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  #11  
Old 06-30-2010, 11:08 PM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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relationships in my opinion are give and take, support, sharing, loving.... you're in the hospital unexpectedly, of course it is ok to want your guy there.
but i think it is important not to assume. perhaps your guys thought phone calls were enuff support? has this happened before?
in my humble opinion, its important to communicate and in this case be blunt... say "i need you to be here for me, even if it is just for a short time..." buthe in turn needs to communicate with his SO.
and not just what u need but what do the 3 of you need.
i was a secondary in my last poly relationship and on 3 distinct occasions in 3 yrs i had my guy there for me asap because i communicated to him "i need you here" and his SO was ok with it because we all communicated ahead and during said crisis....
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  #12  
Old 07-03-2010, 06:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
He said he didn't mean or want for me to feel like a "secondary", but that things had been so hectic and that they were just more comfortable with one another and knew each other's ways.
dragonflysky, I relate to a lot of what you write. The dynamic is completely different coming into an already established relationship. While there are aspects with you and him (and you and her) that are so new, part of the relationship (him and her) is established.

I think you're doing well. You are asking to have a conversation about what you need to talk about. You're also understanding their time constraints and other commitments.

I'm very lucky with Nerdist because he makes such an effort without me even asking to accommodate me, to fit me in, make time in his busy schedule to talk to me or see me, and to fill me in on things that are going on. He hears me and genuinely wants to know how I'm doing. I never question how he feels.

I wonder how you and your guy can talk about what secondary/primary means to him. If you both seem to want to be primary with each other, what does that look like to you and what does it look like to him to have two primaries? Has he thought about how to balance his commitments in situations like this? When the relationship is less new, will there be a time when he can/will change plans when/if you really need him? Etc...

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Heck I don't know what to think!!!!!????? This is so frickin confusing.
Yeah, it can be, eh?! I can only give you the same advice I've been giving myself. Take everything one day at a time and really check in with yourself regularly. I'm finding I need to ask myself regularly, "Is this something that feels uncomfortable because it's new? Or am I compromising myself?".
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  #13  
Old 07-03-2010, 07:04 AM
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I can honestly say I feel for you. Like Roly I have a lot of chronic medical problems and it takes a lot for someone to be involved with me. I'm currently only with my husband, but even for his relationships it has to be considered. They have to know that if I can't move, or am in the hospital, dates will be broken as he will be with me.

That being said, if his g/f needs him, at no time have I said no I'm more important. There was a night a few weeks ago that she needed him and I was in horrific pain. He has NEVER left me when I have hurt that bad, but I knew he needed to go to her. I asked him to get what I may need while he was gone-water, snacks, medication,etc. and let him go.

Honestly if she were in the hospital. we'd probably both be there, and I don't really like being around her at the moment. But she is a part of my husbands life. Part of what makes him happy. I owe her for that.

Granted she lives 30min from us and we don't have kids to take into account, but we go home to ohio quite a bit and that is a 6hr drive. I've done some thinking on it, after reading your posts and honestly if she were hospitalized for unknown reasons, we'd head back here so he could be with her.

The fact that he didn't even ask just blows my mind. If I were dating someone, I'd want both of them with me if I were in the hospital, esp if they didn't know what was wrong!! We seek out relationships to fulfill needs. And one of those needs is to be taken care of. To have someone we depend on there, even just to hold our hand.

Granted , I don't know your whole situation, but I have to agree with those saying it sounds like you are a second thought to him. That just isn't right in my book.
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  #14  
Old 07-03-2010, 08:26 AM
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Gotta agree with my wife on this one. If my gf was in the hospital, whatever plans I had going on just got cancelled. Period. Likewise, if Mohegan had a medical emergency, I would be (have been) right there ASAP, and I imagine that my gf would be driving me crazy asking what she could do to help

The fact that he didn't even offer to change plans or visit..... sounds to me like you're just a plaything to him, dear. That's really messed up, IMO.
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  #15  
Old 07-03-2010, 04:23 PM
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Hi Mohegan, I'm glad you wrote something here. And nice to meet your hubby, Karma. Takes a while to piece everyone all together.
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  #16  
Old 07-03-2010, 05:26 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Originally Posted by Karma View Post
Gotta agree with my wife on this one. If my gf was in the hospital, whatever plans I had going on just got cancelled. Period. Likewise, if Mohegan had a medical emergency, I would be (have been) right there ASAP, and I imagine that my gf would be driving me crazy asking what she could do to help

The fact that he didn't even offer to change plans or visit..... sounds to me like you're just a plaything to him, dear. That's really messed up, IMO.
I must admit I'm starting to feel more like a "plaything". Even after calling him earlier this week and telling him I'd like to talk about some concerns I had about poly and our relationship but that I knew right then wasn't a good time (they were just finishing up a sporting event her son was in), he has yet to call me back. And that was 4 days ago. I tried to call him again last night and left a message that I'd like to talk with him. He didn't return my call. I think this relationship is rapidly falling apart.

Thanks to each of you for your support and feedback.
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  #17  
Old 07-03-2010, 07:59 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that dragonflysky. I'm sad to hear that he hasn't phoned in 4 days. If it is not nurturing to you, then I would say it's a healthy move for you to distance yourself. I admire how you've explored this, especially given you had never even heard of poly before meeting this man. I hope you gain something positive from it all.
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  #18  
Old 07-04-2010, 10:32 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
I'm sorry to hear that dragonflysky. I'm sad to hear that he hasn't phoned in 4 days. If it is not nurturing to you, then I would say it's a healthy move for you to distance yourself. I admire how you've explored this, especially given you had never even heard of poly before meeting this man. I hope you gain something positive from it all.
Thanks r.p. Anytime I can learn about something that expands the heart is positive.
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  #19  
Old 07-20-2010, 05:56 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Well....he and I finally had a long talk about our relationship dynamics and poly. It came up when I had the opportunity to interview for a job that could involve me relocating close to where they live. (We've discussed this as a possibility, in theory, in the past.) What I'm finding out is that while this couple has had some poly experience...they haven't had a lot. And all along I've been "assuming" (and we all know what assuming can do! ) that they were quite experienced in poly and working issues out.

One thing I'm finding out is that both he and she have been in marriages (not with each other) where they felt stifled and controlled by their spouses. Each felt taken for granted by their exs. I've been married twice and must say that has not been my experience. I never felt like my exs were trying to control who I was or where I went. I never felt taken for granted and always tried to keep things fresh and romantic in our relationships. (I don't know for sure how my exs felt, but neither ever complained about those type of issues. Of course since we're divorced...who knows??)

Anyhow....for the first time he shared some of his deep feelings for me....said he misses me...and really thinks it could work out for all of us eventually to be a "family". I'm still not certain....but I'm not giving up on the idea totally.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 07-20-2010 at 05:59 AM.
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  #20  
Old 07-20-2010, 06:40 AM
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Talk is cheap, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's lying. Don't get all attached to him/them until he proves that he wants you to actually be a part of their lives. Actions speak louder than words.
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