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  #21  
Old 07-30-2010, 03:51 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Oh dear, I'm really just a rehabiltated sinner...
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  #22  
Old 07-30-2010, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
Oh dear, I'm really just a rehabiltated sinner...
Well at least you are rehabilitated..I doubt if there is enough years left for me to work off mine

But I'm trying.

Stay strong, stay healthy and stay true to yourself.
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  #23  
Old 07-30-2010, 06:45 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Never too old...

I guess what I'm wondering is will I be able to gain acceptance over time, or will it always be this hellish? Am I pushing myself to far to our detriment? I'm just so damned frustrated, sometimes it's easy, and other's it's the most painful thing I've ever felt.

Any advice on coping/gaining acceptance...
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  #24  
Old 07-30-2010, 07:38 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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I don't have any insight to offer about your last post Dazed, but I did want to reiterate what some others have posted...

Your wife and her BF have acted with tremendous selfishness and hurtfulness throughout this affair. You seem to be acting with enormous restraint, despite the pain.

I also want to affirm something you appear already to be doing.

Going slowly.

This whole situation is so life-changing. If I read you right, what you really need is TIME, to think and adjust. And its so hard to think clearly when so much is changing.

Its hard for me to think that trust can be regained at this point... or that your wife won't be this disrespectful again in the future. But I'm not in your shoes, or your wife's shoes, and probably nobody but you can figure these things out.

If it was me, I would stall. Stall for time to think. Then make the best decision you can about your future, listening to both your head and your heart.

My heart goes out to you.


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Last edited by anotherbo; 07-30-2010 at 07:56 PM.
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  #25  
Old 07-30-2010, 07:50 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thank you, I really am breaking every paradigm I hold true in this. It's funny, if they were just swinging - I could care less. It's this whole relationshipy behaviour thats so excruciatingly painful.

She's been so strong trying to be fair, and yet quite Cloddish at times. She has a substantial heart, but has a much stronger self-preservation instinct than I do. I wish I knew how to help her more, but, it's taking everything I have and then some, to try to stay calm and loving.

I tried to find a poly-friendly therapist in my area today, batted zero.

So so far, I'm reading Ethical Slut, loooking for mentors/advice/and a bitch board here, batted zero finding therapist. What else can I do to empower myself to handle this best for all three of us. While I am completely annoyed by the BF choice, I know him, and in some odd way feel obligated to treat him with as much dignity as I can. Hell, he would have made a great buddy before this. In turn, I want to make sure everyone is careful to impact his family as little as possible.

Carring all this is just alot, any muscle building ideas would be hugely appreciated.
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  #26  
Old 07-30-2010, 08:16 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Hell, he would have made a great buddy before this.
So be his buddy then. But you are a glutton for punishment in my opinion. I would have left a long time ago.
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  #27  
Old 07-30-2010, 10:03 PM
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Have you directed her here? Could you send her some links to stuff that might help? Is she open at all to anything but her own agenda? And his? Any sort of sane information?
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  #28  
Old 07-30-2010, 10:46 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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I finally got her to crack the Ethical SLut, she's not a reader, and frankly kind of busy playing both ends? :/

Opening the book was a huge step.

I've sent her some links, and the forum info here, she even gave this forum to a friend who is begining to process his Poly. She has told me she may come here someday, but for now she feels that you all have given me some peace, and taught me alot, she seems to think it would take something away from me by coming here. I've told her that's nonsense, that Ive said nothing here I have any concern over her seeing.

My worry is she's processing this new lifestyle/orientation development all on her own. I really want to be able to help her, while balanceing the help I need.
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  #29  
Old 07-30-2010, 11:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
I've sent her some links, and the forum info here, she even gave this forum to a friend who is begining to process his Poly. She has told me she may come here someday, but for now she feels that you all have given me some peace, and taught me alot, she seems to think it would take something away from me by coming here. I've told her that's nonsense, that Ive said nothing here I have any concern over her seeing.

My worry is she's processing this new lifestyle/orientation development all on her own. I really want to be able to help her, while balanceing the help I need.
hmmm my first thought was - well thats selfish, she needs to be making an effort too. She should be trying to learn and work on her own towards something that meshes with you...

my second thought - my wife, regardless of what I put in front of her, figured it all out on her own. I would communicate *my* lessons and revelations to her. Every month or so she would come storming back with a progression that impressed me each time, sometimes blowing past what I have learned. She was working, naturally, through everything.

Everyones learning styles and communication styles are different. You may want to figure those out before trying to get her to learn a way she may not like or even be capable of
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  #30  
Old 07-31-2010, 05:26 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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...I think as long as she continues to work through this process with no regard for her WIFE'S feelings....you're going to suffer.

I don't like that you're nice.
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