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  #11  
Old 07-28-2010, 04:37 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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I'm curious as to how exactly does the answer to your question relate to your decision. What's the motivation to find the answer? Are you hoping that if it's a choice that in the future she will choose diferently or is the sudden news easier to swallow if it is written in her dna?

I feel for you. All matters should be put out on the table BEFORE a decision to move in together in the same town let alone 800 miles away. Have you asked her why she's dropping the bomb so late?
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  #12  
Old 07-28-2010, 06:04 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The problem I see with this question is that it's not one that's been PROVEN scientifically one way or the other-therefore there is no way to give you a FOR CERTAIN answer. Only opinions.

In my opinion the answer is-both.

For some people it is simply a natural part of who they are like having blue eyes, just like Mono on here is mono, it's a natural part of who he is like his height.

However-for others they are innately
CAPABLE of BEING IN LOVE WITH AND ACTIVELY LOVING
more than one person at a time which is polyamorous. This is a natural part of who they are like me having blue eyes.

THEN there are people who live a lifestyle because they choose to, it's not natural to them, but it's more comfortable for other reasons and they choose it.

Like Maca, my husband. He's naturally polyamorous-but he always lived mono because bucking the system was too emotionally straining for him to bother with.
Additionally there are people who choose to live in a poly relationship because they find it easier than trying to live mono even if they are more naturally mono.

NO ONE on this board knows what the situation is for your gf. Only she does.


THE REAL question is-can you ACCEPT HER AS SHE IS.

Because in ANY situation-the only way it works is if we accept the other person for who they are RIGHT NOW.

Good luck.
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  #13  
Old 07-28-2010, 07:17 PM
jbird jbird is offline
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So now, she is saying vehemently that this is innate, it isn't going away. At the same time, she is saying she will give it up for me.

Isn't that a contradiction? Is there any basis for trusting this situation? Wouldn't I just be her oppressor?
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  #14  
Old 07-28-2010, 07:20 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbird View Post
So now, she is saying vehemently that this is innate, it isn't going away. At the same time, she is saying she will give it up for me.

Isn't that a contradiction? Is there any basis for trusting this situation? Wouldn't I just be her oppressor?
I understand that statement.

I am poly. I want other relationships in my life. However, if my dh said NO - that will HURT me and cause me PAIN - I would not pursue anything other than friendships.

I love him enough to give up that for him.

He loves me enough to walk this journey with me.
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  #15  
Old 07-28-2010, 07:25 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Now, everything I know about polyamory I learned from Dan Savage. .
Dan Savage is a smart guy but he is not exactly poly friendly as far as having faith in it's sustainability. I'm glad you are seeking more information. My advice is short and completely from my point of view. Don't move in with her. Establish yourself on your own two feet in a new location and see how poly pans out for you. If you move in you may amplify the sense of being trapped.
Not only that but she has just come out as poly and has no idea if she will be able to effectively have multiple meaningful relationships. Being poly doesn't make you good at it, it takes work and experience.

You both need to gain your footing in my opinion.
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  #16  
Old 07-28-2010, 07:42 PM
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I'm not a big fan of moving anywhere into someones place. I think its setting oneself up for a whole lot of work and difficulties. Especially if a partner is poly! Really I think people should find their own way in the place they live first so as to not become co-dependant. Find friends, places you like to go etc.

What's the rush to move in together anyways? Find your own place, discover what poly is. What does it matter when and how she became poly anyways? She is now and obviously wants to explore it and is fessing up. So now you know, so now educate yourself and move in somewhere else while you do. Start negotiating what that means and setting boundaries and time lines that make sense. All with the idea that everything is flexible. That would be by call.
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  #17  
Old 07-28-2010, 08:40 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by jbird View Post
Now, everything I know about polyamory I learned from Dan Savage.
Given your "20 people a day" comment, I think Mr. Savage is being unfairly maligned here.

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Originally Posted by jbird View Post
I know she has been in only abusive relationships in the past, and only with incompetent lovers.
Wait, isn't she your ex-? Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I don't see why this is at all relevant; you know exactly what it is like to be in a relationship with her, so why even bring this up?

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Originally Posted by jbird View Post
So, I guess, my questions are: What is the difference between the average monogamous person who foregoes acting on their sexual impulses, and chooses to remain monogamous, and a polyamorous person? Is it a choice? Is it a hard-coded fact of someone's psychological make-up?
In your example the difference is that a "polyamorous person" wants a relationship style in which they can have mutliple romantic partners, whereas the "monogamous person" is choosing not to chase after a random person that they'd like to have sex with.

Look, I don't think it matters whether it is "hard-coded" or not; this biological determinism stuff seems to me to be missing the point. But if it helps you (or her) to think of it that way, then you should absolutely do so.

She's telling you that she has a preference (whatever the origin of that preference) for a poly- relationship. You have a different preference. One of you will not be in the kind of relationship that you want. But she's also telling you that is not a dealbreaker for her. She may be wrong about that! But nobody here is going to be able to tell you whether or not that's the case.

