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Old 07-25-2010, 10:10 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default Ouch

Ask for what you want. If you want to be able to hang with this guy and it not be sexual then what do you have to lose asking for that? My bet is that you DO want more and that you think you can't have it.
Ok, yes. Maybe. I'm not sure. When I'm in his arms (much of our friendship has taken place on the dance floor) there are parts of me screaming for more of his touch. And yet, as I wrote before, I am happy to have this role apart from all the various women he has loved, the long time friend he hasn't ever slept with. He is an artist and made me this beautiful object, something he doesn't make for sale, something he has made only for the most special women in his life. I'm the only one he's ever made one for who was not a lover. (My husband knows this too.) I feel pretty certain that if I were not in another relationship, I would probably still not choose to have sex with him. At the same time, that very choice creates an electrifying sexual tension between us, it seems. I have told my husband that the way my friend looks at me and talks to me makes me feel sexy, and that it makes me more excited to be with my husband. He said that was good. Maybe my ideal would be to be able to enjoy lighter forms of physical intimacy with him, kissing and cuddling and verbalizing fantasies... My fear in asking for my husband's blessing in this is that he would say no (and I'm already telling myself no to it as it is), but that he would then feel uncomfortable with the two of us spending time together. I'd rather just deny myself those tidbits of pleasure in order to keep the love, the friendship.

First of all you say this man is saying sexy fantasies in your ear, now you are saying it won't be sexual; then you say you had a good talk with your husband and started to be honest and now you have decided to keep him in the dark.
I can't say it won't be sexual. I do say we won't have sex. (Or touch each other sexually, or meet in secret, etc.) We have never had that intention, as he really likes my husband and knows my marriage makes me happy. When I talked to my husband the other night I assured him I would divert all the outside sexual energy (from loving anyone else) back towards him, and not have sex with others. I have the kind of imagination, though, that makes all sorts of encounters sexual to me -locking eyes with dance partners, especially, or even just watching a handful of repairmen at work in my house. There will always be sexual energy between us.

Is everybody concerned because I didn't tell my husband that I am in love with this man, or that I didn't tell him about the kissing and dirty talk? Or both? I truly don't think my husband cares to know whether or not I am in love and with whom. He is happy to know I am quite in love with him, and he knows he can ask about the rest if he ever wants to know. Does this mean I am not committed to honesty? Shall I say, "By the way, do you want to know if I am in love with anyone else these days, and who? You haven't asked." I can just imagine his answer: "Only if you feel like you need to tell me." I'll ask, if the consensus here is that I'm not being honest otherwise. He has treated this like my private matter, and as far as our day to day life is unaffected by it, I think it really is. But I would tell him if he wanted to know.

Confessing to the kisses, etc. is something I recognize I should do, and as I said, I'm working towards it. It will likely be weeks or months before I see my friend again, and I think I will be able have that conversation before then. I don't know how my friend will feel about me kissing and telling, though... and I think he should know my intention to bring it up, right?

He's not a dangerous man. He could probably have seduced me by now if he'd decided to try, but he respects the boundaries I've given him in times of better self control. He hasn't asked a thing from me. When something this big builds up for so long, and you throw us together at 2am in the midst of a sleep deprived week of a festival situation where we've been dancing (with each other and others) for hours night after night, and we still keep our clothes on at the end of each night, isn't that saying something? Now that I feel able to love him openly without guilt, I feel like resisting sex will get easier. There's an outlet for the tension now.

As for the girlfriend... I expect they are coming to an end of their relationship, and he seems to be just waiting for some little thing that will make her call the whole thing off. Bringing up his interest in another woman would certainly do the trick. I leave that to him to decide. Last year he started talking to me really regularly (email) all about how he felt about their relationship, and I tried to be an unbiased listener. I think because he had someone to spill to, he ended up realizing how he really felt and they broke up for a few months. (Ironically, our first fight came when I was sticking up for her point of view and arguing that he give her another chance.) Now he's talking to me about it again, and this time far more cynical about their chances of a future, and I worried that I was sort of enabling a break up by letting him vent, and told him so. He didn't think that was the case. Anyway, they are in a fragile spot and I'd rather stay out of the way. If they decide to stay together, then we can talk about how I do or don't fit into that. Meanwhile our phone calls and emails are not sexual in nature.

Again, I'm not perfect, but striving in the right direction. Bear with me, please.
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