Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #101  
Old 07-29-2010, 07:43 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I think it just needs more time. She is confused and scared it seems to me and things are moving too fast for her now. Go at the pace of the one struggling the most I always say.

She seems to be struggling. Why not check with her. Ask her if she is struggling with the idea of having the two of you come together. I was terrified and elated all at the same time when Mono and Nerdist met the first time. I can understand that. Perhaps she doesn't think it's worth it and doesn't see it as being worth it to her because she is unsure if he is worth it to her.

Maybe she is losing interest and you are now making it out to be bigger than she now feels.... way to make your wife mono again! Be a super supportive husband that gives her the space to grow and learn and find others and be who she wants to be and then sit back and wait for her to figure out that what she thought she didn't have she actually had all along and it was just lost!

I'm just joking, but you never know right!? If nothing else you have the comfort and pride of knowing you have been doing the best you could possibly do by her and as a result yourself.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #102  
Old 07-29-2010, 01:09 PM
Karma13 Karma13 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 6
Default

Isn't she just scared that you will kill him?
Reply With Quote
  #103  
Old 07-29-2010, 02:03 PM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by racer812 View Post
I'm not ready to give up! I have been beat down worse than this! TL those are pretty harsh words, but you do have a point. Thanks. If this marriage is destined to end then it will be K that walks away, not me! I can't(won't) walk away.K must make her choice, whether its good or bad for me!
But are you willing to be abused in the process of waiting for her to leave?
Reply With Quote
  #104  
Old 07-30-2010, 01:56 AM
racer812's Avatar
racer812 racer812 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: arizona
Posts: 114
Default

LMAO! Karma that made me laugh! You have a very valid point, as much as the caveman in me( his name is grog) wants to do just that, the more sensible part of me wants to meet and get to know this guy. Part of me wants to meet the guy who is so "special" that K is willing to go through all of this. Grog just wants to SMASH!

TL, if it means that I get to keep my true love, I am willing to take alot more punishment. I have been through alot of pain, mental and physical, in my life. Started in childhood and has continued. I have been mentally and physically abused by my mother(we don't talk), I have healed from those wounds, have the scars to prove it! I learned to walk again after shattering my leg. I deal with rheumatoid arthritis every day( I have bad knees, both need replaced). So, yes I will endure what ever it takes. I never quit(glutton for punishment?)!

RP, you made a point that I have not thought about. K is probably scared. I think back to when we were swingin and I always made sure that my new "partner" met K. I was always nervous! I think you have some great insight. I will try my best to give K more time to sort out her feelings.

Thank you all again. I do value your input and insight.
__________________
I would rather be hurt by your honest than pleasured by you lies!
Reply With Quote
  #105  
Old 07-30-2010, 04:05 PM
racer812's Avatar
racer812 racer812 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: arizona
Posts: 114
Question

Well, sent K on her way to retrieve my little ones. Now I'm trying very hard to keep busy so I don't dwell on my thought(have a bad tendency to do that).
K was very quiet this morning. I helped her pack for her trip, slipped some protection, a card, and my wedding band into her bag. Nothing special about the card, just a remember me romantic one, the wedding band is to hopefully reminder of how much she means to me, the protection is for her to use if she see's H.
I hope this doesn't back fire. I'm sure that she will call me when she gets to NV and unpacks.
It might have been a big mistake doing that, but.............
__________________
I would rather be hurt by your honest than pleasured by you lies!
Reply With Quote
  #106  
Old 07-30-2010, 05:15 PM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

Ummm.....In MY opinion, if my wife were to put her wedding ring in my suit case when I went on a trip like this one, I would take that as her telling me she wants to break up. But thats just me. I certainly wouldn't take it as a reminder to think about her.

