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Old 01-09-2009, 04:12 AM
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fastlymagic fastlymagic is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: America
Posts: 17
Default My first third

I met Virginia six years ago and we've been in love every sense. She's my world, and the best thing that ever happened to me. I recently found out about polyamory, which was quite an epiphany for me, as I realized that's what I am. Soon after, I got back in touch with an old friend, who had been my girlfriend about 16 years ago (yes, when I was 10, so obviously we weren't all that serious). We'd been friends on and off for years, but started getting close again. She's very unhappily married with two kids. We talked online, then on the phone, then started getting together in person. It wasn't long before she sent me one of the sweetest letters I'd ever read, confessing her love for me. I told her I felt the same, and all was bliss. Virginia, a bisexual and the most wonderful, open-minded woman I'll ever know, gave her full blessing to this, and we began our tentative little dating lives as a triad.

Of course, the classic story follows. The friend had fallen in love with ME, not us, and it wasn't long before she gave me the ultimatum. Time to choose, and Virginia simply can't lose that bid. So, tearfully, we admitted it could not work.

I'm poly now. This is what I expected, and what I expect will come in the future. I accept this.

Sure, I had to escape to the break room at work more than once this last week, ball my little poly eyes out, and figure out ways to make the red eyes go away (and advice on this?) so I could face the public again. But I'll deal. With that part.

The big problem is she'd been ready to divorce her husband. Her husband, who is mentally abusive; who controls her actions online when he can, sends threatening messages to her best friends, and does everything a controling, abusive husband classically does. And now she's still with him, and seems to be regressing. The last I heard from her was this "what if he can change? I don't want to risk missing the chance to see him change, and seeing things like they used to be" message from her. She's gone from being ready to leave, being willing, being strong, to being afraid and broken down. We offer help, and she says she does not want it. Her other friends meet with the same wall. It is tearing me up to see her hurt herself like this, to stay in this painful and unhealthy situation, but she cannot be helped if she does not want it, right?

I feel powerless and I don't know what to do. I love her so much. She's my oldest friend, and I am afraid for her. If she can't get over Virginia and we can't be together, I am okay with that, but I want her to be happy and safe, and she is not, and I can only watch. He got rid of her facebook and myspace accounts, and I haven't seen her AIM for days. I know the tactic; he's broken her down so she has nothing but him and won't leave. She must see this, but she is afraid to leave.

I have told her all of this. I have shown her ways to get help, given her phone numbers, websites, ways to get in contact with counselors. She has refused, but has the information now should she ever want to do it. All I can do is hope she will.

Okay, well, that's not exactly off my chest now, but I've at least gotten to write it out. Thanks for reading. I hope this isn't too insane an introduction to my first poly community.
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abusing partners, abusive relationships

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