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Old 07-20-2010, 04:24 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Originally Posted by rabbit View Post
When I am with my fiance I am the most able to be vulnerable because I feel safe. It's kind of backwards from how I expected it would be, but I think since I know I am safe with him, I allow myself to feel fears/flashbacks etc around him.

That's exactly how I felt. It took a long time for DW to understand that, and maybe he doesn't completely even now. It really makes sense to me now.

There was of course all the NRE and accompanying excitement / anxiety that comes with a new partner and I think that can temporarily block out the tendency to have those negative feelings because you can only feel so many things at once.
That's an interesting theory about why the negative feelings don't occur at once. I'm not sure it fit for me. I think it was that I wouldn't "burden", or expect him to carry the "heavy stuff" until I felt safe that he was sticking around for a while. Also, I had a situation where my very obvious non-verbal discomfort was completely ignored, so until I felt safe with him, I wasn't going to trust him with the notion that sometimes I am not able to articulate my fears and/or needs.

Unfortunately it does seem unfair to my fiance who has helped me get to the point where I am, but it is because I love and trust him so much, and trust that he will not hurt me when I am in a vulnerable state, that I can show that part of myself around him.
I know what you are saying, but I am trying really hard not to look at it as unfair. I spent years trying to minimize the effects of the abuse I endured on DW only to have that backfire in a huge way. What wasn't fair was the abuse and by committing to me, DW took that on as well whether either of us realized it. That sounds harsh, but really it is that I am trying to remind myself of this; that I am not being unfair or a burden, but that the experiences of my past are a part of our relationship.

(It turned out that our girlfriend was very negative and unkind about the things I did open up about, but that's another story)
That's terrible, Rabbit!!! I'm really sorry to hear that.

Anyway, it sounds like everyone involved is doing a great job communicating and I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much!!!! The same to you!!!!

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