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Old 07-17-2010, 05:32 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default Ex-partners in poly: sharing information

It seems to be a very grey area when it comes to information about people that one has dated. What is the line between telling people information when you know they are dating an ex of yours? What is okay to talk about and what is not? Is it okay to initiate the conversation? or should one leave it to people to figure it out for themselves, even though you know others have been hurt?

background:

When Nerdist and I came back on the dating scene a few years ago, after raising our kid for a bit and taking a break from poly, we met a couple who said they were poly and looking for another couple or others to date and start a partnership with. We liked them although they weren't as forthcoming with information as we were and not as communicative. I dated the man and Nerdist dated the woman. We had a couple of double dates, but it was clear that it was not going in that direction and we decided to keep things separated.

After a few months Nerdist had fallen for the woman and was struggling to keep it under wraps. I suggested that he talk to her more about his feelings and see where he got. I was fearful and had a hard time with the way she was towards him, but we thought it best that he talk to her. Well he did and she flat out said that she was not feeling the same way and that she wanted to be fuck buddies and just chill. She was not interested in getting to know me or investing more beyond that.

After some days Nerdist decided to break it off as he realized that he would not get his needs met with her and it wasn't what we/he was looking for. Her thoughts on it were that she was sad that she wouldn't get to sleep with him again...

In the mean time I was dating the guy and we had not talked at all about where they were going and therefore how it effected us. I can't really honestly say what happened, but it turns out he thought Nerdist should suck it up and get over his love for his girlfriend and move on quickly and quietly.

I was left with a heart broken Nerdist and an irate Mono at how these two had treated us. Really it was a matter of not being compatible. So we broke up after an argument about it. If I were to define their relationship it would be that of "open" rather than "poly." There was no room for personal growth and every screw up was our fault it seemed and was fodder for their disapproval and judgment, rather than a supportive learning process.

Brings us to today.
A couple in the community I am in are now involved with them. I considered this couple my friends.

I wrote to them and said that I was being triggered about the fact that they are dating our ex's. I also wasn't sure if that kind of communication suited them as they are very quiet and I was a bit intimidated by that as I am very boisterous and forthcoming with my honesty. This has been known to bowl people over and I didn't want to do that to them. I said that I just wanted to let them know in case they were interested in talking to me about it. All in order to help each other as that is how I roll, or try to. I stressed that I didn't mean anyone ill will and wish them all well, but was concerned for them because of my own experience

It turns out that they read that as they trigger me and don't communicate well enough for my liking. Reading back I can see how they would mis-read that and apologized. It seems that the misunderstanding gave reason on their part to open a flood gate of opinions and emotions about stuff unrelated and I all the while just said, "maybe we could meet to talk about this as things get lost on line," and "I think you misunderstood me and my tone."

Anyway, I think they told my ex as his status update on facebook was seemingly directed towards the fact that his ex had caused drama.... sigh... I'm staying low and backing out. At least I am not perseverating over old hurts, cause now I got new ones... yay for me!
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communication, dynamics, ex's, honesty, information, openess, privacy, protection, responsibility

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