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  #41  
Old 07-27-2010, 07:05 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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this was written on another thread and I wanted to ask about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
...... LDRs can often be characterized by an increased emotional vulnerability.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=3203&page=8

I am curious how this is so and how it manifests. If you read the rest of this thread you will note that I am not a fan of LDR for myself. I have had LDR's before and have felt increased emotional vulnerability, but hadn't really recognized that until now... comments? ideas? thoughts?
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  #42  
Old 07-27-2010, 04:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
this was written on another thread and I wanted to ask about it.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...?t=3203&page=8

I am curious how this is so and how it manifests. If you read the rest of this thread you will note that I am not a fan of LDR for myself. I have had LDR's before and have felt increased emotional vulnerability, but hadn't really recognized that until now... comments? ideas? thoughts?
hmmm as I am sort of going through this I can see it...and I believe it related directly to intimacy.

With intimacy comes a vulnerability that is easy and natural. We all like it (ok most of us) and we all accept it. In LDR's you can't have that so you need to connect somehow to keep building the relationship.

So instead of

communication -> friendship -> physical touch -> emotional touch -> intimate vulnerability

that line of site has to change in order to manifest the relationship into discernible steps of progression.

Ya ok, thats my 50 cent set of words for the day...jesus.
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  #43  
Old 07-29-2010, 10:50 PM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Ah, I missed this discussion before. This was something I had come to realize from 15 years of LDR experience in various forms, but I didn't really have words for until I read an article a few months ago talking about how the internet has changed the way people relate to one another and the intellectual and emotional impact of it all. Be damned if I can remember where it is, or who wrote it, though. I'm still going through my thousands of bookmarks to try to find it, because I thought it was such an insightful article. I'll post it here if I can ever find the link.
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  #44  
Old 07-29-2010, 11:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I look forward to the link FU ...hope you find it
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  #45  
Old 08-14-2010, 05:27 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Default Maybe the distance is a good thing?

I can't believe I'm thinking it. My lover told me, maybe four months back, "I kind of like the distance." I told my husband later, "I wish I'd asked what he meant." But time was limited. It was too close to the meet up with our respective spouses and the goodbye, and all I wanted to do was hold him. I have damned the distance for two years... too far to resolve conflicts easily, too far to hug, too far to ask the hard questions, too far to get the concrete reassurance when I feel the pounding of doubts.

An amazing thing happened when work became crazy. I didn't have time to mourn and stress about the distance. I finally disconnected in some way. Maybe it was the death of NRE. I don't know. But somehow, in that disconnect, I found a feeling of security in the quad that I had not known before. We used to tell our significant others, "We're not going anywhere," and they'd say the same in return. I don't think I believed them. The process of relationship building was so extraordinarily slow... As we approach a week together though, with no preceding efforts to tempt or flirt or convince, and even after some "tough love" on our part, I'm thinking they must have been telling the truth.

The distance has been difficult, but perhaps not without its benefits? I am someone who feels deeply, deeply enough to scare off the weak or uncertain. I can be fierce in argument and recrimination, and my natural posture is one of "preparation for the worst." Our lovers recognize this in me, but they've been spared the brunt of it because of the distance.

I once told my lover, "We don't really see the worst of each other, because we don't have to deal with each other day in and day out." "Isn't that a good thing?" he asked. I suppose, when time is a precious resource, it really is.
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  #46  
Old 08-14-2010, 04:57 PM
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Yep, distance can be a good thing. It has many benefits that many people don`t recognize.

Not in your case, but I find far to many people rush things. The bond, and your ability to be fluid and let the relationship take its own shape, makes all the difference in attitude and the ability to deal with things.

Enjoy the revelation. It is a great lesson.
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  #47  
Old 08-14-2010, 11:16 PM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Yep, distance can be a good thing. It has many benefits that many people don`t recognize.

Not in your case, but I find far to many people rush things. The bond, and your ability to be fluid and let the relationship take its own shape, makes all the difference in attitude and the ability to deal with things.

Enjoy the revelation. It is a great lesson.
My partner is 7 hours drive away,I enjoy the distance because I like my own time and it HAS forced us to take things slower especially with the complications of his children and their mothers. We negotiate regularly and talk daily but we both recognise the need for our 'own time'.
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  #48  
Old 08-15-2010, 08:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I see benefits. And am working with them. But there are things that move or change at a different pace. As long as you can handle the differing relationship style (the flow and pace of the relationship changes) its all good
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  #49  
Old 08-16-2010, 04:30 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I enjoy the distance at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes it's torture, but I find otherwise I can go to fast, or we're all over each other the whole time until one of us (or both!) can't take it anymore and we just break up.

I also find that it gives you the opportunity to know each other very well, and have a lot of emotional intimacy before you have sexual intimacy, and that works for me, as it allows me to trust my partner 100% and not be self conscious.
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  #50  
Old 10-13-2010, 05:50 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Default Long Distance Relationship

What constitutes a long distance relationship for you?

Is it a matter of driving time? Ease of access? (For instance - north vancouver to richmond could be long distance - not easy to get there if you don't have a car) Something else?
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