Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-26-2009, 06:30 AM
givemore givemore is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2
Default A Future with Two Women I Love?

I understand that there are many seemingly natural emotional tendencies that do not lend themselves towards polyamory such as jealousy and lack of confidence among others. However, my current partner and I are very open minded and embrace the logic behind polyamory, but I personally struggle with the thought of sharing her. She seems a bit more emotionally mature in this regards, though I struggle in my own mind with the thought of ever bringing her and this other woman together. This other woman is actually an ex-girlfriend whom since meeting my current partner I have been able to grow an impressive love and respect for. My current partner fulfills me in more ways than I ever dreamed, and surprisingly so after practically giving up. It is now obvious to me that my ex is important to me in so many ways complimentary to what I get from my current relationship. That may have sounded contradictory - what I mean is that my current partner fulfills me but now in my fulfillment I've found that my ex awakens a part of me that isn't awake without her around and I believe it is a very important in balancing me out (I'm naturally overly analytical but she awakens an emotional honesty and child-like curiosity).

My intentions are not purely selfish (please don't argue this point here). Both women love me, tho my ex is struggling with feelings for her current partner (also don't need to address this right now - I don't think it will last - it won't fulfill her). But besides wanting to share a life with both of them, I am incredibly anxious and excited to imagine what they could offer to each other.

I'm currently finishing up a degree while living on campus at school, but will be done in less than two months and I feel that time is running out. They have been introduced and nothing noteworthy has occurred - they were both surprisingly mature during the encounter(s). I think a lot of the anxiety and fear of things not working out are in my head, but I also believe that the likelihood of things working out to the extent that I want them to is unlikely.

Please, I do not want to marry anyone, but I love two women intensely and complimentarily and feel that it is important to have them both in my life and am excited when I imagine what the three of us could do together. How can I re-introduce them to each other, warm them up to the idea (if necessary), or introduce them into situations together whereby they could grow to like each other and consider seriously these thoughts that I've presented to you? I've brought up these feelings with both of them in different not-so-subtle ways and have seen mostly confusion on their faces and I believe some nervousness and fear (of losing me in the case of my current partner). Any and all advice is appreciated. Thank you!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-30-2009, 02:57 PM
shirleymhungry shirleymhungry is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Charlottesville, VA
Posts: 3
Smile A future with two women that you love, perhaps separately

When you love two people and those two people are also interested in eachother and you all have sex together and there's love in all the directions I think that is like the #1 most common poly dream! Unfortunately it's a really difficult one to achieve.

My advice to you in this situation would be to continue to foster each relationship separately, encouraging friendship between both your partners where you can. If you try to make them interested in each other sexually or romantically, or if you place this expectation upon your relationships you will likely end up with one or two ladies who resent you or more likely who resent you and the other one.

Unfortunately you can't make relationships happen. The likeliness that a person is compatible with not just you but with your other partner as well is very unlikely, as what attracts you to people is probably not the same thing your partner looks for. A lot of poly people struggle with placing this limitation and expectation on future potential partners.

The other thing is that relationships are organic, not manufactured. While arraigned marriages actually have a high success rate, in my experience arraigned relationships do not. You fell in love with both of your partners by getting to know them and exploring what kind of relationship the two of you are suited to have together. You have to let them experience this same process, too. If you'd like to maybe someday have a triad or just a once a year threesome you have to be willing to accept the possibility that they will just be friends. Encourage their friendship and let them see what comes out of it. You must do this genuinely and without expectation or they will feel your attachment to the sex.

Also, there's no shame in wanting to have sex with two people you love, or just in wanting to have a threesome. It's completely ok to have selfish wants as long as you proceed with integrity and respect and an understanding that while your partners love you, they may not want to love each other.. in that way. The fact that they're friendly and kind towards each other is a great starting point!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-30-2009, 10:07 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Welcome to the boards!

The obvious question is this: Have you spoken with them about it? Everything hinges on you being forthright and honest about what you want. Without you bringing up the topic and discussing it, nothing will happen. Two women who are accustomed to mono relationships are not going to suddenly get the idea that they want to share a man, even one with whom they have some relationship history. If you want to be involved with both of them, then you have to discuss it with both of them.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-31-2009, 01:39 AM
givemore givemore is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2
Default

Thanks for the responses!

The situation actually has very little to do with sex - in that, I've surprised myself.

