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  #1  
Old 07-26-2010, 08:33 AM
Tomte Tomte is offline
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Default How to react? I am Poly and live in a closed relationship and got cheated.

Hello everybody,

thank you allready in advance for reading and an advice in my situation.

I connect this thread together with my first mandatory post of "hello Iīm new". =)

I am from northern Germany and 21. Travelled around the world and I am back know in my hometown and work till I stark study. I am in a good knowledge about polyamory and I want to start relationships in the future as poly, but further no practical experience yet. Unfortunately there is almost no community in my hometown. So I am on my own and have to be patient to find some people, but doesnīt matter.

I am in a relationship at the moment with a wonderful woman. She is not poly and does not want to become it. She doesnīt know a lot about polyamory and is conservative in this aspect. She will go to New Zealand in 2 month for a year and we wonīt continue our relationship active, certainly we will keep a close contact to each other. She knows that I am poly, but she is giving me all I need right now, and I donīt have the desire to meet more women. I am fully in love with her. I gave her the option to meet other man and promised her to be faithful. Wrong I know, but I did it with the expectation that she is refusing the option and she did. Well, we are together now just 2 month. Last weekend she was quite drunk and she kissed my best friend for a half a minute and left him afterwards with a immediate bad conscience. I knew that they have a high sympathy for each other, but believed in the platonic relationship in this case. Ok.....2 hours ago she told me about it or rather she wrote me a letter and apologized etc. I left afterwards and drove home to think about it, it told her that polite and totally calm/

My first thought as soon as I finished the letter was weird for me. I was not angry, either jealous. I was just confused and unsure how to react. I donīt care about a little kiss, but in a closed relationship she broke the rules and cheated on me. I donīt know how to talk with my friend and her. I am not angry but for them I should be. Hold on, I am angry, yes, but just because she hurt my trust. We live mono for her and she is breaking it. She did it because she was drunk. Or perhaps more, maybe she can find herself in polyamory in the future and I can make with her now the first step? I tried to figure out her feelings for him, but she just said that she is sorry and it doesnīt have to do something with him, she is loving me and it was just wrong with no more background. But can this happen, without anything, she didnīt even enjoyed it. I like to kiss, but then I do it because of a high sympathy for this person, not just anyone, she canīt tell me that.
So no not really the right thing to get poly with her. But I have seriously to think about, if I still want to be with her in a closed relationship. I think about to make it to an open relationship. BUT now I just think about a solution for my reaction. Still Iīm fully in love with her and does not want to be with another girl currently. But I can feel a feeling of change in this opinion.

How to react? just being honest is right I think and say I donīt care, but do I not have to do anything. I wanna give this situation a more important role, hard to describe. what do you think?

The situation with my friend is different. He knows that I know what he did and he doesnīt have a clou about my poly thinking. In my community I canīt just say, donīt care. My image in the group is not in line with this reaction. And it could lead to further situation of disrespect. He absolutely disrespect me with that what he did and this is hard for me to handle too.

Ok I think the most is told. I thank you so much for an answer/advice. If you need more details for an opinion just ask. You can see, how I am writing, I am lost and can find a structure, either in this text nor in my thoughts.

Kind regards from Bremen

Tomte
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  #2  
Old 07-26-2010, 03:09 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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You are 21 ?

She is young too ?

Youth is for making mistakes, and learning and growing from them,....

She knows you are interested in polyamory, you also gave her 'your' permission about other men, (albeit, hoping she wouldnt give herself permission).....

In that context, I would drop the angry-routine. Sooo you didnt get to control how it came about. So what ? Thats what you seem really pissed off about. You didnt get to control how it evolved. I`ll guess you are also a bit frustrated, because you have been mono 'for her', and didnt get to be your polyamorous self. Yes, she did do something stupid. I wouldnt make irreversable decisions about that right now though.

Use the experiment/situation to show her how its possible to be in love in one place, and still be interested in another place. You have a opportunity here, to broaden her horizons. It`s up to you to seize that opportunity, or to chose to wallow in being upset about it.

But do this all in a few days time. You need to just vent right now (which you are doing) let yourself feel pissy, ( without attacking anyone verbally) and give yourself some time to mull it over. In a few days, you might see the glass as half full, not half empty. If I were you, I wouldnt react right now,...just give it time, and you might see various perspectives on this.

Good luck.
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Could she have done this to see what it would be like? To test the waters? Or even moreso, test your waters? You say you want to be poly. but hopefully you mean for your partners to be open too

You have a right to be upset about her cheating, but what was the reasoning behind her cheating? You might have told her the surface about poly and maybe she misunderstood. You might want to communicate that and see where it goes. She might have just done what she thought you mean as poly

Figure out her motives, and realize you have a reason to be upset but be prepared to discuss it openly and honestly

The friend, I would have a harder time with. He didn't know, and did this. He was cheating with the intent of cheating...hes a dick, not saying dropping him as a friend, but thats not very good friend behaviour.

