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  #31  
Old 07-28-2010, 08:50 PM
DavidWebb DavidWebb is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
He agreed it was right that I told him, but he still didn't want to know.
I can relate to this. Ignorance was bliss, but at the same time, I am glad I found out. Yes, it seems divergent thinking. Not sure how that helps you exactly except I guess to know that your husband isn't the only human being to ever feel this way.

Anyway... your initial post was ONE week ago. Talk about a whirlwind, huh? I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you've ridden the last week.
Here's my suggestion (emphasis on 'my' and 'suggestion')... take a breath. Several breaths. Let everyone sit with the info they have and talk about it if/when they find it necessary up to the point they/you are comfortable. If a bit of time goes by and you feel nobody seems to be addressing the matter at hand (esp. dh), then maybe try to encourage some dialogue there.

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  #32  
Old 07-28-2010, 08:56 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
So his whole big concern with me having another man to love is that I will put emotional energy into that relationship, and it will keep me from achieving anything important.
That may be an unusual concern, or one that you don't sympathise with, but if it's something that's important to him (and it sounds like it is), and your relationship with him is important, then you should try to ameliorate that concern. You can do that by asking what he'd like to see you achieve and tell him what you'd like to achieve, and then making progress to whatever goals you end up with, while still maintaining any relationships you happen to be in.
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  #33  
Old 07-28-2010, 09:09 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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One week, is that all? I guess things have moved really fast! I think it's for the best that my friend lives 2 hrs away and we aren't likely to see him for a while. Both men are nervous about seeing each other again, but I think enough time to get used to things will be a help.

My husband and I are still talking about it, a little at a time. He wanted to know a little more about what I meant by loving this man, so I described my feelings more and he said, "Well, that's ok." He asked what it meant long term -would I be taking care of my friend when he's old? (He's 65 now.) I assured him there are no expectations. The man has 4 kids for all that, and still wants to find another wife. I just want to be able to be with him from time to time, and talk to him in between. He asks nothing of me except continued honesty.

Such a whirlwind -last night I got a call from the wife of my husband's brother, full of anger over marital problems there, hoping we can intervene before she gives up and walks out. My poor husband just wants a peaceful life where we're all happy. No more drama!
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  #34  
Old 07-28-2010, 09:18 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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That may be an unusual concern, or one that you don't sympathise with, but if it's something that's important to him (and it sounds like it is), and your relationship with him is important, then you should try to ameliorate that concern.
Oh, I definitely agree. We are talking more about this too, and it tends to always come back to his own dissatisfaction with his own achievements. When I tell him how much I think I've achieved, and how everyone else always tells me I'm accomplishing so much, he will agree. I don't know if he believes it. He doesn't have specific goals for me, so much as he wants me to have my own. I can't even figure out what mine are, besides growing my business, raising my kids (and did I mention we just completed a 2 yr home remodel?). I'm just too busy being a mama. Somehow he imagines I am devoting hours to my friendships and this other love. Just writing this I've been interrupted at least 10 times by my children -not an environment conducive to deep thought! Anyway, I'm trying to understand this better too.
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  #35  
Old 07-28-2010, 10:44 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Keep at it AC, you're doing great. It has only been a short time and you have come a long way in that time! Both you and your husband. I commend him for the open mind he has had.
Realize that many of us have been on this same journey. Myself included. It takes time and patience and continued communciation with as much honesty as you can muster. You are doing all of that! Good for you! Your husband will come around to some of your thoughts. Remember he has only just learned of this and needs to catch up.

I have found that there is nothing like poly to make me face things in my relationship life. It brings up all kinds of things I had no idea were going on for me or my partners. The topic of where you should be putting your efforts in life is one of them for you it seems.

I'm sure you have expressed to him all you have said here, but part of what his concern was was about him. Now you you have something more to share with each other that you might not of known if it weren't for this journey. You get to hold his hand and be there for him on his journey of discovering what he can do to be more confident as he can be for you on your journey. Because you decided to tell him you are now journeying together. A far more connected and rewarding way than cheating. It shows courage and respect to do that. I am full of admiresyupb.

Isn't this what relationships such as marriage are about? Doesn't it feel great to be able to give something back to him for his giving to you by even considering your spending time with this other man? This is what its all about to me anyway! I am a rock for my partners as much as I can be, because they give to me in return. This is what makes it work. We look for what we can give and allow ourselves to receive. At least this is the aim of it all and what makes it worth it!
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