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  #21  
Old 07-20-2010, 02:40 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Originally Posted by Karma View Post
Talk is cheap, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's lying. Don't get all attached to him/them until he proves that he wants you to actually be a part of their lives. Actions speak louder than words.
So very true Karma.
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  #22  
Old 07-20-2010, 03:22 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I have had a lot of health issues this last year. This topic came up because GG (boyfriend) who I've had a relationship with to some degree or another behaved and felt like "as long as Maca (husband) is there, she doesn't need me".
I was DEVASTATED.
To say the least any time EITHER of them have had any sort of health or family emergency I've made it a priority to be there.

In all honesty-this lack of "stepping up to the responsibilities" is the exact reason why I broke up with GG 2 days ago. Because for me-there isn't room for a relationship in my life where both partners aren't willing to prioritize taking responsibility for each other.

To me-poly isn't an excuse for neglect. If there are 3 partners, that should mean you have MORE support, not less.

JMHO...
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  #23  
Old 07-20-2010, 08:04 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
To say the least any time EITHER of them have had any sort of health or family emergency I've made it a priority to be there.

To me-poly isn't an excuse for neglect. If there are 3 partners, that should mean you have MORE support, not less.

JMHO...

I appreciate your feedback LovingRadiance. I know that I, too, would give either/both of them priority if there was a family or health emergency. And...yes...I, too, would hope that poly would be an opportunity for more support...especially since he's referring to us potentially as a "family" (sister-wife sort of thing.) Sometimes I wonder if they're not more concerned about never being in a relationship again where they feel like they're being "controlled" by a committed partner than the ability to love more than one person at a time.
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  #24  
Old 07-23-2010, 09:00 AM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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I have chronic medical issues and I can't image my DH or BF not being there for me.

I wondered when you had your conversation about your needs being met during your recent health scare. I hope I am not being to nosy.

I can understand the idea of fear of controlling.
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  #25  
Old 07-24-2010, 05:32 PM
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Sorcha17 Sorcha17 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Livingmybestlife View Post
I have chronic medical issues and I can't image my DH or BF not being there for me.

I wondered when you had your conversation about your needs being met during your recent health scare. I hope I am not being to nosy.

I can understand the idea of fear of controlling.
LR that must have really added to your recovery stress! Someone on this thread said don't assume a bf or SO would realize a hospital stay would require attention or altering plans, I think that is bs! Not that you have to rearrange your schedule for a hangnail but a hospital stay (several days at that) is a different story all together. I mean at least make the offer unless you are a completely self-centered neanderthal! If you love someone at the very least health issues should be a concern.

BTW what is a DH? Husband?
Fear of controlling/laying on the guilt is what we are talking here correct? I just cannot imagine any excuse being good enough to completely ignore your responsibility to be there for your spouse/bf/gf/SO/OSO. I don't think it is the responsibility of the injured or ill to ask to clarify what they need from a SO at that particular time, they are sick for goodness sake. I mean doesn't anyone think that by being in a relationship it automatically makes you somewhat responsible to the other's basic needs being met?
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  #26  
Old 07-24-2010, 07:01 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Sorcha17 View Post
LR that must have really added to your recovery stress! Someone on this thread said don't assume a bf or SO would realize a hospital stay would require attention or altering plans, I think that is bs! Not that you have to rearrange your schedule for a hangnail but a hospital stay (several days at that) is a different story all together. I mean at least make the offer unless you are a completely self-centered neanderthal! If you love someone at the very least health issues should be a concern.
Ok I deleted what I originally wrote because I realize it was going to go strongly against the grain. I still don't believe your sentiment is true. And I hope I can explain it

As a guy whose wife has an illness that requires a lot of attention sometimes, I hear about pain, pills, doctors and sickness daily. Every day...not a break. When I take on a secondary, as I believe was the case, I will need to be communicated to that persons specific level of pain/sickness needs. I CAN'T guess. I am far from a Neanderthal and far from self centred. However my tolerance of pain and requirements of comforting are different than, say my wife. There is never a time when communicating your needs is bad...with my own wife, she needs to be clear, if I jumped everytime she had a flareup or pain, or became exhausted, I would become a nurse mother. Something she doesn't need, so she needs to communicate to me her problems, preferably with a level of how much it hurts.

Ideally, I will ask, and I probably will...but not everyone will. Not everyone is cognizant of sickness. So its always safe to communicate the problem.

