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  #111  
Old 07-09-2010, 05:12 PM
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So I guess this is what happens when I'm left alone with my thoughts on little sleep.

My sister in law is my hero. Woke her up at 8:30, she followed me down to drop off my car and bring me back, sat here at the house and talked for a few hours while my niece played (15 mos and so smart!!! And the way her teeth are coming in she looks like a little vampire and I think it is the most adorable thing ever. That child has my heart in a way no other child has. She is a treasure). When they left for nap time, I thought, alot. And now that the car is done I am waiting for her to come back and get me and run me down to pick it back up. So while I wait...

Almost through myself into a another panic attack. It seems I can only have one thing going good in my life at a time. Everytime I get one thing going another falls apart. Karma and I are at an amazing point in our relationship. The communication, the heart to hearts, I'm feeling so loved and comforted.

But financialy things are a wreck. We can't find work, I'm on probation at school and he's kicked out of getting financial aid unless we pay for 6 credits out of pocket. With my cut in hours that I'm allowed to take we'll be lucky to pay living expenses for a month. (we pay for them with school loans/grants). And with him not in school for 6 months, we'll have to start paying back his loans in Nov. I'm taking all online classes this semster so I can work full time, hopefully my back can take it. I've considered moving back to Ohio for a few months in order to try to find work, but Karma and I have never spent more then a few days apart in our entire 8yrs together. I don't want to leave him, I don't think I could handle it. Plus we are just getting back to good, I can't leave now. So what to do? MY parents are helping us this summer, and my mom has had to go get a second job and my dad pushed back retirement by 3 yrs in order to pay our bills.

I feel like the most worthless almost 30yr old there is. I just feel like shit!! They have done SOOOOOO much for us and I repay them by asking for more help. Great kid I am. Karmas mom is worthless and his dad while amazing just came into our lives 5 yrs ago. So hows that work, umm I know we lived with you for a yr when we moved here, but you think you could help us pay some bills while get our lives straight?

I'm just so affraid of my dad having another heart attack and it being my fault. My mom working herself to death and again my fault. I moved to go to college and better my life and instead it's made a mess of everything.

And no I don't just sit here and feel sorry for myself, I send out resume after resume, fill out application after application, I'm either over qualified or can't work the hrs they need, or the positions been filled or on and on and on.

I'm just really feeling overwhelmed. I'm considering going back on my anti anxiety meds. I've done really well with EVERYTHING thrown my way the last 3 mos and now it's just getting to be too much.

My sis in law says it'll all work out. Something will happen and we'll get through the rest. Well what the hell do I do in the mean time? I'm almost ready to kiss the degree goodbye and move back to ohio, move in with my parents, pay off my debt and go back to being a fast food manager. At least if I was here I could watch my niece and my brother and sis in law wouldn't be scrambling for a sitter.

I have big dreams and they all seem so far away and unreachable. Right now I'm just trying to find a way to keep from living in a cardboard box.
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  #112  
Old 07-09-2010, 05:20 PM
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We're allowed to screw up. Your parents love you. They want to take care of you. I moved back home when I was 27 and pregnant. My husband was in basic training and we had to sell our house so I was homeless because we didn't have another home yet. My parents took me in, no questions asked, and took care of me. That's what parents do. You aren't a failure, you're doing what you can to get your life going. There are going to be hiccoughs along the way, that's life. Hang in there, everything will work it's self out.

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  #113  
Old 07-09-2010, 07:51 PM
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Mohegan, I can relate a lot to what you've written. I agree with what Derby wrote, wholeheartedly. Your parents love you. That's what they're there for.

You are definitely not a failure! What your parents do and what happens to them is not your fault. Just do your best, put your heart into it, show them gratitude and that's what you are able to do.

Set your intention that you will find the perfect job for you. Imagine yourself walking into work, sitting at the desk (or whatever scenario) and it will come. Trust it.
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  #114  
Old 07-13-2010, 03:18 AM
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I've been up for waay tooo long with to little sleep before hand, but we are safely back in Maryland. Karma is off seeing his g/f. Hopefully that gets him out of his foul mood. Getting sick of be yelled at over nothing.

Saw my Dr before we left Ohio. She gave me an as needed anxiety med and a new pain killer that's used for arthritis. Hopefully they work.

Karmas brother got 2 yrs probation. Hopefully he gets the help he needs and moves past all this.

