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  #11  
Old 07-29-2010, 02:30 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Wow....Just...Wow....Are you sure I don't know you? Do you live in Florida? I have a female friend who is going through almost this EXACT scenerio right now. Did you have breakfast at 3 coins yesterday?
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  #12  
Old 07-29-2010, 02:35 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Not in Florida anymore, I did live there for several years. It's freakishly comforting to know I'm not the only one.
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  #13  
Old 07-29-2010, 02:52 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Ok....Well, Misery loves company. LOL Anyway, my advice is the same. The reason I asked, is this. The person I'm dealing with here, is one of my ex-students. It would be kinda weird and may change the relationship between us if she knew about this side of my wife and I's relationship. LOL Maybe not, but maybe.

Anyway, on to the advice. I think you know what you need to do here. This is your heart you're playing with. And apparently, she couldn't care less WHO's heart she's playing with. She is playing wiht YOUR heart.....her BOYFRIENDS heart....and her boyfriend's WIFE's heart. And, as her significant other, you are guilty by association. Not fair to you, but I think you get the piocture. So now YOU are ALSO playing with your wife's boyfriend' wife's heart. Wow...Thats hard to follow. LOL Anyway...Tread lightly.

Your wife is playing a hairied game here. One thats not fair to ANYONE else. I think you would be best to simply cut ties now and gently explain to her that you are not willing to help her to help her boyfriend to cheat on his wife. Also explain that if his wife KNEW about the relationship, it wouldn't be so bad. But that as it is, she is the other woman. This speaks volumes about her morality....and if she's willing to help HIM cheat.....Then she likely has the ability to cheat on you. If ANYONE in the relationship dynamic is lacking in the knowledge of any other person, then they are cheating.

Example: My wife and I are married and in a committed relationship. If you and I start to date without my wife knowing, then I am cheating. If, however, I let my wife know that you and I wish to date, and she is OK with it, then we are in a poly relationship....Now, if you and I become committed, and I am also committed to my wife, then you decide to date someone else........without letting ME know, but letting my WIFE know....Then you are cheating, and if my wife doesn't tell me, she is assisting you and therefore just as bad as you.

Do you follow this all so far? So, your wife is just as bad as her boyfriend right now because she is the other woman that he is cheating with. She needs to tell him that there will be no more unless he lets his wife in on the whole thing. If she refuses to do this, then you need to drop her and move on.

This is, of course, just my opinion.
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  #14  
Old 07-29-2010, 03:23 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Certainly yet another perspective to view this all in. It's so overwhelming!! Geez, a month ago, life was perfect, planning vacations, retirement, thinking of buying a home and a new car...now I feel like I can't plan for tomorrow.

I'm trying so hard to be careful, smart, and not lose myself (or my temper) to all this. It's making me nuts.
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  #15  
Old 07-29-2010, 04:21 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Ow. Ouch.

Hold onto your heart, and hold a lot of gentleness in reserve. Someone will need to pick up the pieces. If you love someone then there is a time to watch because you can't help, and then there will be a time to step forward because it will be the time that you can help.

A hot temper can force a light to shine on things that people would like to keep dark. It can also, as I'm sure you know, break relationships before their time.

Think twice, look up at the sky and count to twenty, and be sure sure sure that what you are about to say is exactly what you should say and what you want to say. Speak out of love instead of anger whenever you can.

I know, yes, you are already there and you understand this stuff.

I wish the best for both of you.
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  #16  
Old 07-29-2010, 05:01 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Wow Eugene, the Poet in your handle suits you. Thank you. It's all so damned hard. I really have been focusing on my communication, and have kept my anger under a very tight lid.

My challenge right now, is making sure, that I try with all my heart to be there in some capacity to pick up the pieces. I just don't know if I'm strong enough.

Next challenge:

On a few occasions, she's mentioned - hell I don't know the Poly term - to unite the 3 of us in a carnal way. Before her, I looked at sex as entertainment, and I'd do anything for her. In theory I have no issue with giving myself in this way for her. I did tell her that it would be as a gift to her, if she's making this request for him, they can forget it. Once again, the person I was before her...no big deal...but last night I was thinking about it in greater detail, and I don't know if my heart needs to actually see it/them....if it were just some last -call jo or joann stranger, no prob...but this...

Edit to add:

Part of me also suspects this is what he has been after all along... and perhaps the sooner this happens...the sooner she will see his intentions?

Last edited by DazednConfused; 07-29-2010 at 05:04 PM. Reason: add
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  #17  
Old 07-30-2010, 02:21 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Please pardon the double-post, I know it's bad forum-form.

UGH I suck!

So last night was her first shot at taking me on a date. Well there's this restaurant I've been trying to take her to for years now. Last weekend she told me shes was running a race with him there, and I got pissed. Well, she takes me there last night. I know it's silly but it hurt. The whole date was disconnected, I knew she was somewhere else. For a bout half the ride home, and a half hour after we got home, she cried. Tried too hard to plan date, doesn't want to lose me, was uncofortable. I just held her. Home for less than a half hour, he texts her, asks her first where she took me, 5 minutes later he texts her to come out. Of course I told her to go, but I snapped. I was not even in the neioghborhood of nice. Something of "get the fuck away from me..go have fun..got money, condoms? Call if you get to drunk to drive.." All said with a growl. And they met at the strip club, which pissed me off even more. Firstly I enjoyed going there with her, secondly I was embarassed that the employees there would see them together. I was a furious mess.

We've since done the maya culpas, and are trying to have a good day today.

Will the peaks and valleys get smaller/further apart, or will I always be like this?

I also told her next time, he can come to house, I'll either go in other room, or leave, but it will be more discreet for them, and I won't be home screaming in my own head.

Good - Bad?
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  #18  
Old 07-30-2010, 03:23 PM
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Why would you invite them to your house? Why are you giving up so much for this? I don't get how you see this as a win win if you are just caving?
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  #19  
Old 07-30-2010, 03:33 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Ya, I know, I'm losing my mind.

Pros:

-it's financial, them dating is going to get expensive, for me
-I worry sooo much when they are out about her safety
-if I'm the one sitting at home alone, my mind wanders to all the ugly places and I just stew
-they are not as discreet as they think they are and it embarasses me
-again, lack of discretion, someone is going to see them together if they keep hiding in bars, it would be too easy/dangerous for his wife to find out
- if i go out I can distract myself from it, I can always try staying in spare room, and if I start to stew I can step out

Con:
-I just built that damn bed..
-it's kinda squicky


As for why I'm giving so much, if it turns out I can't accept her for this, I want to look back with no regrets knowing I did all I possibly could for the one I love, even if I go a bit insane along the way. I also love her very much, and simply want to give her all the comfort I can while she's struggling through this. I know, deep down, he's just using her, she will get hurt, but in the meantime, it may make it a bit better?
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  #20  
Old 07-30-2010, 03:49 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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You're a Saint. That's all I can say my friend. A Saint.
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