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  #11  
Old 07-19-2010, 11:24 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Hey, what do you mean. "valley of the dolls" idea? Just that someone else I know said that recently and I didn't get it. Does it have anything to do with Russ Meyers movies?
Pepper uses that movie as an analogy in his writing on nonmonogamy for men that I linked to above.
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  #12  
Old 07-20-2010, 12:10 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Pepper uses that movie as an analogy in his writing on nonmonogamy for men that I linked to above.
Ah, okay, thanks. That actually makes sense in that context!
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  #13  
Old 07-20-2010, 01:30 AM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Essentially there is a dicotomy between men ane women in poly relationships. Men don't get that Valley of The Dolls fantasy played out; while women can get their own Valley of the (Ken) Dolls fantasy. It's the nature of the genders women in poly/open relationships will always have it easier.

So to intentionally digress, I met Mr. A this evening. My anxiety prior to it piqued around a 6 out of 10. But it was thorouhly worth it as it dissipated quickly after meeting him. I think TP was more nervous than I was. That being said I had a couple of thoughts I needed to share and get input on:

From a secondary (and primary) viewpoint, is it wrong of me to think that as the primary I am alotted more privileges/rights in the poly relationship than a secondary? This came about innocently enough as I was joking with TP that Mr. A was coming to my house so he was lucky I was wearing pants.

Also, I think that there's an inherent flaw with some poly/open relationships as the primary is at a disadvantage because their partner will always be in the perpetual honeymoon, first dates stage with the secondary. Thoughts like these only occur because I was off in my own little world at the gym. So what's your take on it?

IM or "R"
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  #14  
Old 07-20-2010, 01:40 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post

From a secondary (and primary) viewpoint, is it wrong of me to think that as the primary I am alotted more privileges/rights in the poly relationship than a secondary?

IM or "R"
As a long term secondary I see nothing wrong with your expectations. I assume you contribute across a much broader scale to the relationship as well as the family/household. You should be comfortable in feeling this way. You're putting more into the equation than just emotional/intimate time and energy.

Everyone should be treated fairly in all areas of life. Fair, does not mean the same however. I treat the people who work for me fairly, but I don't treat them all the same. Some are very professional workers who give more than is required of them so I reward them with time off or whatever. Others just do their job and so they receive their pay. Both are treated fairly, both are treated differently.
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  #15  
Old 07-20-2010, 01:48 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Hmmm. I sense an awful lot of game theory and "strategery" going on in your thinking and re-thinking. One up or one down sort of territoriality. I can't function very well in these scenarios and I end up losing my bearings and making a lot of mistakes, stepping on toes, missing my own intuition and being generally fairly miserable.

I tend to go into these "what if" scenarios out of fear. The antidote to fear is love. Unconditional love takes a willingness for me to open my heart and just let go of fear.

I don't think the primary is at any disadvantage, as from my experience the SO and the "secondary" end up having just as many "relationship issues" as the primary and SO do. People are complicated. It is your privilege to love TP unconditionally and to be there for her when the shit hits the fan with her "secondary." :-) (Personally, I'm not sure primary and secondary and tertiary are really accurate. My experience: the lover I am with at the moment is my primary. I realize this is a hot button issue on the forums and this is just my opinion).

I think it's a curious opinion, that women have it easier in poly situations. I have heard the exact opposite expressed as well: women are naturally monogamous and suffer jealousy and envy much more painfully than men. I think gender-based opinions like this are dangerous. People are people.

Immaterial
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  #16  
Old 07-20-2010, 03:27 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I must admit I find the idea of unconditional love to be perplexing. I can't imagine anyone loving anyone unconditionally. To me it seems as unrealistic as Fairytale love and freedom of speech. Can you explain how you use the term Immaterial? What does it mean?
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  #17  
Old 07-20-2010, 07:02 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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What do I mean by unconditional love? Great question! Instead of hijacking this here thread, I'll start a new one on the topic.

Immaterial
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  #18  
Old 07-20-2010, 07:03 AM
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What do I mean by unconditional love? Great question! Instead of hijacking this here thread, I'll start a new one on the topic.

Immaterial
Thanks my friend! I look forward to it. I'll check it out tomorrow. Time for this guy to turn in Have a good night.
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  #19  
Old 07-20-2010, 11:45 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
Essentially there is a dicotomy between men ane women in poly relationships. Men don't get that Valley of The Dolls fantasy played out; while women can get their own Valley of the (Ken) Dolls fantasy. It's the nature of the genders women in poly/open relationships will always have it easier.
I think what Indigo means is that from his perspective, men appeared to be throwing themselves at me when I was looking. While this is somewhat true, one must keep in mind the quality of said men.

The actual number of "dateable" men I found, was less than the number of ladies he is currently chatting with.

So, I must disagree with the Valley of (Ken) Dolls analogy. It's more like the Valley of the Dead. Zombies everywhere (moaning "bewwwwwwbs") with a few men left alive. Avoid the zombies, date the men.
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  #20  
Old 07-20-2010, 09:58 PM
DavidWebb DavidWebb is offline
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I perpetuated this same fallacy. I saw the Quantity of suitors pining for my wife without realizing the Quality was quite small. And it takes time and energy to sort through the various facades men will present to try and achieve their ultimate goal.

Glad you were able to meet the OSO. Impressive you opened your home to him. Was that where you felt you would be more comfortable?

-DW
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