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Until a few days ago, our conversations were about marriage and children. I signed an employment contract. I signed a lease. I donated most of my belongings. I don't want to sweep this under the rug. I would love some perspective from someone a little more clearheaded than me right now.
Sounds to me like you're already committed to the move, so that means you are just going to find out sooner or later whether or not this relationship is going to work. Given that, my advice is to have some serious conversations about what would make things work well for both of you. For example, if (or, more likely, when) she finds herself having romantic feelings for someone else, what do you want to have happen? For her to never have any contact with that person again? For her to tell you, or not? Work out this sort of stuff in advance, and make sure that you're both agreeing to things that you can actually live with.
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  #18  
Old 07-28-2010, 08:41 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Wow. You're kind of in a hard place with you taking the job and all.

I would go, because jobs are hard to come by. But if she feels she truly is poly and it's not going to change, I wouldn't let her give it up for you. It could cause resentment down the road and she already has a pattern of cheating. Emotional or physical, affairs are still affairs and you don't want to wake one day and realize she's running around town on you. Now if you're deadset on being unable to live with her being poly, the move can be permanent but living with her can not. You need to start looking for a sublet or ways to get out of the lease or something. If you're just not sure, give it 6 months. Walk this journey with her, explore it, stick around here and ask your questions and if at the end of 6 months you find you can't live with it at least you tried. Actually I recommend the second action regardless because you might surprise yourself. Throughout the whole process, get to know your city and make your own life there regardless because that's just healthy.

She has a history of abusive relationships. Tread carefully to avoid the traps where she uses you as an excuse to be "forced" to do something. Let HER take responsibility for HER choices. You don't want to end up down the road years later with her saying well I cheated because he MADE me be monogamous.

Last edited by FireChild; 07-28-2010 at 08:43 PM. Reason: Wanted to make sure I didn't offend.
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  #19  
Old 07-28-2010, 09:16 PM
jbird jbird is offline
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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Given your "20 people a day" comment, I think Mr. Savage is being unfairly maligned here.
It's funny that people are offended about that line. I thought it was a proven fact that most people do this more or less constantly. I could be wrong.

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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Wait, isn't she your ex-? Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I don't see why this is at all relevant; you know exactly what it is like to be in a relationship with her, so why even bring this up?
I was pointing out the history of cheating, and I why I had effectively written it off as insignificant. Also, I was wondering if it's possible to confuse cheating for would-be polyamory - not that I think they're the same.

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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
In your example the difference is that a "polyamorous person" wants a relationship style in which they can have mutliple romantic partners, whereas the "monogamous person" is choosing not to chase after a random person that they'd like to have sex with.
Is it possible that I, too, am polyamorous, but prefer not to practice it? I don't see any difference between polyamory and my own experience, which I thought was typical. It's just that it all sounds like a hot mess to me, and that kind of intense confrontation with volatile emotional content is not the kind of therapy I prefer.

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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Look, I don't think it matters whether it is "hard-coded" or not; this biological determinism stuff seems to me to be missing the point. But if it helps you (or her) to think of it that way, then you should absolutely do so.
You're probably right. I was trying to determine if this is something that can be worked out, or is going to be a persistent, unsolvable problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
She's telling you that she has a preference (whatever the origin of that preference) for a poly- relationship. You have a different preference. One of you will not be in the kind of relationship that you want. But she's also telling you that is not a dealbreaker for her. She may be wrong about that! But nobody here is going to be able to tell you whether or not that's the case.
Good point. I think that's the most succinct translation of what she is telling me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Sounds to me like you're already committed to the move, so that means you are just going to find out sooner or later whether or not this relationship is going to work. Given that, my advice is to have some serious conversations about what would make things work well for both of you. For example, if (or, more likely, when) she finds herself having romantic feelings for someone else, what do you want to have happen? For her to never have any contact with that person again? For her to tell you, or not? Work out this sort of stuff in advance, and make sure that you're both agreeing to things that you can actually live with.
Hm. What's perplexing me now, further, is the idea that polyamory means wanting multiple relationships. Whereas for her I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. she just wants to be able to have sex with someone else. I'm not sure which one is better - for me. If either.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I'm still listening.
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  #20  
Old 07-28-2010, 10:47 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by jbird View Post
Hm. What's perplexing me now, further, is the idea that polyamory means wanting multiple relationships. Whereas for her I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. she just wants to be able to have sex with someone else. I'm not sure which one is better - for me. If either.
Hm. Are you sure that the confusion is on her part?

If what she wants is to have casual sex while otherwise having a relatively mainstream relationship style, she's going to confuse people by identifying as poly- (like, for instance, all of the people on this forum who have responded to you). I happen to hold that people get to identify however they want, and that I don't get to trample on someone's self-identification just because I find it confusing, but... others disagree. Regardless, if I were you I would want to pin down exactly what she's talking about here. If what she wants is more of a classic open relationship, that's going to play out differently than her wanting a poly- relationship.

It's true that lots of poly- advice, literature, etc. can be very useful for people looking to have any kind of non-monogamous relationship, and I'd say it is worth the time on both your parts to explore that (Opening Up, for instance, spends a lot of time exploring different styles of non-monogamy). That said, I think that "I find myself wanting to have sex with someone other than my romantic partner" is a very different statement than "I want to simultaneously have multiple romantic partners", and the accompanying challenges are going to be different.
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