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Old 07-22-2010, 03:11 AM
CowleyRoad CowleyRoad is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Not near Cowley Road anymore, sadly
Posts: 41
Default Three monos and one poly, headlong into the unknown. Help!

Two months ago I wouldn't have even thought about going here. But the last two months have been a wild roller coaster of events involving myself, my wife, a polyamorous lady, and her possibly-unwilling partner, and we're in need of some serious advice.

I'm a straight male aged 36, and I've been married to my wife for five years. About two years ago, my wife came out to me as bi--actually closer to "if it weren't for you I'd probably be lesbian", even though she hadn't had a physical relationship with a woman at the time. Over the course of the last year or so, we've talked about expanding our sexual experiences to other people, and about three months ago we finally decided to sign up to a swingers' site. I think that we realized the futility of "chasing unicorns" (I'd never heard that phrase before, love it!) and figured our best chances at getting what we were looking for was to find another couple like us.

So one of the couples who responded to us were B (her) and H (him). My wife S was attracted to B's curvy picture and her breathless writing style, and B responded in kind. We e-mailed and texted back and forth, and it seemed that B and H were pretty familiar with this lifestyle, throwing in references to frequent "play" with others. Although B was doing the lion's share of the writing to us, it seemed that H was up for everything too; it didn't take long for things to get heavy, and we agreed to meet up. Well ,that went *fabulously* and despite B's concern that we might not be able to meet again right away...the four of us just went ahead and met anyway in a hotel room soon after. *blush*

Then, all the pennies started dropping. First off, B let us know that she was poly, but that H was mono. And H didn't seem as comfortable with our swinging arrangement as they had let on before. Turns out that B hadn't been with a man other than H in years, possibly ever since they got together--which probably explained a lot of his discomfort. (It also made me wonder who the "play" had been with...maybe they were "catching unicorns" all this time?)

A lot of the things that we were sort of picking up from them started making sense. Although it's clear they have a very loving relationship, it's also clear she wears the pants in their relationship, and H is hanging on to her for dear life. She's been mono for him for six years, at least as far as men are concerned, but reading between the lines it seems she's looking for something more. And we're starting to think it's us, or maybe just me. My wife has picked up a lot of infatuation from her to me. Hell, I'VE picked it up, and usually I have to be beaten with a stick to notice these things. H is a very nice guy, but there are a lot of similarities between B and I that H just doesn't share. I'm pretty sure that B's poly tendencies are on super high alert. B claims that H is OK with what's going on and that he's "really comfortable" with my wife and I, but I don't know if that's reality or wishful thinking from B.

From at least one point of view this is all going well--sexually we're all getting along like a house on fire! After being with B there's little question that my wife is indeed bi; the sparks fly between B and I; and even my wife and H were in a nice groove. But as I semi-jokingly said to my wife earlier tonight, "Who would have thought that emotions could get in the way of sex?"

My wife and I had agreed long before this all started that we'd be amicable to an occasional long-term sexual relationship with the right couple, and from a sexual standpoint B and H seem to be that couple. But I don't know how much further we could go without B wanting more than that, and we don't want to hurt H. If H honestly came to the conclusion that he could live a poly lifestyle as well...well, we'd decide what to do at that point, but I'm not sure we'd believe him, so unbalanced their relationship appears from the outside. I don't think we'd believe he wasn't doing it just to hang on to B.

So...help?
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jealousy, monogamous, new to poly, polyamourous

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