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Old 07-25-2010, 05:09 AM
ok321go ok321go is offline
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Default Poly and cheating - oh dear!

OK, here goes. I don't really have anyone to turn to, so I turn to teh interwebs!

I'm married to my partner, who I love dearly, and as our first foray into poly we were became involved with another couple. It was sort of a concurrent husband-wife and boyfriend-girlfriend quad-type thing. If that makes sense. Let's call them Alice, Bob and Carl. I'm married to Carl, and Alice and Bob are also married. I was dating Bob (and feelings between us were developing nicely) and was experimenting with Alice. Alice and Carl are in a sex-only relationship.

Alice and Bob used to date another couple, let's call them Dave and Emma. They were a quad for a while. Emma was quite abusive toward Bob, and he broke up with her after a year or so. Alice continued (and still continues) to see Dave (I found that a little odd, but there you are).

Emma had some other relationships after Bob, all of which ended, and then she contacted him and said she wanted to be his friend again. My red flags went up, as I'd met her before and didn't trust her intentions. I told this to Bob and he told me he wouldn't risk damaging our relationship over her.

Dave and Emma came down to visit and stayed with Alice and Bob, and Bob ended up sleeping with her. I was so anxious that it would happen. So now I'm really hurt and confused, and not having been in any sort of poly relationship before, am unsure of where to go from here. Bob was so apologetic and makes no excuses, though he did say it was an 'accident' and is deeply regretting it. I am pretty convinced that Emma wanted to tag along with Dave so she could break us up.

My partner Carl is pissed off at Bob and refuses to have anything to do with him... and I'm not sure what to do. (I see Alice and Bob quite often, since we're in the same sort of social group, so I at least want to hold onto the friendship)

So the question is: Should I hold on to a friendship with Bob? I think he's a good person - I genuinely think that he didn't mean to hurt me and made an extremely bad judgment call, which he admits. I won't be dating him anymore but Alice is a very close friend and I don't want things to be weird between us.

Thanks for reading... any advice? Thoughts?
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Old 07-25-2010, 05:29 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Sure, hold on to the friendship if you want to and if you can, but in my experience it is very difficult to go back once you have had more.
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Old 07-25-2010, 06:19 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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I have to admit, if I ever have to move "backwards" in a relationship, the relationship ends.

Just one question. Were you an exclusive poly quad (by mutual agreement)?
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Old 07-25-2010, 06:33 AM
ok321go ok321go is offline
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We weren't 'exclusive' (ie. polyfidelitous) but it was agreed that other relationships would be introduced by knowledge and consent by all other parties (ie. before Alice and Carl started fooling around, they asked Dave if it was OK).
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Old 07-30-2010, 03:56 PM
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racer812 racer812 is offline
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If I read this correctly( correctly is a loose term for me). You are upset with bob(he's your bf?) because he slept with one of his ex's? Uuuummmm....... Thats a very difficult thing to deal with. I have tried to be friends with one of my swing partners and it didnt work out very well. We were friends before we started "partying". My wife became very uncomfortable with the situation because my friend,"A", was also trying to get pregnant from her husband. We always used protection, condoms, but K didnt like the situation. So we tried to be "just friends" and it was very difficult for A to accept that we were no longer "partying". Kinda ended abruptly.
I am male and most people say men are pigs. I disagree! Men (in general, not all of you) are dogs! If they cant eat it, piss on it, or fuck it, they dont have a use for it. I am a dog to some extent.
Are you and bob exclusive? Does he only date you(not including his marriage)? If you two had an agreement to be exclusive then he cheated and will have to work his ass off to rebuild trust.
just my 2 cents.
I would rather be hurt by your honest than pleasured by you lies!
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Old 07-30-2010, 04:56 PM
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Shades Shades is offline
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Location: San Francisco
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I guess I'm a bit different from a lot of people, but . . .

I, personally, wouldn't get that upset if someone cheated once, especially if they were honest and apologetic about it. I'm not one to end something over a single episode of cheating. Everyone makes serious mistakes from time to time, including mistakes that hurt people they care about. It sounds like he did the honorable thing to do: be honest about what you did, admit that it was wrong, apologize and take responsibility. If I were in that situation, I would just forgive and move forward.

I'd say my success rate at "going backwards" is about 50%. If I still like the person, I always make an effort to remain friends. Sometimes it's necessary to take a break from one another until any emotions have cooled off. But often, having been intimate with someone seems to strengthen the friendship. Some of my closest friends are exes and former sexual partners.

So I guess anything's possible. It depends on what you're comfortable with and what you, and other people, want.
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Old 07-30-2010, 07:32 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by ok321go View Post
Bob was so apologetic and makes no excuses, though he did say it was an 'accident' and is deeply regretting it.
How do you accidentally have sex with someone? Whoops! I slipped and my penis fell into your vagina?

Perhaps you mean, it was a mistake? In which case, to err is human. I'm big on forgiveness... it does no one, especially yourself, any favours to hold onto resentment and anger. The important part is that he realizes both the mistake, and the circumstances leading up to it, so that he'll know how to avoid it in the future.

So you've already ended the romantic relationship, and you're wondering if you should be friends. I don't see any reason why not, if you feel you can trust him as a friend. You're no longer involved in his sex life, so if he cheats on Alice again, that's between him and Alice.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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