Advice on beginning poly journey please

T

TheHairyScaryFairy

New member
Hi I'm new to all this. Sweetie (my wife of 8 years) and I have been talking about opening our marriage. We're looking at me finding a girlfriend (one night stands do not appeal to me). I have no idea where to start or what to expect. Sweetie is my first and only girlfriend and sexual partner so I don't even know how to meet new women. I'm nervous as heck.

I'm comfortable yet nervous about Sweetie having a boyfriend one day. I know that communication is very important for keeping everyone involved happy.

Any tips on communicating effectively with each other?
 
The first thing you do is establish communication boundaries...and make them realistic. Not communicating enough is bad. Communicating too much can be bad as well.

Oh...and lose the "we". You are looking for a girlfriend.
 
Yes. Do it. Communicate with each other as often and with as much enthusiasm and commitment as you can manage.

But be sure to recognise when you've reached an impasse regarding a particular topic of contention, or are oversaturating each other with information, discussion or demands for ever more communication about the one subject. At these times, agree to back off until the dust has settled a bit and revisit the issue at a later (but not *too* much later) date.

Also, acknowledge that people have different communication styles and love languages. Whether it's your wife or a potential new lover we're talking about, try to work with their preferred style of relating when communicating, and realise that these may NOT be the same.

This is really important to both realise and internalise, especially for someone who has only ever had one intimate relationship: the way you/wife exchange ideas/information and communicate your affection and concern for each other may NOT be the way you/girlfriend naturally relate, for a variety of reasons.
 
I wonder why you're doing this, if you're so nervous. Do you feel you missed out by only having had one sex partner/gf your entire life?

Can you be "out" to family and friends as now being in an open relationship?

A good place to look for a partner when you're poly is OK Cupid online. You write an interesting charming profile, and look for women who are also into open relationships.

Maybe before you actually start dating, do more research. There are websites and books.

More Than Two is a website and a book.

Opening Up is a book many newbies find useful.

And just keep reading threads here on all the issues surrounding living poly.
 
My sweetie has been messaging her male friend (and he is just a friend). He sent a kissing gif and it upset me. He has sent ones before and if sweetie finds them inappropriate she tells him off and deletes them right away. But this one almost made me want her to stop messaging him. I trust sweetie but I don't trust him. I guess I'm not ready to open my marriage if a gif can upset me this much.
 
TheHairyScaryFairy said:
My sweetie has been messaging her male friend (and he is just a friend). He sent a kissing gif and it upset me. He has sent ones before and if sweetie finds them inappropriate she tells him off and deletes them right away. But this one almost made me want her to stop messaging him. I trust sweetie but I don't trust him. I guess I'm not ready to open my marriage if a gif can upset me this much.
Click to expand...


Um... I think you might be right. You are definitely FAR from being ready to open this marriage if a mere gif or "kissyface" emoji from a male friend can upset you.

I understand that in many mono relationships, such displays of affection from (usually) opposite sex "just good friends" are frowned upon (although even when I was still strictly monogamous I found that attitude smacked too closely of insecurity and a "partner-as-property" mentality.)

Earlier, you said you were "comfortable yet nervous" at the idea of opening up, however judging by this reaction, I believe you and/or your wife should probably keep the poly notion as fantasy-only for a good long while.
 
TheHairyScaryFairy said:
a girlfriend ... a boyfriend
Click to expand...
Let's begin by having you define your terms. What exactly do you mean by those words? And do the two of you agree exactly on those definitions? Some possibilities:
  • dating buddies -- we go out in public openly as a couple & have a lot of fun together & don't worry about more intimate things
  • flirtations -- maybe up to hot chat & emailed photos of body parts
  • occasional fuckbuddies -- mostly sex, not much social interaction
  • FWB -- close emotionally &/or intellectually, maybe with sex sometimes but we don't stress about it
  • strong secondary -- dozens of hours every week & two or three overnights
  • steady partner -- even closer, & regular interaction in my home with partner & metamour(s)
  • cohabitor -- living together
  • marriage or equivalent
You cannot say something like "well, I don't know yet, we'd just have to see where it goes" because the reality is that the two of you already have your preconceived notions -- claiming otherwise is begging to get bit on the butt when incompatibilites become insurmountable.