Quote:
BTW what is a DH? Husband?
Dear husband if my googling doesn't lie

Hope that was a good counter point to what you were saying, which I do understand btw. There may be a back story as to why someone doesn't jump everytime they hear about a persons pain or hospital visit.

Ari

Last edited by Ariakas; 07-24-2010 at 10:58 PM.
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  #27  
Old 07-24-2010, 07:45 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Sorry DH is a commonly known as dear husband
DS dear son
DW dear wife
dd dear daughter

I have great support with my condition. Even my dogs give support. Sometimes my body takes on the ambient temperature. So the dogs laying against me can really help.
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  #28  
Old 07-24-2010, 10:45 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Ari-
I agree, communication is necessary.
For me I guess I was thinking in terms of myself-well I know I was, because I was expressing the situation I had.
I am VERY GOOD about communicating what I want/need before the fact.
Everyone in my life knows that I expect that both my DH and my BF (now ex) are BOTH fully responsible to me and the family and I to both of them and the family in all those ways.
BUT-there is no way to know what the expectations are if you don't discuss it in advance and I totally agree with you, there is no replacement for communication.
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  #29  
Old 07-25-2010, 01:00 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I tend not to hover when ppl are ill or in pain, imply b/c I am always ill or in pain and I HATE when people hover of me. I'm sick, not an invalid. Karma asks every morning- how are you feeling today-and we go from there. It gives me the chance to say if I think I'll need extra help, and puts him on the same page so he isn't left to assume.

But I still stand by the fact that if any of us were in the hosp, we'd drop whatever we could to be there. Hospital stays are much different than chronic illness.

I like LR expect anyone I or Karma are in a relationship with to be comitted to the family as much as we are to theirs. Yes needs need to be expressed and communication key, but I just find it unaaceptable to not be there for a SO who is having a medical (or any other for that matter) crisis.
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  #30  
Old 07-25-2010, 06:01 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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When I stop and think about it...I have a couple of good female friends who live near me and I didn't have to ask them or tell them I wanted/needed them to come and see me in the hospital. And....we have never discussed what our wants and needs are as friends related to when one of us is ill or hospitalized. (I hadn't been admitted to a hospital since having had my last child 24 years ago!) Admittedly they live near me, but it was still an 1 and 1/2 hour drive for them to come to the hospital and see me...after they had worked their full work week and have spouses and families to care for. They called me and said they were coming to see me when their work week was done and apologized that they couldn't be there sooner. Then when they got to the hospital and I was struggling with getting adequate medical care where I was at they told me "If you want to leave and go to another hospital you just tell us where and we'll drive you there." I decided to stay where I was after a discussion with the doctor.

My friends went on to do some shopping in another town that was one hour away. On their way back home they stopped back at the hospital to drop off some new pajamas they'd bought me because "You shouldn't have to go around with your backside hanging out in one of those horrible hospital gowns." Bless their hearts and thoughtfulness. I hadn't complained about the gown. I had gone in on an emergency basis and "it was what it was." But it sure felt good...more comfortable and humanizing...to get into my new pajamas!

One of their sons (18 years old) had come along so he could drive my car back home from the hospital rather than have it sit any longer in the parking lot. (And that son and his brother proceeded to wash and clean my car after taking it home because "we feel so bad for your friend, mom, and we just want to do something for her.") I also had several people from work tell me they were upset that I hadn't called them to have them drive me to the hospital ER when I was first admitted. (I hadn't wanted to bother anybody because I knew they had to go to work, and I wasn't really sure my condition was all that bad or serious.) I have no family near where I live. I live in Utah and most of my family lives back in Michigan.

It may be that since our guy is a nurse who works in the ER and she is a paramedic that their sense of urgency around medical issues is very different because of the critical nature of those they care for. But.....that doesn't meet my need for love and support when I'm struggling. And, I sure could have used a strong medical advocate because the hospital staff wasn't able to determine what was going on. I felt they weren't being very aggressive in their diagnostic attempts and were not doing very well with pain management. (This was a small hospital in rural Utah) I had discussed this situation with my guy on the phone while in the hospital. He was shocked at how lacking in knowledge and modern techniques for diagnosis and pain management this hospital was. A doctor I saw after my discharge from the hospital expressed similar thoughts and concerns, and even went so far as to say one of the pain meds they had given me was contraindicated for what they thought might be causing my pain.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 07-25-2010 at 06:17 AM.
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