Dealing with insecurity

Hi all

How my husband and I got into being poly was a 3way with his friend. Over time it progressed from only things together with said friend, do me being able to do non penatrative things with his friend, and now his friend and I are actually dating. The final progression was having sex while my husband was home, but not involved in that but busying himself with the computer etc. We definitely developed feelings for each other and went with it. But the entire pace was set by my husband's comfort level. Like for a long time any snap my now boyfriend got, my husband did as well. I worked really hard on keeping everything even and comfortable for everyone.

He now has a FWB and I'm feeling insecure. His progression with her is definitely different and he's not as good at keeping things equal.

I want to start with my husband asked if everything was okay before he did it. He met her on okcupid, had a date. Then on their second date it was at our house while i was home and sex definitely happened. But he also in time we all spent together didn't show me nearly as much affection as his FEB. We talked about it a lot and figured out where that went wrong, but then the next day he basically did the same thing with texting. Again we talked about it and are working on it.


I know his relationship with her can't progress the same way mine did with my boyfriend,and I'm kinda struggling with that. I feel like I'm not able to get any time to get used to them together and feel involved. I want this for him and I honestly didn't feel any negative feelings about their first date without me, or even when they were having sex. It really all started when I was ignored during the time we all spent together.

Does anyone have any advice?

I guess some people are better balancing relationships than others, and discussions on the forums definitely seem to indicate that women end up as better hinges - whether due to their own conditioned skills with relationships and emotions or because men play better with each other as metamors than women.

Also NRE can be a pretty overwhelming thing. When you got into the relationship with the other man, it began as a threesome, so all three of you were in the new relationship. Now your husband and his girlfriend are in NRE and you are not. That will also make coping difficult for you and he will need to accommodate you more overall than you had to do with him, because he began as being included in your new relationship.

You may need more conversations to stress the need for slowing down and make your need for attention to register as something needing actual action, not just intentions. NRE can be intoxicating and distracting and while he is listening and trying, I guess you can repeat reminders or requests based on your needs as needed as long as they don't seem controlling or disrespectful of his new relationship.

Hi ElMango,

It seems that the main issue you have is that you do not want to be ignored (or neglected) by him when she's around. So far he seems to be willing to do as you request, but he is also clueless about when he is ignoring you unless you specifically describe to him what it is that you don't like. I think this is probably because he's experiencing NRE. NRE makes us dumb. You'll have to watch his behavior, and tell him when something he does feels to you like he's ignoring you. It's all about communication.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks !

I definitely get the communication.

Sometimes it's just harder when you're not sure what to do yourself.

I want this for him and us. But when I bring up balancing and he asks me how to I have no idea what to say.

Me seeing my boyfriend will rarely affect his time with me due to my schedule and my boyfriends. Him seeing his will always affect my time with him.

What surprised me was how it upset me with the thing with texting. I sent him a heartfelt text in the morning,and he gave a short response because he was at work. On his lunch I got him to confirm with his FWB if they were seeing each other this weekend, he did that and then spent an hour talking deeply with her but never sent me a proportionate response to what I sent him. He didn't even give me a proportionate response when we both got home from work.

We talked about it a long time and at first he got defensive but then he backed down.

Is this typical of NRE? How o was was so different and I was so focused on the us of everything.

Totally normal for NRE to be behaving like this. It's not healthy to existing relationships and requires an effort to manage if it's hurting existing partners. And NRE does destroy old relationships. He may benefit from understanding NRE better (recent thread 1, recent thread 2 with the NRE discussion starting somewhere in the later posts).

Jealousy and NRE pull a couple in opposite directions. If he's learning to deal with NRE, show him your support by making a bargain to work on jealousy too (kdt's jealousy links). That way your boyfriend sees it as a team effort to stay together.

Overall, I think Anamikanon said what I wanted to say. Females seem to make better hinges, or equivalently, males seem to make better legs of a V. Here's a thread that goes into that a little more with post 22 by pinkpig giving (what I feel) to be the most succinct response.

