Help?

[redpepper]

ooookay, he's cheating? Ya, I would be very concerned and would probably react the same way. You girlfriend needs to read on here about the disasters that have occurred when someone has cheated I think.

Really the whole foundation of a relationship is in jeopardy when someone is cheating or is with a cheater. Essentially she is also cheating and causing a world of pain and suffering on another person, not only you, but his wife. She is ruining her integrity, and degrading the relationship she has with you. Yup, I'd be furious and probably move out into the spare room too.

Good for you sucking it up so far. I can see that you are trying your hardest to let it play out and let her learn from her own mistakes. To what end though? How long and how far are you willing to stay in this? Eventually it will reflect on your integrity and good judgment also.

This is not poly, this is cheating. I see no love in this at this point, just sex and selfishness.

[DazednConfused]

Good for you sucking it up so far. I can see that you are trying your hardest to let it play out and let her learn from her own mistakes. To what end though? How long and how far are you willing to stay in this? Eventually it will reflect on your integrity and good judgment also.

Thanks again for the advice everyone. Geez what a mess. Redpepper, I really do appreciate your input. Ten days ago I was able to brag about my wife having more integrity than anyone I know. I can't cast stones, I've been a mistress in the past and know what a disaster she is headed for. I am sincerely trying to suck it up, I guess you asked the 20 million dollar question, to what end? Right now, my heart, mind, and body all have different masters. I love her so deeply, but i just dont know if I'm equipped for this. I really am trying, Im educating myself, seeking help from friends and strangers, biting back my snide comments, being kind and loving (as best I can) to them both. I just dont know what else to do.

Edit to add:

I've suggested some websites to her, bought her 'Ethical Slut' she responded she figured out how to be gay all on her own, she'll figure this out too. She isn't willing to talk to any of her/our friends about it, and is not ready to tell her family.. I keep encouraging her, begging her, to do something. I told her Im not trying to fix anything, but maybe if she got educated on this all, she might be able to help me deal.

[redpepper]

She said she figured out how to be a lesbian on her own she doesn't need help? Oh the NRE is running deep. Shes like a junky on it right now.

Yup, not much more you can do but save yourself now and think about what you are doing and what you will do. It sounds like you have done all you can at this point for her.

[DazednConfused]

So, yesterday was another drama laden mess. Sometime mid-day a mutual acquaintance of ours contacted me on facebook, asked me why her (the mrs.) profile was changed to interested in M&F. Well, I lost it. We argued for hours with the end result being we're roommates who date. I told her she needs to slow down with all this teenage lovestruck bullshit and stop being so selfish. She needs to remember who she is, a kind, caring, compassionate, dignifed person. That all her actions now impact me, him, his family.. I asked her how it would of made her (our?) brother/sister/mother feel to see that garbage. That the only reason for her to have done it was for her own pleasure, not considering anyone elses. That if she wants to come out, fine, but she needs to discuss this stuff with me first.

So after a week of me begging her to educate herself, she tells me he has a friend who 'has been through the same stuff' and shes going out to meet them to talk. Fine, at least shes trying, right? Well she meets him at a concert, turns out his 'friend' never showed, concert ended at 9, she came home at midnight.

UGH, Im trying so hard. Now, where do I drawn the boundries on this roommate thing? How do I keep myself from trying to "compete" with him, when I know thats just silly?

[sage]

I really feel for you, you have done all the right things and it sounds as if you're losing the battle.
To most people reading this thread I'm sure it sounds like it's time for you to pull back and take care of yourself. Does she still want to be polyamorous or is she just using you until she can get this guy to leave his wife? Was it ever polyamory? Because of his cheating, by definition, not really.

I have been through NRE when I was married and so I know what it feels like. At the time I didn't know what it was. I thought I had felt so unloved for so long that it was my own unique reaction to feeling it again and coming alive. I had all these justifications for what I was doing. Just Like RP I was in lala land and I saw most attempts on my husband's part to reign me in as him trying to keep me a prisoner.

Because in polyamorous relationships we don't have quite the same boundaries are our relationships more at risk from NRE? In the light of a few of the threads at the moment this is starting to worry me. If it happens to me again or my partner I'd like to know in advance how to handle it effectively, or even better, stop it from happening in the first place. If others feel the same way we should start another thread. so as a not to Daze and Confuse any further.

Sorry D and C didn't mean to hijack your thread. She's obviously right into this guy but for you to have any chance you need to establish if she is willing to work at at least being honest and loving in her dealings with you. If not I'd be packing my bags or even better packing hers.

[DazednConfused]

Thanks Sage, and I don't consider the thread hijacked at all, no worries. I'm trying to suck up as much of all of the members wisdom and experience as I can. I appreciate it all, even seeing what polyamorous couples go through further into the relationship is relevant.

I really don't know if she's using me or not, I doubt it, but I find doubt in everything these days. I tried to leave yesterday, and she would have no financial concerns, so I don't see any upside for her fighting for me.

I find the info on the NRE invaluable. I sincerely am trying to let her do her thing, but I get pissed when she outs me in the process without so much as a warning.

My immediate issue is now that we've gone to roommates, I'm trying to draw lines in the sand regarding intamacy. It seems now that I'm at risk of being without her, I want her more than ever. I keep saying slow down, but well, its half hearted at best. The issue here is I want her madly, but I'm not emotionally there, I kiss her and it feels like total bliss, then my mind flips to him in her mouth and I just get somewhere between a turned stomach and furious. So as I've told her no more intamacy for now, she knows me well enough to see I'm not very strong in that conviction and is flirting like crazey.

[TL4everu2]

Dazed, I hate to say it, but your wife has likely cheated on you when she went to the "concert". Personally, I would draw the line in the sand and tell her flat out that she can't have her cake and eat it too. Either she comes out and is completely honest with you, or you leave. Period.

But thats just me, and I'm not a licensed therapist. Best of luck to you.

[redpepper]

That is totally the misnomer about having ones cake and eating it too. Poly people put a lot of work into there relationships, seemingly more than mono ones. And then continue to the whole life of the relationship dynamic. It sounds like your wife needs to know that Dazed. No work, no relationships. You simply can't have your cake and eat it too.

[DazednConfused]

Thanks again. I think the root here is I need to go slower and figure out if I can accept this part of her. I need more reassurance, and I need to be able to get over the "ICK" of him...but she so wrapped up in her NRE (I think thats what its called) I can't get her to see that.

[sage]

Originally Posted by DazednConfused

My immediate issue is now that we've gone to roommates, I'm trying to draw lines in the sand regarding intamacy. It seems now that I'm at risk of being without her, I want her more than ever. I keep saying slow down, but well, its half hearted at best. The issue here is I want her madly, but I'm not emotionally there, I kiss her and it feels like total bliss, then my mind flips to him in her mouth and I just get somewhere between a turned stomach and furious. So as I've told her no more intamacy for now, she knows me well enough to see I'm not very strong in that conviction and is flirting like crazey.

This seriously does not sound like very healthy relationship behaviour on either of your parts. "She's hurting you and you want her more"? "she's flirting like crazy"? I believe that the love we attract into our life is a reflection of the love we feel for ourselves. I don't think that an effective way of dealing with NRE is to allow yourself to be treated badly. Allowing someone space and allowing them to treat you badly are two very different things