Am I getting better or worse?

Never too old...

I guess what I'm wondering is will I be able to gain acceptance over time, or will it always be this hellish? Am I pushing myself to far to our detriment? I'm just so damned frustrated, sometimes it's easy, and other's it's the most painful thing I've ever felt.

Any advice on coping/gaining acceptance...
 
Wow

I don't have any insight to offer about your last post Dazed, but I did want to reiterate what some others have posted...

Your wife and her BF have acted with tremendous selfishness and hurtfulness throughout this affair. You seem to be acting with enormous restraint, despite the pain.

I also want to affirm something you appear already to be doing.

Going slowly.

This whole situation is so life-changing. If I read you right, what you really need is TIME, to think and adjust. And its so hard to think clearly when so much is changing.

Its hard for me to think that trust can be regained at this point... or that your wife won't be this disrespectful again in the future. But I'm not in your shoes, or your wife's shoes, and probably nobody but you can figure these things out.

If it was me, I would stall. Stall for time to think. Then make the best decision you can about your future, listening to both your head and your heart.

My heart goes out to you.


Anothebo :)
 
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Thank you, I really am breaking every paradigm I hold true in this. It's funny, if they were just swinging - I could care less. It's this whole relationshipy behaviour thats so excruciatingly painful.

She's been so strong trying to be fair, and yet quite Cloddish at times. She has a substantial heart, but has a much stronger self-preservation instinct than I do. I wish I knew how to help her more, but, it's taking everything I have and then some, to try to stay calm and loving.

I tried to find a poly-friendly therapist in my area today, batted zero.

So so far, I'm reading Ethical Slut, loooking for mentors/advice/and a bitch board here, batted zero finding therapist. What else can I do to empower myself to handle this best for all three of us. While I am completely annoyed by the BF choice, I know him, and in some odd way feel obligated to treat him with as much dignity as I can. Hell, he would have made a great buddy before this. In turn, I want to make sure everyone is careful to impact his family as little as possible.

Carring all this is just alot, any muscle building ideas would be hugely appreciated.
 
Have you directed her here? Could you send her some links to stuff that might help? Is she open at all to anything but her own agenda? And his? Any sort of sane information?
 
I finally got her to crack the Ethical SLut, she's not a reader, and frankly kind of busy playing both ends? :/

Opening the book was a huge step.

I've sent her some links, and the forum info here, she even gave this forum to a friend who is begining to process his Poly. She has told me she may come here someday, but for now she feels that you all have given me some peace, and taught me alot, she seems to think it would take something away from me by coming here. I've told her that's nonsense, that Ive said nothing here I have any concern over her seeing.

My worry is she's processing this new lifestyle/orientation development all on her own. I really want to be able to help her, while balanceing the help I need.
 
I've sent her some links, and the forum info here, she even gave this forum to a friend who is begining to process his Poly. She has told me she may come here someday, but for now she feels that you all have given me some peace, and taught me alot, she seems to think it would take something away from me by coming here. I've told her that's nonsense, that Ive said nothing here I have any concern over her seeing.

My worry is she's processing this new lifestyle/orientation development all on her own. I really want to be able to help her, while balanceing the help I need.

hmmm my first thought was - well thats selfish, she needs to be making an effort too. She should be trying to learn and work on her own towards something that meshes with you...

my second thought - my wife, regardless of what I put in front of her, figured it all out on her own. I would communicate *my* lessons and revelations to her. Every month or so she would come storming back with a progression that impressed me each time, sometimes blowing past what I have learned. She was working, naturally, through everything.

Everyones learning styles and communication styles are different. You may want to figure those out before trying to get her to learn a way she may not like or even be capable of :)
 
...I think as long as she continues to work through this process with no regard for her WIFE'S feelings....you're going to suffer. :(

I don't like that you're nice.
 
Wow, so, roller coaster! Yesterday was great, we talked, out for dinner, home for wine, movies, snuggles. Was almost like we were new again. We're in bed at end of night and she gets a text, I know its from him. I just say "no ahead". She says "no, its either good night or he wants me to meet him, im with my wife". She then tells me that she realized they are always worried about his wife and just because I know about them doesn't mean I should be treated like an asshole.

