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  #81  
Old 07-01-2010, 05:57 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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you stepped in too sweets. Don't under estimate what you mean to me and how my making myself vulnerable has made our connection deeper.

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I second this. Your experiences and support were extremely important and helpful. So were Redpepper's NSBF, his experiences and support also helped. Everyone caring for everyone
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  #82  
Old 07-22-2010, 04:20 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Default So - how do you *know* you're poly/mono?

Just something I decided to throw out there after reading through several threads tonight. There seems to be some degree of similarity between some stories, and not in others.

I also sense this may break down into the whole "non-monogamy vs. polyamory" thing - which is fine, as long as it's constructive.

For me - well, I didn't know what 'poly' was until about a year ago. What I did know was that I had a string of failed relationships (including one marriage and another LTR that broke off during engagement) that all had one big thing in common: Me falling in love with someone else while involved and still very, very much in love with my partner.

To this day, I can look back at all my relationships of the past 17 years and see 3 or 4 women whom to this day I love immensely and would be happy to include in my current situation were all parties involved so willing and comfortable (ha).

Violet came along and changed my life with her relationship views, and we discovered that what we were seeking and working on was nothing new, and had been coined "polyamory", and the rest is recent history. I can look back at those previous relationships now through a new lens and it's all so clear! And so sad...

So how is it for mono's? Is it as simple as knowing that you could bever have romantic or sexual feelings toward more than one person, or is there more to it than that? I for one literally cannot fathom that, lol. In my mind, I figure being mono MUST involve some semblance of denial and/or restraint when those feelings come up for another - but I realize that this implies that you ever HAVE such feelings - a concept the antithesis of which I cannot conceive in more than a very esoteric manner. So enlighten me and the rest of us poly folk!

As for "the other thing". The ongoing poly/non-monogamy thing and issues with being called swingers or vice versa and so on has waxed and waned on these and other boards and in other places as well,but has never gone away, and probably never will.

Different people associate sex differently with emotion and relationships. Whereas there is some level of agreement that "poly" is focused on the feelings and "swinging" et al is about the sex, there is a HUGE gray area in between, and even a level of frustration when it comes to "separating" the two - which is easy for some, and impossible for others.

Discussion?
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  #83  
Old 07-22-2010, 04:26 AM
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I've known of polyamory and polygamy etc growing up in Utah and getting constantly asked if I was a polygamist LOL (and the answer is a big resounding NO! lol) I've known of the practice but never realized I was poly (in any way shape or form) until quite recently when I fell in love with a man from my work whose wife passed away a couple of months ago. When I discovered I had feelings for him without my feelings for my husband changing one bit. THATS when I discovered and knew I was and capable of being polyamorous.
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  #84  
Old 07-22-2010, 04:50 AM
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I'm interested to see the responses to this. It seems that some people identify as 100% poly or 100% mono and are very sure about it, whereas I personally feel like I would LIKE a poly arrangement but don't NEED it to be happy.

So I guess my answer to your question is that I don't know really how to identify (monoflexible?) but that for me I'm somewhere in the gray area.
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  #85  
Old 07-22-2010, 04:53 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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LMAO @ "monoflexible" - I like that!
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  #86  
Old 07-22-2010, 04:58 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rabbit View Post
I'm interested to see the responses to this. It seems that some people identify as 100% poly or 100% mono and are very sure about it, whereas I personally feel like I would LIKE a poly arrangement but don't NEED it to be happy.

So I guess my answer to your question is that I don't know really how to identify (monoflexible?) but that for me I'm somewhere in the gray area.
There has been a discussion of a poly scale. Like the kinsey scale. To better describe some peoples place in relationships. Two methods to that thinking

mono <-> non-monogamy

then the second one could be

swinger <-> poly

For example I am a resounding 6 (non monogamist) on the first scale and a 4 or 5 on the poly one.

...its been tossed around in a few variations. Credit to the first thought I believe goes to idealist
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  #87  
Old 07-22-2010, 05:01 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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ok my take is a person one, and differs from others I know. I am the male in a married couple. I date people. I, like when I was single, will NOT fall in love with everyone I date. To me this is similar to how I was when I was single. I don't mind being intimate with people I don't love...and its usually the way I figure out if I am compatible right off the bat.

I am poly because I can love multiple people...but overall I am a non-monogamist. I haven't loved everyone I have been with in my open marriage, and I doubt I will moving forward
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  #88  
Old 07-22-2010, 05:09 AM
rabbit rabbit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
There has been a discussion of a poly scale. Like the kinsey scale. To better describe some peoples place in relationships. Two methods to that thinking

mono <-> non-monogamy

then the second one could be

swinger <-> poly

For example I am a resounding 6 (non monogamist) on the first scale and a 4 or 5 on the poly one.

...its been tossed around in a few variations. Credit to the first thought I believe goes to idealist
I guess I'd be about a 3 and a 6.
Ooh there could be a grid with mono vs. non-monogamy on one axis and swinger vs. poly on the other...
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  #89  
Old 07-22-2010, 06:23 AM
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forget the labels. I connect intimately or "love" on partner that I want to communicate sexually with at a time. Sexuality separates that love from any other type of love for me. That's why the whole "you can love more than one child or sibling or parent thing" holds no water for me. I can find someone phyisicallly attractive sure but my sexuality is tied into the state of loving. When I love some one, that is the person I want to share myself with. No denial, just the way it is I have never had an overlap in connection in 38 years, no conflict of "who do I love". I stop loving one before sharing myself with another. Just the way I am.
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  #90  
Old 07-22-2010, 06:24 AM
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how about this long thread about the very topic of is everyone really just poly.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ighlight=scale

still working on the scale thing, but we have talked about it... here somewhere.
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