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  #21  
Old 08-03-2010, 06:30 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by sunflower View Post
Isn't this just what happens with most relationships? You get to know someone, you have fun, but it fizzles out, or doesn't really work, and you move on? I don't think that's "addication to NRE", it's just dating.
I would agree that it could be seen as dating. This is how I see it. Sometimes its not so much a fizzling out so much as a carrying on a friendship because you already socialized together thing. Almost like people are trying each other on or using each other for a specific need one time only or only when that moment arises again. Some call this "networking" apparently, although I have only ever heard this term once before from someone.
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  #22  
Old 08-03-2010, 04:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by sunflower View Post
Isn't this just what happens with most relationships? You get to know someone, you have fun, but it fizzles out, or doesn't really work, and you move on? I don't think that's "addication to NRE", it's just dating.
My point was meant more to showcase the extreme. I am a dater...but there are people who have been on the other forum who have a noticeable addiction for the energy. They ride the drama it causes like an emotional wave allowing it to create drama around them. When things settle into a relationship, they jump ship and find the new wave

Thats very different than dating
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  #23  
Old 08-04-2010, 10:40 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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JKelly"I'm not sure how to answer this question. If I somehow knew right now that I would never fall in love with anyone new for the rest of my life, I'd be sad about that. It'd imply that I was going to spend the rest of my life meeting people who I don't find loveable! "

This brought up some sadness for me because this is exactly the way I used to feel when I was in a bad marriage. Now I have a great relationship I just don't feel this anymore so while my brain knows that others can still feel like this in good relationships my heart still cries (sometimes).
Well, rest assured that I'm not in a bad marriage!

I think that the scenario is a little more complicated than my presentation above, because there is also one's own ability to love that's part of the equation. That doesn't really change my answer though; if I found myself unable to love people, I'd feel like some very important part of my emotional experience was being shut down. I'd think of it as a problem to do some self-work on, I mean. I'd be pretty surprised if the greatness of any one relationship changed that.
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  #24  
Old 08-07-2010, 07:25 PM
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More people that you care about mean more people that you hurt for when they are hurting. (The payoff of course is that more people you care about mean that you feel joy for when they are joyful).
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  #25  
Old 08-08-2010, 01:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by rubyfish View Post
I can say this in all honesty, for me, once I came to terms with being poly, it has been as easy as breathing. For me, there are no new, additional downsides. .
I agree with this. I now acknowledge I am naturally poly. I was in a mono relationship for 33 yrs, and suppressing that part of my personality was damaging to both me and my ex.

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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
My 12 year monogamous relationship was much harder than my current poly relationships but that's just because I had a lot of emotional work to do back then and also I had no relationship skills yet and I had to learn all of that. Now that I'm older (and wiser) relationships are just easier!! Since I'm poly now, it seems that poly relationships are easier to me.
Yes. Now that I am free of the marriage that didnt suit me, I am much more open and honest with all the people I love and/or date. I don't have to hide my crushes or attractions anymore.
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  #26  
Old 08-08-2010, 06:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Can I ever be content? Yes. Is there a limit to how many times I might fall in love? I don't know.

I was with my husband for 5 years, identifying as polyamourous, before I fell in love again. Then only a few months later, I fell in love AGAIN.
Right now this third man is my boyfriend, and the second one is "just" my love interest. I have feelings for him. I hope things might develop further. I'd be glad to be just friends, too, as long as we stay in touch.

For me, there is no "I'm not content, I'm looking for more people to fill a void". I've never looked for people, whether I was single or not. For me, it's more, you go through life, taking care of your current relationship if any and savouring it, and then you might fall in love with someone else, or be attracted to someone, depending on the kind of relationship you're interested in I guess. I'm not one for casual sex, I need a deep emotional investment, I need "serious" relationships. Whether it end up being a live-in thing or a long-distance, see you a few times a year kind of thing, I want to enter a relationship with no doubt that if I can help it, it will last for a very long time if not forever.

I can't personally imagine dumping someone after the NRE is replaced with ORE. I have to say, though, right now I am experiencing limerence, NRE and ORE with the three men I love, and it's interesting to feel all three at once. I wouldn't say one is better than the other though, they're all different, and ultimately what matters to me is the people, being around them, spending my life with them.

So I guess I can see how NRE can be addictive and why so many people, poly or not, get "their fix" and move on. And I feel it's fine if it's okay with everyone. Less so if you take people and dump them when you're done with them.

To reply to the other question, the challenges... I would say that a mono/poly relationship is harder than a poly/poly relationship, too. My husband is mono and I often feel like I neglect him. He has mentioned being very happy for me but at the same time a bit envious of my NRE and hoping he could experience that too.
Actually he is starting to wonder if he might be able to be happy either way. It puts me in a weird place, since on the one hand I know it would be easier for our relationship if he was poly, because we'd be more on the same page, on the other hand I don't want to encourage him to become something he might not be. So he really needs to figure it out on his own.

I think the main challenge when you are a poly person is telling it to someone you love, whether you're current partner or someone you're interested in. Because there is always the risk that this person, that you care about so much, will think less of you, or be hurt, and that's a very scary thought.
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  #27  
Old 08-08-2010, 06:55 PM
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Thanks for your replies, I find them all very interesting.

Yep, Tonberry I agree that poly/poly is easier than mono/poly and I'm going to give that route a try.

As for the downsides:- My poly partner (who I've only recently educated to the point that he realizes he is poly)felt a great sense of loss when he got married (not to me) and had to give up all his female friends. That to me is a downside, in that our society, hasn't recognized polyamorous people as legitimately having different needs from monogamous people. Many of you have had years trying to fit yourselves into the monogamous norm and experienced lots of pain in the process.

Due to a shift and the fact that he's working from home he is now trying to make some new, local, female "friendships" while being honest about his poly nature. It isn't easy and I see his frustrations. That is another downside.
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