I feel for the first time, she might be able to walk the talk; we might have a chance.
 
Ya, feels like progress, I'm just not sure. We went to another Lawn Fete Saturday, he, his wife, and another friend. We were all drinking, and my wife was incesantly flirting with his wife(groping, dancing...) I believe it was all in good silly fun, didn't take it seriously at all. However, the little dark thoughts keep creeping into my head...is she going to want his wife too? Honestly I felt bad for him, the other friend has an obvious crush on him, he's there, she's there, my wife, me, and his wife...I wouldn't have spent the night in his shows for anything.

I'm really not sure if I'm growing more accepting, or..if I'm just not caring as much. I hate to overanalyize myself, but I really can't stop it. She's doing her first 5k run this Saturday, I really wanted to be there for her first effort to support her, but found out yeasterday he's running it with her. :(

It's also the anniversary of a loved one's death, and going to be a hard enough day. My project for the week is trying to find a shit hole corner bar close to home I can hide in for days like this.
 
Now she's flirting with his wife? Is this to please him? So he can fantasies about her with another woman? Or was this some vain attempt at making it right somehow? Is it so she can somehow get with her and then introduce the whole idea that she is with her husband also?

Where do you fit in with all this anyways? I see nothing for you in any of this. I would think it makes you look like a fool.
 
Does she talk to you before she does anything or does she count on you just being there? Protect your heart. I don't understand the uncaring actions of partners sometimes, poly or not...it just seems greedy, selfish and enabled by the love of their partners or perhaps their fear of being alone.

I see little in this for you as well. ...and seeing your partner happy only goes so far in my books. This is so one sided.

Be strong and true to yourself. Make sure you are being treated the way you deserve and want is all I am saying.
 
Now she's flirting with his wife? Is this to please him? So he can fantasies about her with another woman? Or was this some vain attempt at making it right somehow? Is it so she can somehow get with her and then introduce the whole idea that she is with her husband also?

I'm really not sure, certainly all of the above crossed my mind. In part, I think she knew she couldn't flirt with him infront of the wife, and just layed her cover on a bit too quick. She's certainly mentioned to me the threesome fantasy involving he and I, and I've told her, if she attempts a relationship with another woman, I know I wouldn't be able to deal and I'd be gone, instantly, no further discussion.

I see little in this for you as well. ...and seeing your partner happy only goes so far in my books. This is so one sided.

Is it really even possible for it to be two-sided? I certainly have my normal life the bulk of the time, when he is unavailable for her, and when I'm able to just be in the moment with her, and not think too heavily about her/him.
 
Yes its possible for it to be two sided. Look at other peoples posts on how it feels to have a metamour that they think rocks. The compersion they feel when their love gets to spend time with them. Having someone to talk to when your partner is in a situation or there is issues. All a benefit.
 
Redpepper, I'm glad you brought up compersion. I don't know if I will ever find it. Last night we were all together at another concert (by the way this is exhausting!). I stepped away to have a smoke, and watched them interact from a distance. The pangs of anger/jealousy and all the other 'little uglies' weren't as bad, they were there, just much more managable, and she truly did look happy. I don't know if I can ever feel compersion for them. I love my wife, her BF is someone I find enjoyable to be around (as I said we were once friends) but I just don't know if I can get there. Has any mono/poly couple been able to survive if the mono can't get to compersion?
 
Short answer? Yes, completely. The thing is dear AC, she is cheating. Why would one even bother to work on that? You will just of figured out how to have it, will have invested in this man and disaster will strike I think. You don't like him and you have very good reasons not to. His values are off kilter and don't match with yours. Neither do your wifes at this moment. There seems to be WAY too much to sort out before getting to compersion.

Its nice she is happy, but you forget its based on bullshit. Its based on the pain of others. That kind of falsehood will self distruct I reckon.

Bah, I think its actually healthier for you to just tune out and go inward rather than try to have compersion. Protect yourself first. Leave them to their own devises.

Have you confronted him at all on this? I would of blown up by now and would of told him either he tells his wife or you do.
 
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