ElMango said:

I want this for him and us. But when I bring up balancing and he asks me how to I have no idea what to say.

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Be as specific as you can. State your problem and needs rather than accuse him. So instead of "You chat for hours with her but only send me abrupt replies" try "I am trying to adapt to the new relationship, but it becomes very hard to see you text her for hours even if with me and send me brief replies from work. I need to feel your love and appreciation for me as well to understand that you aren't losing interest in me and moving to her, and you love me too." or maybe "It is hard to see you text her when sitting next to me. When you are with me, I'd like to have your attention and affection"

We talked about it a long time and at first he got defensive but then he backed down.

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Defensive and backing down is not actually such a good sign. It is a sign of reluctant compliance. Not agreement. If you are making demands, avoid doing it. Instead, say how you feel because of his behavior and ask him to take things a bit slowly so you can adapt to the change.

Is this typical of NRE? How o was was so different and I was so focused on the us of everything.

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This is normal for NRE. It went easier with you because as a threesome, your husband's acceptance of the boyfriend came with him being included in the NRE, so you were balancing two people in NRE. Plus, as said above, women appear to be better hinges for men than vice versa. You are outside your husband's relationship with his girlfriend. He is balancing one person with NRE with another "normal" he is used to. The old relationship generally looks less .... dazzling compared with the new in NRE. To be poly successfully, he will have to learn to appreciate and enjoy both. Some do it easy, for others the new relationship overwhelms and it is a learning curve.

One thing I noticed with myself is...i don't particularly relish in NRE. I want my new relationship to get to the ORE. I don't find the extra adrenaline better than the comfortable energy haha.

My husband and I talked though,and we're both going to do some research and work on our halves of this. Me and my insecurity and him and his NRE. Until I showed him these replays he didn't even know what he was feeling was called so we have some learning to do!
He has a date this weekend at her house,so we'll see how I feel about it during it. So far I feel really at ease.

Since we're so new to this, I definitely see how a lot of things are trial and error. That being said, reading about how women tend to be better hinges (honestly because of our socialization with how women are viewed in society. It makes sense to me) helps a lot.

Is it normal for me to have a boundary of just "not when I'm home unless I'm involved"? Is it okay for me to have a boundary that is stricter than his? I know that there really aren't any hard set "rules" but it does help to know if you're experiencing normal things. Talking out things with friends and family is not something I have when it comes to being poly because the ones who know...arent poly.

It's hard when you know in your gut that polyamory is the right choice for you and your relationships, but it's not easy! Not that monogamy is easy per sey but I've been with my husband for 8 years ,since high school. So it's definitely a new thing to experience.

You guys are awesome.

ElMango said:

Is it normal for me to have a boundary of just "not when I'm home unless I'm involved"? Is it okay for me to have a boundary that is stricter than his? I know that there really aren't any hard set "rules" but it does help to know if you're experiencing normal things. Talking out things with friends and family is not something I have when it comes to being poly because the ones who know...arent poly.

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Boundaries are about you, and are based on your principles. The things you describe here are rules, which are intended to limit partner behavior. Rules are okay if everyone agrees to them and follows them. But they tend to also be problem magnets. So tread carefully in proposing new ones. Maybe back up and think about what you really need in these moments (attention, reassurance from partner? Some kind of re-centering from self?) and ask (self or partner) for specific actions (check-in? Ritual treat?) that will help get your needs met. If partner is all up in the NRE and you propose asymmetric rules, that might feel unfairly constraining to partner.

My advice is to quit keeping a scorecard. If it helps, work out a schedule. Start with everybody getting a specific date night. Trying to keep it couple-centric between the two of you probably isn't going to work.

vinsanity0 said:

My advice is to quit keeping a scorecard. If it helps, work out a schedule. Start with everybody getting a specific date night. Trying to keep it couple-centric between the two of you probably isn't going to work.

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Can you clarify what you mean?

