Is it too late?

[redpepper]

one last thing here.....

If you are feeling inadequate and comparing yourself I would suggest that you get out there and find your life for YOU, not relying on anyone else's agenda.

My husband had a hard time for a time until he realized that his jealousy and discomfort was out of not getting on with his private life and staying connected with himself. He has come leaps and bounds since then. He is confident, self assured and has the ability to love himself first before anyone else.

Perhaps reassessing your own life and where you want to be going with it will be beneficial. Nothing like a little "three's a crowd" action to make me look at my stuff and get my act together, get connected to myself and get moving again.

Maybe it's time for her to leave your house so you can get back on track and pull your family back together before moving forward with her in your lives? Your family should always come first as far as I am concerned.... if your kids are negatively feeling the affects of this, that isn't fair to them. Their comfort is the most important thing and that directly comes from the two of you.

[Nyx]

I feel a similar way as you right now, that my reactions to my jealousy have served to drive my bf away. I fear that by me wanting to control our relationship and his relationships with other people, I cause these cycles of get jealous>freak out>argue with him and accuse him>feel guilty and powerless>apologize and get over it, only to have it happen again all over a week or two later. I feel like every time I do it, I have failed. I fail him, I fail myself.

It's not true, though. And you have not failed. You will only have failed if you give up!

[Mark1npt]

So much good advice here FLgirl......I don't disagree with anybody's input that you've received thus far, it is all terrific. Regarding you, however, obviously there are issues that have gone on for a long time in your life. Was your adventurous sexuality in your past a way of coping for other issues?

Now, it looks like you've crossed over from an open marriage with free sex to what appears to be the possibility of a good poly life for all 3 of you. Poly is so different in that we have to accept that there can be love, in addition to the great sex involved. The emotion messes a lot of people up, not just you. Go ask my wife, she still wrestles with it almost daily. I'm not so sure anyone is to blame here. Just see if you 3 can work out a happy, mutually fulfilling poly life. It may be the greatest thing that's ever happened to the 3 of you.

[XYZ123]

I wish I had an insight. I seem to have the opposite issue from many of the other forum members. The emotion has never been an issue for me. I always seem to have a problem with the sexual aspect. I'm happy to share people, including my love(s), emotionally with anyone they feel strongly for. But the sex makes things difficult for me. I'd hate to have anything like an open marriage or a fuck buddy without the love there. Am I alone on this one?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by XYZ123

The emotion has never been an issue for me. I always seem to have a problem with the sexual aspect. I'm happy to share people, including my love(s), emotionally with anyone they feel strongly for. But the sex makes things difficult for me. I'd hate to have anything like an open marriage or a fuck buddy without the love there. Am I alone on this one?

Absolutely not alone! That's me in a nutshell. Have all the deep friendships you want IMO. Sex is the breaker for me too. In my case it's not about sex with her husband or other male lover, it's about bringing in another male.

Although people and attitudes may change over time, the person I am today is not prepared to share her with more men and sustain the depth of relationship we have right now. I would not even pretend to flat out say "you can't" because that is not reality. But every choice we both make impacts us so it's a matter of action and reaction and changing dynamics. Same-sex, sex is not an issue because I simply can't provide that. I understand it.

As far as being in an open relationship or one that involves fuck buddies? Black and white, not going to happen.

Now I will sit back and take the usual "mono straight men insecurity, need for possession" flack that I always do LOL!! So be it, I am who I am and I am proud of it. I'm done debating the issue.

[Mark1npt]

No debate here Mono....my wife would agree with you 100%.....she's ok with all PDA's, kissing, any sign of affection around the house with my other life love.....she'e even ok with the emotional side of it but still struggling with the sex side of it....I understand it (her issue) but am clearly not wired the same way as she is or you are...even though for my whole life I believed and behaved like I was.

[XYZ123]

Yes Mark, your wife and Mono feel that way. But neither identify as poly while I do. I don't think it's conditioning on my part, not societal anyway. More like extremely bad experiences. I know I can be at the center of a V (done). I know I can even handle an N (done). A triad might be possible with the right woman if we were both deeply in love with her and I felt comfortable enough (was willing but it didn't happen). And I'd never deny my husband a male partner if he ever chose to seek one (doubtful). However, they would all have to be based on deep emotional connections and a form of polyfidelity. What the deal breaker with P ended up being was 1) her male partner was not a love connection (on his part) but a fuck buddy. And 2) HE began having promiscuous sex with other female partners and P would neither stop seeing him nor ask him to stop despite it hurting her and causing concern for me. (risk of STDs, risk of P being emotionally devastated, his refusal to get to know me and N, etc.) I never had issue with enough love to go around. But the sexual aspect was difficult and still is.

[Mark1npt]

XY it just seems like this wasn't the right combination (of people) for you with the right set of respected boundaries....I wish you luck in finding what/who you want. Don't give up!