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  #1  
Old 07-28-2010, 03:10 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Default Am I getting better or worse?

So, as you may know, my wife discovered/admitted she was Poly about 3 weeks ago. *We are both female.* She currently has a BF, a guy I actually introduced her to, a friend I grew up with. He has been marriedd to his wife, who does not know, for 10 years. The last few weeks have been an apocolyptic disaster for me. My only saving grace has been finding some people here with a profound understanding of both sides of the coin (or maybe all 3 sides).

I have been trying very hard to protect her from ...me? She insists she wants to remain my wife, and has insited such through every minute of this. I shouldI have been doing all the research to help me cope; she and her BF are muddling, horribly, through it. I have enouraged them both to do their owwn homework, and met nothing but resistance.

Yesterday, I think I made some progress. I am a very hot temperreed person, and have done a fairly good job being as kind as I could through all of this, measuring my words before I speak. Well, yesterday I snapped a bit. I have been dening our marriage since this started. She in turn, as I guess human nature would allow, accepted that, maybe too willingly. She made some unreasonable requests along the way, such as when we were out in public, she wasn't 'with' either of us.

Well, I snapped yesterday, told her any of her BFs now or later will know shes married to me, and we will act as a married couple whenever we are together period. I of course, will behave with consideration and class on a case by case basis, but our marriage is now and will always be the priority.

This was pretty big for me, as I refused to even call her my wife forr weeks now. I hope I'm on the right path, I really am trying. I neverr been a game-player and it seems polyamory requires both 100% unadultrated honesty, and I need to be better at expressing how I feel without the worries of protecting herr from my not so nice occasional feelings.

Last edited by DazednConfused; 07-28-2010 at 08:47 PM. Reason: Gender Clarification
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:05 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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It sounds to me like you're doing just fine, dealing with what's come along and working for reasonable accommodation. She married you and you have every reason to expect her to act like she married you.

I'm troubled by the BF's wife not knowing. That, in the game polyamory, simply isn't cricket. AT this point, he's not poly and your wife is simply enabling him to cheat, which also doesn't really qualify as poly. At this point, I don't really see any poly behavior from them--just bad monogamy--though you seem to be adjusting to living in a poly tangle as a mono decently.

There's something rich about that situation--you, the mono partner adjusting to the idea of a poly partner while the supposed poly folk are simply bad monogamists. Sheesh.

In any case, keep your stick on the ice. Something good may come of this as yet.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.

Last edited by AutumnalTone; 07-29-2010 at 03:13 PM. Reason: gender issue
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:27 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
It sounds to me like you're doing just fine, dealing with what's come along and working for reasonable accommodation. She married you and you have every reason to expect her to act like she married you.

I'm troubled by the BF's wife not knowing. That, in the game polyamory, simply isn't cricket. AT this point, he's not poly and your wife is simply enabling him to cheat, which also doesn't really qualify as poly. At this point, I don't really see any poly behavior from them--just bad monogamy--though you seem to be adjusting to living in a poly tangle as a mono decently.

There's something rich about that situation--you, the mono partner adjusting to the idea of a poly partner while the supposed poly folk are simply bad monogamists. Sheesh.

In any case, keep your stick on the ice. Something good may come of this as yet.
If we had a rep system, I'd rep this. Totally on point. She's lucky to have you and I hope she sees that.

Last edited by AutumnalTone; 07-29-2010 at 03:13 PM.
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:49 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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You folks are just awesome, thanks so very much for the encouragement.
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:54 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Wait a minute, he's married and his wife doesn't know about your wife?!!

Ya, I would go ape shit on both of them! Wow you have been patient. I don't see how a little blowing up is a bad thing. They are both delusional in my opinion if they think this is a good idea.

If I were you I would have nothing more to do with it, having heard this new information. Sorry, did I miss this before? I would be advocating for you wife to run very far from this man and break contact immediately. He is in a world of trouble if you ask me. He is treating someone with the one of the biggest disrespects anyone can bestow on another. There is no integrity in it. It is SO damaging and often beyond repair to cheat on someone who thinks you love them. She is trusting him and that trust is in severe jeopordy. It is life altering and destroys something inside when its broken. That trust is the same as we felt as children of our parents. Its a huge trust that makes us feel right in the world. He is taking that away from her.

Yes, I would encourage him to come clean about what he wants with his wife and their relationship before engaging in any other relationship. He should not have anyone else in his life when he does this and it should be completely resolved when he steps out with another. Your wife I think should stand well back, build her bond with someone else or wait until he is really free to do as he wishes. Why would she want to be with someone who is not good enough for her? He is not good enough for her if he is having an affair with her. She is degrading her own self worth and should realize he will likely do the same to her in treating her disrespectfully in some way. She is causing just as much damage as he is! Yup, time to go andwork on getting her priorities straight if you ask me.
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:02 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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I very much agree RedPepper, but it one of those sacrifice your integrity for your heart kind of things for her. I don't expect them to be an LTR.

He's been married for 10 years, and a cheater for 7. I think he got caught back in March, and has been on couch duty since. From what I understand, they are in it for their children still. I actually observed his interaction with his wife at an event last night, and there's no doubt in my mind that they are in a loveless, long since expired marriage. Evidently he has already advised my wife that he's in love with his (married) ex-girlfriend. She's ok with a sexual, dating, semi-romantic courtship; with the understanding that while there is romanance between the two, it's not love.

He's very un-skilled at the discretion of cheating, I'm confident his wife knows he's not faithful, and I'd be surprised if she is faithful as well.

This is no attempt at justification of his behaviour, hell, I'd be fine if he went away; just an attempt at clarification.
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:25 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Thanks for clarifying. Your wife has now entered that realm. That's really sad.

I don't care what his wife did, or how she makes him sleep on the couch. HE created that. HE caused that behaviour and now they are both showing their children how to treat the ones they love with disrespect. She has become just as bad as a result. The damage continues to them. The trust that is so prescious in a child is being destroyed by them watching their parents. And so another generations trust in people is destroyed little by little. Shame. Shame on them. Shame on your wife! I get that they weren't doing well, but work on it or move on. That is what makes for healthy people.

Yup, I give you free rein to cause some major whoop ass on your wife (for what Its worth). This would be a complete deal breaker for me. I simply would not stay. I am still reaping what I sowed with an ex that was cheating on his wife; and I didn't even know! Nope, never again. If be done until she is done with him.
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:03 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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I don't disagree. I've been a mistress myself; and have since learned the life lessons, as well as being child of marriage broken by cheating dad. While I could spell it out for my Mrs (as some of her friends are) I feel this is one I can't instruct her on, shes going to need to live/learn/deal with consequences.
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Old 07-29-2010, 04:18 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Holy shitballs this is going to blow up in your wife's face. Like.....just....oh wow.
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Old 07-29-2010, 01:20 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Quote:
Holy shitballs this is going to blow up in your wife's face. Like.....just....oh wow.
Ya, she is. Before she and I got together I am ashamed to say I was with a married man, for 6 years. I know the story she is about to write, and it has a trajic ending. Thing is, I can't help her, or protect her, and it makes my heart bleed. This one she's gotta do on her own, and they both (her and BF) suck at it, and have no idea how to be discreet - and worse - they think they are. If I lay it all on the line as for how bad the affair part of it is, I'll only seem bitter and jealous. Fortunately some of her closest friends are starting to open up about how they feel. I can only hope they get through to her. While this half has nothing really to do with if I ever accept Poly, it's still a frakkin debocle.
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