Unfortunatly, we can not turn back the hands of time, and what you've done, is already done. When she calls, tell her why you put the ring in there BEFORE she gets a chance to ask about it. Just my .02
Reply With Quote
  #107  
Old 07-30-2010, 05:24 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Ummm.....In MY opinion, if my wife were to put her wedding ring in my suit case when I went on a trip like this one, I would take that as her telling me she wants to break up. But thats just me. I certainly wouldn't take it as a reminder to think about her.
haha...actually ya, I might take it that way too. I am not overly connected to my ring, but I know Pengrah is. If I saw her ring in the luggage I would assume she was sending me a very strong message.

Hopefully she reads the letter first and understands the context first ..best of luck.
Reply With Quote
  #108  
Old 07-30-2010, 10:44 PM
racer812's Avatar
racer812 racer812 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: arizona
Posts: 114
Default

When all of this started and I thought she wanted to leave, I handed her my ring. It was immediately given back to me! K keeps telling me that I am the one she loves, I am the one that she wants to be with, I am her life. Then why must she keep H in her life? Why is she willing to risk all that we have? What is so damn important about him?

Perhaps I need to listen. Perhaps I'm too mono. I still have my insecurities, being pushed out, being replaced. The thought of K having an emotional connection on the level that we do..........................

Maybe I am still over thinking all of this. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think patience and communication are the keys to my issues. We have a great level of communication, we can talk about anything. Patience is not one of my strongest qualities. But having kids has sure helped me learn patience..

Now you all have me worried! The card and the ring are in the envelope together, so there shouldn't be any questions. I will have to wait til K calls me tonite, now I'm crossin my fingers!
__________________
I would rather be hurt by your honest than pleasured by you lies!
Reply With Quote
  #109  
Old 07-30-2010, 10:51 PM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 119
Default

I hope things go well for you. I'd be extremely freaked out if my husband sent me his wedding ring with a card that says "remember me."

Maybe it'll shake some sense into her.
Reply With Quote
  #110  
Old 07-30-2010, 11:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by racer812 View Post
When all of this started and I thought she wanted to leave, I handed her my ring. It was immediately given back to me! K keeps telling me that I am the one she loves, I am the one that she wants to be with, I am her life. Then why must she keep H in her life? Why is she willing to risk all that we have? What is so damn important about him?
You have to learn to trust her, hard I know

Quote:
Perhaps I need to listen. Perhaps I'm too mono. I still have my insecurities, being pushed out, being replaced. The thought of K having an emotional connection on the level that we do..........................
Honestly, it isn't a video game. I hear this magical level thing people bring up. I fell in love with our ex. It was intense but it is not the same love I feel for my wife. It just isn't.

Is there an measurable intensity difference, sure why not. But intensity isn't the only measure of love (in fact I explain below how, imo, it is partially love). Trust, length of term etc are all that as well. Take heart in what YOUR love means to the two of you. You are not in love at level 15 Her lover, with anyone else, will never be the love she has with you

Whoever I fall in love with will receive my love. However it doesn't remove how I love Pengrah or what that loves means to me in time and lessons learned.

One thing I do see a lot of people confusing are the differences between lust and love. The raw unadulterated need to fuck and enjoy the NRE that occurs is not love. They overlap sooo perfectly that they are easy to confuse, but they are easily recognizable when any of the other pairing leaves.

I can't count how many times I have considered being in love with someone, was riding the NRE wave and trust me on this, I am extremely lustful, it is my most enjoyable sin . Once the lust and the nre started to wear off, I realized THAT was the extent of the relationship.

I am not saying this will happen with your overall situation, but when the wave is on, you may be looking at THAT intense fire right in the face

Quote:
Maybe I am still over thinking all of this. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think patience and communication are the keys to my issues. We have a great level of communication, we can talk about anything. Patience is not one of my strongest qualities. But having kids has sure helped me learn patience..
Patience is a virtue that does not mesh well in my head. Its been a battle and a fight to learn how valuable patience is. I am 35 and learning this lesson now. I have a dutiful teacher which helps
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:07 AM.