IMO, waaaaay too many "poly" noobs begin from too many silly assumptions. A friend compared it to fishing: the reality of finding a potentially great relationship is like baitcasting -- you often get lots of weeds, trash fish, & the ones too small/big to keep, but sometimes there's a glorious strike that results in a trophy fish. Beginners, though, see the pictures but not all the preparation & waiting & the hours & days that went into getting that fish. They talk themselves into confusing SIMPLE with EASY, & decide all that needs be done is wade into the water with a spear, plaster anythig that swims within reach, & call it success. (Then come to a site like this to complain that the result was not at all like "what was promised." :rolleyes:)

It's great that the two of you have been able to discuss nonmonogamy. Neither of you is likely anywhere near ready to ease into it. An option: leap in blindly & trust each other enough to sort out the wreckage & learn from the experience, then try again. (It works for a few people.)

The middle path? I recommend that you two learn how to simply have close friends of the opposite sex -- NO romance, NO physical affection that you wouldn't share with a sibling, certainly NO sex. Concerts, movies, farmer's markets, whatever -- figure out how to present as a couple with NO NEED for it to "go further." Learn to do it without anyone getting their little feelings hurt or having panic attacks.
 
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Thank you for your advice

Thanks for your reply. It wasn't as bad as I said I over overreacted. I realise this afternoon that I had a lot more issues then I had on the day. What you have said has helped me realise that we need more time and that having the opposite sex as a friend is a good thing. And later that will help with feeling that comes with it.
 
I'd recommend against reading each others' texts. It's pretty rude to any new potential partners to invade their privacy that way.

You chat up your women on OK Cupid or in text. Your conversations are private. Your wife chats up her guys. Their conversations are private.

My nesting partner and I NEVER read the conversations we have with others. Once in blue moon she leaves a chat window open on her computer. I do NOT want to see the love talk or sex talk or fantasy talk or kinky fantasies or pet names or anything else she has with her bf. It's not my business. So I don't look!

If you didn't read your wife's texts you wouldn't have to get upset over emojis from this dude.
 
Hi TheHairyScaryFairy,

If your marriage is open, then it should be okay for Sweetie to receive a kissing gif from her male friend. However, if your marriage is not yet open, then a kissing gif is somewhat inappropriate. I suggest you discuss this with Sweetie, and come to an agreement about what is or isn't appropriate for you two. Communicate a lot, but not too much. If needed, you can put a topic on hold, then revisit it the next time you two talk. And keep learning about open relationships. There is a book called Opening Up, it is a good book. Also you can continue to read and post on this forum.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I've been thinking a lot since my last post. I wasn't in a good head space at the time and it wasn't a nice post to put out there. The responses have been helpful though so thank you for taking the time to respond.

Sweetie and I haven't had opposite sex friends during our marriage and I think that having some would be a good starting point for opening our marriage.

I realized that my main issue with Sweetie having an opposite sex friend is to do with how I was raised. I was raised that a man's job is to work and provide for his wife... to the point of excluding everything/everyone else. As a result I have no friends or hobbies. And I guess I expected Sweetie to be the same. In the past few years she has made a couple of really good female friends and they catch up for lunch every week or two. In the past few months she met a guy online (through online gaming) and became friends with him. She has been open and honest about their friendship and even shows me their conversations.
 
Yes, well, openly and honestly showing you her private conversations with friends might make you feel better, but since you don't have friends (!), you may not realise that a friend might share something with your wife, that he or she wouldn't want broadcast to you.

It just might not be your business. I can think of any number of things a partner or friend might tell me that I might not want to share with my other partner, or any other friend. Certain health issues, embarrassing stories from their past, mistakes they've made and regret, delicate fantasies for their future that they are just considering, etc., etc. In my opinion, those types of things are for my eyes only. If that friend or partner becomes friend with my nesting partner and wants to share their stories directly with her, that should be their choice.

You are coming from a mono mindset where 2 partners "complete each other," are "soul mates," "share EVERYTHING." It is actually unhealthy. A larger social circle will be there to support you in good times and bad in the future, making you happier and safer.

If you and/or she want to start making more friends (of any gender) and eventually poly partners, it's time to start rethinking this "couple-centric" mindset.
 
Everything Magdlyn wrote...plus maybe don't get so hung up on "the opposite sex" angle. That really shouldn't matter as far as friends go.
 
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