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Old 08-07-2010, 05:51 AM
Spades Spades is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3
Default new at poly, cant tell if these are probs or I'm worrying too much

Hi, I just joined this board:]

So, my long term partner and I have been exploring poly for the last 2 years, our relationship is strong and good and is going on 6 years. I have been dating people these 2 years pretty casually, and all singles. but a few months ago, I met someone who I really like and with whom I am forming a nice relationship. He is not single, he is married, poly, and with an infant and another little one.

so a couple problems seem to be brewing....but I'm not sure. things seem a lot more confusing to me, more than ever before. as if monogamous dating weren't already a little sensitive, this is just almost too much.

--the first problem is that his wife wants nothing to do with me. we've never met, but he seems to think we won't like each other and should not meet. and there are complications such as she seems to be going through a lot of difficulty with post partum depression, insomnia, feeling threatened.

--we have agreed to sexual exclusivity, but his real time constraints and sheer exhaustion means we don't see each other that much, once every 2 weeks on average. we agreed to sexual exclusivity for health and emotional reasons. meaning no one will have sex with anyone new without getting consent. but it makes me feel like he is more on the level of significant other, when our actual physical time spent is becoming more like someone I would date casually. we chat regularly during the week though.

In some regards, I feel so uncomfortable about all this that I just want to break it off, but I really like him. and I am also not sure if my discomfort really has more to do with my own shifting expectations--going from monogamous relationship 'scripts', to figuring out how poly relations work, and also for me, dating someone with a family. exp when Im used to dating single people who are a lot more eager to spend time with me. I guess under this all, I feel hurt and neglected.

we're planning to talk soon. I sometimes think his wife's refusal to have anything to do with me is a big red flag. but we've only been dating 3 months, and she is going through a hell of a lot. like I said though, I'm newish at this.

what do you think, any experiences or gems of wisdom to share that might help me along??
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