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Old 07-14-2010, 07:37 PM
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monaural monaural is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: California, US
Posts: 18
Default Mono/Poly confusion

Hi Polyfolks,

I've been a serial monogamist forever. I've never had any sort of open relationship, until I recently started seeing a poly woman who has a couple of other partners. I found this out a couple of weeks in, and was, honestly, disappointed. I really like the girl and we get along fantastically. Suddenly I was staring down the fact that she and I had no "real" future, as I knew it.

Knowing this fact early on helped me place this relationship in the proper light, and so far I've avoided the kind of squeamish jealousy I've felt when dealing with the concept of lovers "straying" in the past. I've just lived in the moment with her, and had a ton of fun and closeness. It's been great. She knows I am not poly at heart, and she's done her best to assure me that she can be "there for me" and "emotionally available" in any way I need her to be.

The other night, she called me, clearly upset about what sounded like a friend of hers suddenly shunning her friendship. I helped her calm down and gave her support. It was only after 10 minutes of this that I realized she was complaining about a lover having dumped her.

I froze up, kind of got my perfunctory empathizing out of the way, and ended the call so I could collect myself. It just really struck me wrong- she, this person with two or three (or more?) partners, calling her totally mono, poly-neophyte boy to kvetch about troubles with her girlfriend?

Suddenly I got that sick, squicked-out feeling I'd been staving off so well all this time. It sort of threw the whole situation into perspective and made me re-confront the fact that in my current mindset, I see no future with this person. This bummed me the f*** out, because I'm growing to realize that I really love her.

Normally, I'd just bow out, but she's amazing, and our connection is deeply simpatico. I just wish I could get past the feeling that what I have with her can't be "real" if it's not monogamous. I worry that I'll feel compelled to get some more lovers of my own, so I don't feel like a sucker sitting on the sidelines while my girl goes off and satisfies her needs.

This came out less focused than I intended, the emotions are running high right now. Any insight from pollies who've run with monos or vice versa would be appreciated.
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