I think I'm heading to bed. The ride home was very difficult. I love my husband, but I hate feeling guilty because I enjoy going to Ohio, because I had a good time. I hate feeling bad that I don't trust him enough yet to jsut let him stay here and that I can't really make the drive alone anyway.

Other than that, I am in a bit of a better frame of mind, and when I get a little down I just think of my niece. I told her she was a precious little treasure and she thought hard about it and then smiled and said "yeah".

Karma and I are hitting the pavement this week to try and find work.

I'm finaly coming down off all the emotions of the weekend, so I think I will enjoy my cats and the silence of my home, curl up in my own bed and read a book.
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  #115  
Old 07-13-2010, 05:41 PM
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In amuch better frame of mind. Got around 6-7 hrs of sleep. Only had 1 nightmare that I don't even remember. Feeling driven to get my life back in order. Karma is taking her g/f to school and then we are cleaning and having her over tonight. I'm hoping after having read the letter, she and I will actually get a chance to get to know eachother a bit tonight. Looking forward to it.
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  #116  
Old 07-13-2010, 08:22 PM
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Ummm...... when did I become a "her"?
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  #117  
Old 07-13-2010, 09:07 PM
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M just wanted to tell you, for what its worth... When I was your age I went through similar feelings. I was broke, made some bad choices to live with people who were not in a good place, drug addicted, steeling, selling acid etc. I ended up on the street and hungry. I was too proud to ask for help because I was still at university. I lived at school in the painting studio (fine arts). When school ended I had to fess up. I was stuck. My dad drove across canada to get me. He took pictures of me. What a mess! Skinny, hollow eyes. Defeated. I was so embarrassed and felt like a failure. That was over twenty years ago. I can honestly say I see it coming around. My parents will need help from me soon and I now have the responsibility of my own son. Helping the next generation. I think, as has been said already, that your responsibility right now is to keep at it. Which you are doing. And be grateful. It all comes around. It really does.
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  #118  
Old 07-13-2010, 10:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Karma View Post
Ummm...... when did I become a "her"?
Not sure, we should have that checked out

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
M just wanted to tell you, for what its worth... When I was your age I went through similar feelings. I was broke, made some bad choices to live with people who were not in a good place, drug addicted, steeling, selling acid etc. I ended up on the street and hungry. I was too proud to ask for help because I was still at university. I lived at school in the painting studio (fine arts). When school ended I had to fess up. I was stuck. My dad drove across canada to get me. He took pictures of me. What a mess! Skinny, hollow eyes. Defeated. I was so embarrassed and felt like a failure. That was over twenty years ago. I can honestly say I see it coming around. My parents will need help from me soon and I now have the responsibility of my own son. Helping the next generation. I think, as has been said already, that your responsibility right now is to keep at it. Which you are doing. And be grateful. It all comes around. It really does.
Thank you for this. It's still hard to think of, I still feel worthless, like no matter what I do I can't get ahead. That I'll never reach my dreams b/c I'll be stuck working somewhere I hate to make ends meet. I don't want money to rule my life, yet it seems to. I just feel terrible about all of it. I've made some huge mistakes, and at times instead of learning I've continued to screw up. I feel I'm very mature for my age in a lot of ways, and in others I feel so far behind. I'm constantly comparing myself to my brother. I know I'm the only one who does it, my parents don't, he doesn't. His wife is always telling me how much he envies my care free spirit. But at 24 he has a house, makes enough that his wife is quitting her job to stay home with their daughter, travels all the time. He's living the life I always planned for myself. I decided to stray from that and am now I'm in one hell of a hole. If it weren't for my parents we'd have been homeless yrs ago. I was finaly starting to get ahead when I was managing a fast food place, and then I got the bright ideas to go to college and I'm worse off than ever. And I love Karma with all my heart, but the man has no concept of a work ethic, I knew when I married him I'd be the one supporting us, taking care of us, and I'm not doing that. I feel like I've let everyone down.



But moving away from the depressive stuff, I'm nervous. Karma's on his way to pick up g/f from school and then coming here. We are making dinner and having some spiritual talks. Apparently she has some questions for me. I'm hoping the awkwardness will be gone and we can just talk, for once. I'm ordained and a teacher on my path, and in the begining she was my student, when I found out about the affair I called it quits. I'm not going to teach someone I don't trust. I think I'm moving forward and willing to consider it again, depending on how tonight goes. But I'm still pretty nervouse.