I've discussed the topic with my current girlfriend in general terms, and I've also discussed current ex-girlfriend interactions with my current girlfriend. My gf acknowledges that polyamory makes sense and in many ways seems more emotionally prepared to handle it than I would be if the roles were reversed. She however didn't enjoy my attempts to be open about my current ex-gf interactions - no compersion here, yet, but I think I need to be more open to my current gf about how important my gf is to me. I need to be more open and honest than I already am about how she is first and foremost and is irreplaceable, but I also need to be open about my thoughts about a poly relationship before describing my ex-gf interactions so that my gf doesn't think she's going to lose me.

I've very briefly beaten around the polyamory bush with my ex-gf a couple months ago when she proposed that we see each other less because it bothers her current boyfriend. That put a strain on the open loving nature of our relationship, but after discussing things she actually started calling me to hang out more often than before, however she was occasionally oddly reserved in her interactions with me. I have not brought up the possibility of her joining my gf nor even the topic of a polyamory in general because I believe she is very conflicted and is holding on to her current boyfriend for lots of forced reasons. If she is as happy as she sometimes claims then I certainly don't want to strain her current relationship. I don't believe she'll let go of that relationship (long-distance) until after graduation when she gets to spend more time with him, and in some ways I feel as though a window of opportunity will have passed to have spent time together (all three perhaps) in a more neutral environment and more often than will be possible in the future.

In any case, I am excited for my gf to come home from her vacation in Puerto Rico and lose myself in her presence again - Wednesday! I will continue to hang out with my ex-gf whenever the interest in mutual. I do not think it is my place to prod about her current relationship and I will let her figure that out on her own unless she specifically asks for my thoughts on the subject. I will continue to strengthen my relationship with my current gf and plan for my post-graduation future, and I'll continue to strengthen my relationship with my ex-gf as time allows.

It's terribly frightening to feel any sense of control at all when on the potential brink of something as seemingly beautiful as a larger family of love however improbable. I'd like to say I should just let things happen as they may, but that's a blind man's advice. In any case, regardless of the turnout, I'm in a situation, however frightening, that makes it easy for me to feel an overwhelming appreciation for my life.

Thanks for the advice. More advice is always welcome. If anyone seems interested I'll keep you updated.

Progress and Love
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-22-2011, 01:12 AM
lpinoakland lpinoakland is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 1
Default Updates?

Thank you for sharing your situation. I know it has been some time, but I would like to hear more.

I am in an almost identical situation and would really appreciate hearing how this worked out, or didn't.

Thanks.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-22-2011, 11:02 PM
Snowdancer's Avatar
Snowdancer Snowdancer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Washington, DC area
Posts: 59
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by shirleymhungry View Post
When you love two people and those two people are also interested in eachother and you all have sex together and there's love in all the directions I think that is like the #1 most common poly dream! Unfortunately it's a really difficult one to achieve.

My advice to you in this situation would be to continue to foster each relationship separately, encouraging friendship between both your partners where you can. If you try to make them interested in each other sexually or romantically, or if you place this expectation upon your relationships you will likely end up with one or two ladies who resent you or more likely who resent you and the other one.

Unfortunately you can't make relationships happen. The likeliness that a person is compatible with not just you but with your other partner as well is very unlikely, as what attracts you to people is probably not the same thing your partner looks for. A lot of poly people struggle with placing this limitation and expectation on future potential partners.

The other thing is that relationships are organic, not manufactured. While arraigned marriages actually have a high success rate, in my experience arraigned relationships do not. You fell in love with both of your partners by getting to know them and exploring what kind of relationship the two of you are suited to have together. You have to let them experience this same process, too. If you'd like to maybe someday have a triad or just a once a year threesome you have to be willing to accept the possibility that they will just be friends. Encourage their friendship and let them see what comes out of it. You must do this genuinely and without expectation or they will feel your attachment to the sex.

Also, there's no shame in wanting to have sex with two people you love, or just in wanting to have a threesome. It's completely ok to have selfish wants as long as you proceed with integrity and respect and an understanding that while your partners love you, they may not want to love each other.. in that way. The fact that they're friendly and kind towards each other is a great starting point!
Couldn't say anything any better than this! Well written with much wisdom.
__________________
55 y.o. unmarried straight male w/straight GF wishing to meet women for dating and relationships. Also interested in just meeting people for fun and friendships. Blog and email buddies welcome!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, complimentary, introduction, lessons, love, questions

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:10 AM.