Cheers

Ari

Last edited by Ariakas; 07-26-2010 at 08:15 PM.
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:27 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
The friend, I would have a harder time with. He didn't know, and did this. He was cheating with the intent of cheating...hes a dick, not saying dropping him as a friend, but thats not very good friend behaviour.
Let's not be so harsh. There is a lot of ambiguity in this situation and communication is not completely open. Let's face it, they are young. And it happened in her presence which completely changes the dynamic. Calling this "cheating" is a little over the top. It seems more like stretching the boundaries and Tomte is partly surprised at her own reaction.

Give it all some time and don't over-react.
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:52 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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FYI, Tomte is male.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 07-26-2010, 07:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sdguitarguy View Post
Let's not be so harsh. There is a lot of ambiguity in this situation and communication is not completely open. Let's face it, they are young. And it happened in her presence which completely changes the dynamic. Calling this "cheating" is a little over the top. It seems more like stretching the boundaries and Tomte is partly surprised at her own reaction.

Give it all some time and don't over-react.
I am not over reacting. If tomte feels his friend cheated with his gf...he was a jerk.

Being young doesn't excuse you from having some sense of responsibility. Being drunk doesn't excuse it either.

I was once the person who was the one being cheated with. I was being a selfish jerk. Period. I deserved all the backlash I got for what I did.

Last edited by Ariakas; 07-26-2010 at 08:25 PM.
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Old 07-26-2010, 08:35 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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I'm with Ariakis; the "friend" was being a jerk, and owes Tomte an apology, given that the rules of that friendship are clearly that they aren't to be smooching each other's partners. What I, or other poly- people, might think of those rules are sort of beside the point, since they exist in this case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomte View Post
How to react? just being honest is right I think and say I donīt care, but do I not have to do anything. I wanna give this situation a more important role, hard to describe. what do you think?
Yes, you can say "I don't really feel angry or jealous, but I still think what happened was somewhat important." The root of the problem is that you are not in the kind of relationship you want to be in, whereas she is and nevertheless still gets to smooch people. But, look, this relationship is going to go through a big change in two months. I wouldn't put a lot of time and energy into processing a kiss. Try to enjoy what you've got while you're spending these last couple of months, and then think about what you might have learned from this experience.

I'd also suggest that next time, you don't give up on getting the kind of relationship you want just because you're getting "all you need" two months into the relationship.
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Old 07-27-2010, 12:04 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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As for dealing with her, if she's going away in a couple of months, enjoy the remaining time with her and then move on when she's gone. Promises of faithfulness are all romantic and mushy, certainly--they're also naive and impractical. If you're both still interested when she returns, great, until then, get on with your life and find more love.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomte View Post

The situation with my friend is different. He knows that I know what he did and he doesnīt have a clou about my poly thinking. In my community I canīt just say, donīt care. My image in the group is not in line with this reaction. And it could lead to further situation of disrespect. He absolutely disrespect me with that what he did and this is hard for me to handle too.
If you feel you really have to respond, then respond. I can think of many different fashions to respond, depending on what sort of response you'd like to get. They range from removing him from your life without comment to leaving him unconscious and bloody for the slight (and I'm unlikely to seriously consider the latter these days).

I will say that having no response to the whole thing can also send a message.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 07-27-2010, 12:30 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Tomte, I think if you want to salvage your friendship with this guy, talking to him is inevitable. You mentioned feeling like he was disrespectful to you, especially since he has no idea of your poly leanings, and I think he should be told just that -what he did felt like disrespect, which is an entirely different feeling from the jealousy he might expect you are feeling. Telling him is a way of demanding and regaining that respect, I think. It could save the friendship.

I'm a little uncertain exactly what you are feeling as far as your girlfriend's part in this, but everyone has good advice for you. I hope you find clarity.
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Old 07-27-2010, 07:35 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I think I would use this moment as a teaching moment. You now get to tell her what poly is not. It's not cheating behaviour; its loving, caring, respecting, empathizing behaviour.

Drunk or not drunk, 30 seconds is long enough to register what you are doing and stop I think. That kind of long kissing is the beginnings of some sexy bonding. Kissing is what gears me to figure out if I want to have sex with a person... if I were her, this is what I would of kissed him for... to find out if he is fuck worthy.

Friend? Ya, a phone call (not email) saying that he owes you an apology and can buy you lunch to say that to your face would be appropriate I think. I think you can be light-hearted about it, but firm about what he needs to do to make it up to you...

Once you are sitting with him and he has apologized you can tell him what it made you feel like and can tell him that while you appreciate that he is interested in your girlfriend, he needs to check that at the door when he sees her. She is off limits until such time as you have opened your relationship, or its over between you two.
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