Sadly set date nights don't work due to our partners erratic schedules

SlowPoly said:

Boundaries are about you, and are based on your principles. The things you describe here are rules, which are intended to limit partner behavior. Rules are okay if everyone agrees to them and follows them. But they tend to also be problem magnets. So tread carefully in proposing new ones. Maybe back up and think about what you really need in these moments (attention, reassurance from partner? Some kind of re-centering from self?) and ask (self or partner) for specific actions (check-in? Ritual treat?) that will help get your needs met. If partner is all up in the NRE and you propose asymmetric rules, that might feel unfairly constraining to partner.

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Thanks! That's actually really helpful. I definitely need to self check in

ElMango said:

Can you clarify what you mean?

Sadly set date nights don't work due to our partners erratic schedules

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I mean that it seems like you are approaching this as if your bf is just something you do to occupy your time when your hubby is busy doing other things. Now hubby has a gf and it encroaches on what you perceive as your couple time. The problem is, your couple time was all his available time and now that has changed.

Since your partners are so erratic with their availability, then you and hubby can have your own schedule and stick to it. That means bf or gf may have to do without on occasion. That's just the way it goes. If they want more they will have to do a little work too.

ElMango said:

Is it normal for me to have a boundary of just "not when I'm home unless I'm involved"?

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Yes. You can request that in your presence, he keep the mobile on silent. If you're at home with him every day for large chunks of hours, you can work a compromise where he gets small time away with his mobile, or one large chunk of time away with his mobile, if you wish. Whatever works for you guys.

My feeling is that your request will be received better if phrased as a request rather than a rule.

Shaya said:

Yes. You can request that in your presence, he keep the mobile on silent. If you're at home with him every day for large chunks of hours, you can work a compromise where he gets small time away with his mobile, or one large chunk of time away with his mobile, if you wish. Whatever works for you guys.

My feeling is that your request will be received better if phrased as a request rather than a rule.

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We talked about it and agreed on no date nights at our house when I'm home (like literally in the house) unless it's more of a couple thing for now. Just until we figure out my insecurity and his NRE a bit more and get more comfortable.

I'm also working on developing a friendship with M, so that we can have a really good metamore relationship. Lots of talking helped me realize the more I know people, the less insecure I am about things to do with them.

Them texting isn't an issue when I'm around. I'm used to being around and having text conversations while around other people and having others do it around me. It was only when he had time for her but not me that I got upset. And after talking to him, and to you guys, I can really see that I was much more upset than I should have been. And that's on me.

vinsanity0 said:

I mean that it seems like you are approaching this as if your bf is just something you do to occupy your time when your hubby is busy doing other things. Now hubby has a gf and it encroaches on what you perceive as your couple time. The problem is, your couple time was all his available time and now that has changed.

Since your partners are so erratic with their availability, then you and hubby can have your own schedule and stick to it. That means bf or gf may have to do without on occasion. That's just the way it goes. If they want more they will have to do a little work too.

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That's not how I feel about my boyfriend or husband at all. And that's not why I was feeling insecure. Being completely ignored by ANYONE when you're all hanging out together tends to make people feel a little less than good no matter what their relationship is to each other.

We are definitely working on firming up a schedule that would work as "days that are available to do dates" and "days that are just for us" because that's an idea we both agree is going to be beneficial.

That being said I definitely did think about what you said with the score card and I did realize I was absolutely keeping one and making MYSELF extra insecure with it. I had a boyfriend before my hubby had a girlfriend. My hubby set the pace I had with my boyfriend and the progression of things. I made it much harder on myself by not letting myself need the same things he did to be comfortable. Which was time ot adjust to changes.
My mind went "well, he is okay with you doing A, B and C. So you HAVE to be okay with all the same stuff RIGHT NOW."
instead of saying "it took 4 months for him to adjust to you having a boyfriend and it started differently. You probably just need time to adjust as well." I was definitely making myself feel guilty and insecure that way - realizing that really helped with my insecurity/anxiety.