A potential partner is a bag of hot and then cold

I am a recently polyamorous person who is in a six-year relationship with my primary partner. Unfortunately, I am pursuing a relationship with a crush that is not polyamorous and keeps yo-yo-ing my feelings.
I am going to be doing fieldwork with him alone for a couple of weeks at the end of the summer and don't know how I should act. Every time I reach an understanding he changes something on me. Since the dynamic is different since I am poly and he is not, I am not sure the old rules apply. Some backstory should help. There are about three acts to my situation. Scroll to the end if you just want the question.

1. Crush and Rejection
First, my saga began with a crush on a monogamous minded guy in my graduate program. He intrigued me, and I felt safe with him. You know the drill, we found ourselves always by each other's sides. We started staying out later each time our group of graduate students would go out. We had long intimate talks about family and research. Then one night after we closed down yet another bar I took his arm, and we drunkenly kissed.
However, he stopped me and told me couldn't be a part of my polyamorous lifestyle because he didn't believe he could handle the jealousy. I was sad, but I respected his decision.

2. Pulling Me Back In
Well finally, after a month and a half of being in friend mode and feeling vulnerable and awkward, he started to act like he liked me. This behavior coalesced into a night out where we slept together, and I spent the night at his house. After almost two months of trying come to terms with our new friendship, he pulls me back in. Unfortunately, a day later he left to do two months of fieldwork, and we agreed to stay in touch but, he promised me nothing.

3. Texting Purgatory
Well, we had been texting every few days, and sometimes he would initiate texting but, mostly me because I am chatty. He would send me pictures of the things he was working on, and even though he was working, he would always respond to me. I gained hope. However, at the end of this third act, he has stopped his field work and is now staying with friends out of state. Since this change, his texting behavior has changed. I let him know I was sad about an old friend dying but I tried to make it light by asking for cat pictures to cheer me up. He sent a cat picture but, also chose to brag about a grant. Hours later, he asked me how I was feeling and tried to say he didn't have good service earlier even though he had enough signal to tell me his good news right away. A few days later it was the first time he never responded to one of my texts. While he did suddenly like one of my facebook posts, a full week went by and no response. I finally texted him about fieldwork, and he was upbeat and asked me about my 4th of July plans. I still felt hurt but, I initiated texting again four days later. Now it has been another full week, and I have heard nothing from him. I know he is technically on vacation and I don't know him well enough to know what his expectations are for texting.

I knew that sex doesn't mean that he changed his mind. We were drunk after all, and it was clear he didn't plan on having me over. Now in a few weeks, I am going to have to work with this person who I believe is undervaluing me and is making me confused. I don't know if he even likes me or if it is even worth wondering about that at this point. I get that non-monogamy is scary and that I should be patient with his feelings. However, I also want to know if I need to transition this relationship into something else.

My impression? He likes you just fine, but not enough to feel motivated to resolve his "jealousy" fears.

But WOW do you sound young. I'm a guy, but a sentimentalist, with an unfortunate romantic streak. Even at that, I cannot remember being in a headspace like yours since I was 22 (& even that was unusual circumstances).

Overall, I'd say "he's just not that into you." Your obsessing over him WILL NOT make things better, & in fact add to the pressure that's pushing him away.

Stop the obsession. Maybe burn it out, go on a crying jag, wallow in self-pity -- well, that's the stuff that works for ME, anyway -- just totally exhaust yourself, getting all that doubt & anxiety & fear ripped up & tossed in a big ugly emotional bonfire.

Then start putting that wasted time & energy to work doing something useful or creative or healthy, or lovingly for someone who is able to appreciate it (maybe go walk dogs at the animal shelter).

I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW, here's what sticks out to me from your post.

I am pursuing a relationship with a crush that is not polyamorous and keeps yo-yo-ing my feelings.

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If you pursuing a non-starter yo-yos your feelings... why keep doing that? Rather than poly date actual poly people?

However, he stopped me and told me couldn't be a part of my polyamorous lifestyle because he didn't believe he could handle the jealousy.

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He seems pretty clear that he's not into poly and he doesn't want that.

I knew that sex doesn't mean that he changed his mind. We were drunk after all, and it was clear he didn't plan on having me over.

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Then sex share that time was a fluke, and not a basis for anything more than what you had -- which sounds like coworkers and casual friends.

