Envy and Left Out
I've been (as many of you know) thousands of miles away from Maca this past month.
I introduced him to a lady I found on OKC JUST before I left. Her profile really caught my eye as down to earth, caring, sincere, friendly and a good personality fit for him (and I-but that was moot since I was leaving).
I let them both know I was ok with them working on getting to know each other and the possibility that if things went well going on beyond friendship to who knows where. And I meant it-still do.
In the midst of all of this they have found that they indeed do greatly like one another and that they do indeed have an interest in more than just friendship.
I really think that's wonderful. But at the same time, I'm envious of her ability to spend time with him-because of course right now I can't spend ANY time with him. I envy the soft kisses, the passionate conversations, the sexy embraces and what I predict will be the passionate love-making and rowdy, playful sex. I envy her ability to be there with my family, while I'm so far away.
This is NOT mind you impacting my decision-I just thought I'd share a bit because I'm sure others who deal with long-distance moments have similar emotions and struggle with how exactly to say to someone, "Yes I love you, yes I want this for you because I think it's good for you, but I still feel left out and a little down trodden that I can't be there to enjoy you ALSO."
Not to mention wondering how to say to that OSO, or POTENTIAL OSO, "I'm so glad that you and my SO are making a great connection;that you can fill a need and desire in one another. I find you sexy, funny, entertaining, intriguing and my only major regrets are that I can't spend time with my SO right now AND I can't spend time doing with you what he/she is getting to do with you."
It's a bit of an emotional struggle for me and it's very new, because Maca hasn't before seriously entertained the possibility of another woman. Whilst it was ME that started the whole thing-and I'm glad I did. I knew when I did so-it was only one week before I left-and that was going to increase the difficulty. It sucks being unable to be at all involved or included when your SO is building a new relationship.
There's no moment for us to "reconnect" in the evenings like normal. There's no chance for me to curl up in the safety and protection of his arms, feel that reassuring squeeze that tells me how much he still wants/needs me.
It was frustrating when he opted to go forward with their relationship without keeping me apprised of the progress. It was a break to our boundary rules and it was painful to me that he would feel he couldn't talk to me honestly, openly and forthrightly because I thought we'd already tackled that dilemma.
It hurt a lot that he did that. But it was a positive step in confronting it, because I think he really truly understands now just how much that honesty and openness means to both of us. I hope that it works out well for him and E. I only wish it were all three of us-not just him and her.
I've found in recent months, I miss the delicate, soft touch of a woman. It's been years since I've been able to enjoy that experience.
Its frustrating to me to know that I suddenly find myself desiring a woman again, there is a woman (this is VERY VERY RARE) that I actually find of interest-but I can't really pursue, because it would be totally UNFAIR for her.
I am a very "all or nothing" kind of girl. I don't have an interest in flings, don't have an interest in short term relationships. I'm ok with the sex coming and going, but if I'm going to have sex-I want to know that the friendship is a lifelong friendship.
Does that seem snotty or over expectatious? I don't know.
I just know that it's hard being away from all of my loved ones and all of you too!! At any rate! I am happily continuing to do my walks-increasing my mileage by the week. I'm enjoying the time with my kiddos and I'm looking forward to a "friendly date" August 16th with a beautiful lady and looking forward to a week of sexy, romantic time with Maca then too.
(I do know those of you who know me are wondering "what about GG"-he's there, I don't know what the situation is. The same issues from the last thread of frustration I created are continuing and I'm not sure how to resolve them right now. Yes of course I remain in love with him and no I'm not giving up on him. Just on hold waiting to see what it is he's going to really decide he wants out of a relationship...)
"Love As Thou Wilt"
|communication, envy, honesty, long distance|