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  #11  
Old 07-26-2010, 09:25 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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As someone who's....just getting out there I can't just think about me. My husband's too important for that. And we've had a negative threesome experience before (that actually guided us towards the poly scene a bit) so we've got things from that in mind. I'm tired of not being accepted. I've dealt with that all of my life.


I don't think I really answered the question.
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  #12  
Old 07-26-2010, 09:51 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
Ah yes, but what are your thoughts?
My thoughts are simple actually. I don't tend to like using criteria or checklists. They limit the potential of what can happen. By creating a positive checklist you are inherently going to ignore the possibility of meeting someone that may not fit it all. Its actually why I find online dating generally counterproductive...

So my wants are the same as they always have been when I was single. I want someone who is loving caring, sexual, ideally kinky. Honesty is important because I am honest and very blunt (as you are learning), I expect the same in return, especially if I am meeting someone online. I hate disingenuous people online.

some of the criteria for what I would normally not want but has changed.

a) I don't want to do distances, I was very against an LDR
b) I had only been interested in finding a "3rd" and she was a unicorn (self proclaimed unicorn hunter here)
c) ummm...honestly I have never had a friendship turn to romance in my life. I am more open to that possibility happening now...

There were other things borne from both ignorance and fear I had in my criteria list. Each one of those slowly but surely being knocked out of the park the more in interactions I have with good people.
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  #13  
Old 07-27-2010, 10:38 AM
RatatouilleStrychnine's Avatar
RatatouilleStrychnine RatatouilleStrychnine is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
In some ways, there is more freedom. With someone who is a potential secondary, or tertiary, it means I don`t have to worry about the small pet peeves that drive some couples crazy.
For example ;
- Useage and spending of joint money.
- Differing views on politics.
- Living habits.
- Any fundamental differences on raising children.
This is true for me too. I had a very long, complicated check list of what I wanted in a partner before I was married, because I knew what I needed to make me happy and secure long term. I only had relationships with people who could tick right boxes on my list.

Now I have someone I live with very happily, I don't need to worry about that as much. If I find another well-matched, potential primary, then that would be okay, but that isn't my only goal anymore. If we click, are attracted to each other, enjoy each other's company, then that is good enough for me, now; it just might not be a long-lasting relationship or a love-match.

The only new criteria I have now that I am married and poly, is the one that LovingRadiance mentioned: respect for my marriage is absolutely crucial. In fact, this was one thing that attracted me to my bf - he understood that it was in his best interests that my marriage was happy, and he went out of his way to make friends with my husband. I couldn't date someone who was awkward around my husband, or who was uncomfortable or resentful about my marriage.
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  #14  
Old 07-27-2010, 04:05 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RatatouilleStrychnine View Post
This is true for me too. I had a very long, complicated check list of what I wanted in a partner before I was married, because I knew what I needed to make me happy and secure long term. I only had relationships with people who could tick right boxes on my list.

Now I have someone I live with very happily, I don't need to worry about that as much. If I find another well-matched, potential primary, then that would be okay, but that isn't my only goal anymore. If we click, are attracted to each other, enjoy each other's company, then that is good enough for me, now; it just might not be a long-lasting relationship or a love-match.

The only new criteria I have now that I am married and poly, is the one that LovingRadiance mentioned: respect for my marriage is absolutely crucial. In fact, this was one thing that attracted me to my bf - he understood that it was in his best interests that my marriage was happy, and he went out of his way to make friends with my husband. I couldn't date someone who was awkward around my husband, or who was uncomfortable or resentful about my marriage.
This is...what I needed to read today. For someone who writes I have a hard time with figuring out how to word what I'm thinking when it comes to this.
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  #15  
Old 07-29-2010, 01:55 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Nothing has really changed. I've always had family and close friends, and if anyone I was ever dating didn't treat them with the proper respect, they hit the road packing. But I have pretty good jerk-radar, so I can't remember a single time that's actually happened!

I still wait for lightning to strike. Sometimes I stick lightning rods in the ground to attract it, but I never throw a toaster in the bathtub.

[[LoL, I just love that analogy]]

If I found someone with whom I clicked and I felt that I just had to pursue it, I would do so. Of course, I would be conscious of my husband and would proceed carefully, but I guess I've always been more rational than emotional, so that's nothing new. In other words, I've moved very quickly into relationships before that just didn't work out, but I was conscious of what I was doing all along the way.

When I was single, I always made sure that every relationship was good for me and enhanced my life. When a relationship stopped enhancing my life, I ended it (the relationship, not my life ). Now that my life is shared with another person, this philosophy just extends to him being part of my life. In other words, anything that harms my marriage harms me as well.

Like Ari, I've never been a fan of partner-criteria. If I would have had criteria, my husband wouldn't have made the cut!!! And that would super duper suck! He's a conservative, smoking redneck who drives too fast and recklessly and has a kid and spends money carelessly. Ask me 4 years ago if I would have ever married someone like that, and I'd say no frickin way... and yet I love my life and the part he plays in it!
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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