I think the one yo-yoing your feelings is you because you keep pursuing, maybe secretly hoping to change his mind. I suggest you accept this is a non-starter.

However it is you heal from disappointments? Do that work. Then move on from it. Maybe resolve to only pursue poly people so you don't have to experience these sort of yo-yo feelings again from pursuing a non-starter. It's not a guarantee that the poly potentials will be compatible, but you help set yourself up for a bit more success if you actually shop at the right store from the beginning.

Now in a few weeks, I am going to have to work with this person who I believe is undervaluing me and is making me confused.

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Be professional at work. Accept he's a coworker/casual friend type at best.

For your emotional management? Accept what it is. Just because he's behaving like a coworker/friend and not like a boyfriend/lover doesn't mean he's undervaluing you. He's valuing you as you guys actually ARE. You guys are coworker/casual friend type people to each other.

He is not a boyfriend/lover person to you. The one wanting to make him be "boyfriend-y" even though he told you he's not into poly dating seems to be you. I think you could let that crush go. Let your expectations of him be more in keeping with the reality rather than wishful thinking.

See if you feel better over time.

Galagirl

Hi theoldertheshaw,

Sorry that guy has not been as receptive towards you as you would have liked/hoped. Maybe doing the fieldwork with him at the end of summer will give you a chance to clarify with him where you stand. He seems to just want a casual friendship, although I can't tell for sure. When he slept with you I can't tell if that was him or the alcohol talking. But he has said that he doesn't want to be involved with poly, that he doesn't want to deal with the jealousy.

Keep us posted, and we'll try to give updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hi theoldertheshaw,

I really felt your emotions coming through in your writing. It can be really frustrating when there is chemistry but the other person imposes boundaries for what seems to be arbitrary reasons.

There are some things you have control over, and some things you don't. You have control over your own boundaries (who you let close to you emotionally and physically), and you do not have control over your crush's boundaries.

In this situation, you asked for him to be in a relationship with you. He said no. It looks like he was very direct about his boundaries, and used his words to tell you why. Even though he seems to be internally conflicted, you shouldn't try to read into his behaviours to understand something different than what he said.

He could come back with a counter offer like "We have really good chemistry together, let's be in a monogamous relationship" and you may say yes or no.

The sense I'm getting is that you both have really good chemistry together, but neither are willing to say yes to the other person's ask. That's why we are in this situation with wanting to spend time together but not calling it a relationship.

One solution may be to say "Nevermind the relationship. I just want us to hang out and text when we can. No pressure and I won't get upset when I don't hear from you. If we happen to kiss or have sex sometimes, that would be great too." In other words, just be open to interacting with your crush in whatever way he is ready to in that moment. I suspect that might make him less likely to make up stories about cell reception, etc., if he knows he can send you some happy texts whenever and not worry if he doesn't.

Your question "Should I transition this relationship to something else" suggests that maybe you aren't comfortable with this arrangement. Maybe you have decided that you don't want to let this person close because you might get hurt. That's your call, and you are 100% allowed to set your own boundaries to protect yourself emotionally.

That being said, it looks to me like you already have what you are looking for, which is a fun friendship with good chemistry with a guy who is conflicted but still wants to hang out and text, and maybe sometimes have sex.

So when you say you want a relationship with this person, what kind of behaviours are you including in that package? Weekly dates? Sex on demand? Consistent quick responses to texts? Cohabitation? A joint banking account? If you figure out this bundle of behaviours that are part of a "relationship" then that might help you figure out if what he is willing to offer is good enough for you to stick around.

In terms of working conditions, it seems to me that he is not undervaluing you or confusing you. He is telling you pretty explicitly that he is not interested in poly. He also values you enough that he appears to be internally conflicted about this. I suspect you may be yoyoing your own feelings, though it would be hard not too if you have this really great chemistry together. By avoiding interpreting his feelings and intents, you can foster a more positive working relationship.

One last thing - if you just opened up your relationship, there is a brave new world out there. My experience is that it takes a bit of time to establish relationships, so don't get discouraged if this one doesn't work out!

Good luck!

Wow your story reminds me of Elle and I. What I finally did was make a decision for me. I decided we would only be FWB. No more yo-yoing on my end.