:36 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Location: new england
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I compare myself to people sometimes, and nowadays, it usually goes something like this:

"I used to be a lot hotter than you"

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