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  #81  
Old 08-02-2010, 09:36 AM
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Did this get made into a new thread? I've been thinking about this a lot.
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  #82  
Old 08-02-2010, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Mendalla View Post
I tend to feel that focussing on one person (at a time, mind you) is what gives depth and intimacy in a relationship. If we start having other people involved in a relationship both emotionally and physically, then that seems like it will reduce the depth and intimacy by dividing it up or, more accurately, spreading it out. This may not be as much of a problem if the multiple relationships are primarily physical, since I can accept the idea that physical pleasure can be focussed on a per occasion basis. However, it is very hard to see how one's love, affection, etc. can be spread across multiple partners in the longterm without somehow reducing the depth. Love may be infinite (not convinced of that, though), but there's a strong impulse in my mono heart to see it as on some way finite.
My bold.

There's the rub, right there. Love is infinite. One can deeply love more than one person at once. Can't you deeply love your sister and your mother? Doesnt a parent (ideally) love each child as deeply as if it was her only child?

To continue the child metaphor...

Many mothers who become pregnant a second time do wonder if they can possibly love the 2nd child as much as they do the first. Once the baby comes, they do. Then of course, at first there is NRE between the mother and the newborn, and she must make an effort to pay enough attention to the older child. But once the dust settles, this become effortless.

It can seem like more work parenting/loving 2 children, but in the long run, having 2 (or more) kids, is actually good for everyone... the siblings entertain each other, learn from each other, and the parents get to see the first child is her own person (as is the 2nd child), born w unique qualities, and not just a product of their (im)perfect parenting.
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  #83  
Old 08-02-2010, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
My bold.

There's the rub, right there. Love is infinite. One can deeply love more than one person at once. Can't you deeply love your sister and your mother? Doesnt a parent (ideally) love each child as deeply as if it was her only child?

To continue the child metaphor...

Many mothers who become pregnant a second time do wonder if they can possibly love the 2nd child as much as they do the first. Once the baby comes, they do. Then of course, at first there is NRE between the mother and the newborn, and she must make an effort to pay enough attention to the older child. But once the dust settles, this become effortless.

It can seem like more work parenting/loving 2 children, but in the long run, having 2 (or more) kids, is actually good for everyone... the siblings entertain each other, learn from each other, and the parents get to see the first child is her own person (as is the 2nd child), born w unique qualities, and not just a product of their (im)perfect parenting.
Well...

I totally respect that you think that. But, as I'm still trying to make sense of things, I noticed a difference between myself and Erato. Her love is infinite in that she can expand it for multiple people, partake in it completely. I think mine is infinite in that I feel no need or even want to expand on it with any other person. Being with her, I'm happy with everyone in my life as being just friends. I fulfill her needs in our relationship completely, but I don't fill them in others, yet she's able to pursue those others to fulfill them while I'm not able. However, she fulfills my needs as well as my needs around every other woman I could be interested in.

So, I guess she spreads her own infinite love to other people, I spread mine in a different way. I spread it to fill gaps with other people, without spreading it to the other people. Because I don't want it, I'm not interested in the extra work/risks/energy spent involved in having multiple partners (both balancing them and just the normal work for maintaining any relationship) for something I feel I already have with Erato. If that makes sense?
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  #84  
Old 08-03-2010, 01:04 AM
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The loving more than one child thing is true. I have two children and love them both. Not one more than the other. But the love for my wife is different than love for my children. I think you need a new metaphor. I love my parents but its different from my K. I love my friends, again its different. I have infinite love for all, just different levels.
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  #85  
Old 08-03-2010, 02:59 AM
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I'm not interested in the extra work/risks/energy spent involved in having multiple partners (both balancing them and just the normal work for maintaining any relationship) for something I feel I already have with Erato. If that makes sense?

Sure, it's work. I didnt have time for poly relationships when my kids were younger. I am impressed w ppl who combine mult love relationships w intensive parenting of younger kids. Mine are all young adults now, and one of them is poly too!
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  #86  
Old 08-03-2010, 03:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Bold View Post
So, I guess she spreads her own infinite love to other people, I spread mine in a different way. I spread it to fill gaps with other people, without spreading it to the other people. Because I don't want it, I'm not interested in the extra work/risks/energy spent involved in having multiple partners (both balancing them and just the normal work for maintaining any relationship) for something I feel I already have with Erato. If that makes sense?
I don't mean to simplify things, but one of the factors that could contribute to whether or not a person desires multiple partners could be whether they are an introvert or an extrovert. An extrovert takes pleasure in multiple relationships (friendships and acquaintances) and in fact could feel unfulfilled when not able to participate in this type of multiple relationships. For some extroverts (especially if a person is an extreme extrovert) the desire for several intimate partners just seems natural.

On the other hand, and introvert (especially an extreme introvert) could be overwhelmed just by the thought of having to maintain multiple relationships. Rather than being something that enhances their life, it would feel like a burden if they were expected to develop and maintain multiple relationships.

Just a thought !!
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  #87  
Old 08-03-2010, 03:48 AM
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I'm introverted and poly. Just sayin'.
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  #88  
Old 08-03-2010, 04:09 AM
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post

On the other hand, and introvert (especially an extreme introvert) could be overwhelmed just by the thought of having to maintain multiple relationships. Rather than being something that enhances their life, it would feel like a burden if they were expected to develop and maintain multiple relationships.

Just a thought !!
And an interesting thought it is Idealist! Me and Polynerdist recently spoke about the energy we put into friendships in general. I am a mix of introvert and extrovert but definitely have a tendency to see individual friendships to be a burden in some ways. I like to mingle casually but don't invest or make myself available to many specific people out side of group settings. The people I do invest in get a lot from me though. I definitely see some validity in your comment beyond any relationship to mono/poly issues. Do I think it plays a lot into how I am monogamous...maybe a little, but for the most part I just love one person intimately. For me it is a comment very valid towards how I see friendships in general however.
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  #89  
Old 08-03-2010, 03:36 PM
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I'm introverted and poly. Just sayin'.
So is my gf. She's shy but friendly. Actually she's def poly at heart but has only had one other lover since we met 18 mos ago. We do both talk about our flirtations and crushes... but it's been easy for me that she doesnt date much. I dont actually have to deal much w jealousy/compersion. And yet, ive dated many since we met, and she is always fine w it. In fact, she kinda gets turned on by others desiring me.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
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  #90  
Old 08-03-2010, 08:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
I don't mean to simplify things, but one of the factors that could contribute to whether or not a person desires multiple partners could be whether they are an introvert or an extrovert. An extrovert takes pleasure in multiple relationships (friendships and acquaintances) and in fact could feel unfulfilled when not able to participate in this type of multiple relationships. For some extroverts (especially if a person is an extreme extrovert) the desire for several intimate partners just seems natural.

On the other hand, and introvert (especially an extreme introvert) could be overwhelmed just by the thought of having to maintain multiple relationships. Rather than being something that enhances their life, it would feel like a burden if they were expected to develop and maintain multiple relationships.

Just a thought !!
Mm, I'm very introverted, this is true, but when I find friendships I definitely work to keep them. But it isn't investing as much as I would in a romantic partner. I can still make myself vulnerable to them and open up, but not on the level I do with Erato. That may in fact be simplifying it a bit much. And as Erato said, she's...a tad introverted, yeah. She's adorably shy. :D
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