Relationship wise Karma and I are still learning. He was explaining a situation and referred to something in the past but used different wording. We were discussing when his friend asked permission to sleep with g/f. Originaly that was how it was worded. Today Karma used the wod pursue instead of sleep with. Huge difference to me. Sleep with and move on vs pursue a relationship. Karma didn't see a difference. So I mentioned we should work on wording and context when relaying information. It could have saved some of the drama of the whole situation. Just one little word.


We've also decided that everyother wednesday when g/f is with her other b/f that Karma and I will have an us day. We've tried and tried to commit to having a date day once a week, once everyother week, once a month. We never stick to it. But I'd like having a day commited to us. So hopefully it'll stick this time.

I'm still considering my answer to Karma asking if I minded g/f joining the forum. I had thought about it before he asked, but I don't know if I want to let go of the one place I have to express everything. I guess in a way it may help us and I know it could help her to have others to talk with. So I'm intersted in hearing opinions. Do you feel you lose something by having everyone in your relationship on the forums or do you guys think it helps?
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  #119  
Old 07-15-2010, 05:31 AM
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Saw a pic of Karma with his girlfriend at Renn Fair from last yr. Just another reminder that the whole world knew but me. Kind of stings a little to be reminded of it. Guess that wound isn't completely healed yet. Makes me wonder what lies were told for him to get away with that one, since we both had season passes. Why wasn't I there? It still hurts to think of all the lies. Why wasn't I respected enough to be told the truth?

Karma and I were supposed to attend a b-day party for the guy I want to date. But apparently since it's his weekend to see his g/f and she and this guy don't get along, I'm going alone. dissapointing. We are going to a pow wow earlier in the day and I was looking forward to ending it together at the party.

And she wants to spend the night with him this weekend as well. Still no sex as I'm still working on trusting her and the whole situation. But it was a bit hard to hear. When I asked how that was going to work given he can't sleep with 3 in the bed, he said he guessed they'd sleep on the couch. I'm not sure why but that bothers me. It bothers me that he'll be only feet away from me, but not in bed with me. I kind of wish my un boyfriend(or whatever the hell he is) and I were a bit further along with things so I could crash there and not have to be here. I don't want to tell Karma he can't do it, but it just feels so weird, and I'm not sure why. I guess I never let myself think about the fact that this meant I'd have nights without him. With my wife, and how I invisoned our poly life, we'd all share the bed. I never really thought of the fact that since we are now a V instead of a triangle, I'd not have him at night. I get it, on an academic level. But on an emotional level it's a bit hard to swollow at the moment.

I guess I was hoping to have saturday as just us, and now it seems the whole weekend is devoted to her. Free time when she's not in school is devoted to her. Our talking time is mostly, but not all, devoted to her and how to help her deal with some things in her past.

I get that she is a part of his life and that she does take up some of his time. Maybe I'm just so used to not having to share (or not knowing I'm sharing) that it's hard to adjust to that. I dunno, but I almost feel like my time with him has to be scheduled in advance because he's gonna pop off outta no where and say they have plans. The advanced notice I asked for seems to be lost in the wind somewhere. I think, ok he hasn't said anything so I'll make plans, honey do you wanna do xyz tomorrow, no I'm gonna see g/f. And I'm left standing there going WTF! I'm ready to start pulling out schedules and time cards.

I get that they haven't had a lot of alone time that doesn't revolve around solving drama, but maybe they should have thought about that a yr ago. I guess I am a little more upset about him backing out of the party than I thought. We'd been talking about going to a party just us, not the three of us, to enjoy some time without hearing people talk (as they love to do when we all go out). I was looking forward to that. Now it's gonna be me, alone. Might as well start the rumors now.

On a lighter side, I have been reading runes for years and am feeling I am about as far with them as I can go and have been wanting to explore tarot. Picked up a deck today that I really like and am looking forward to working with it and learning from it. I seem to be in a very spiritual place lately and am excited to enrich that.
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  #120  
Old 07-15-2010, 03:26 PM
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I love waking up to a fight, tears and a migraine. I don't know how else to explain things, yet he still doesn't see where I'm coming from.

I apparently am holding it against her that she was the other woman. According to his friends anyway.

I'm just really hurt right now. Doesn't he know me better than that? We were doing so well and then suddenly we're fighting instead of talking. I guess I'm going to go find something to stay busy, he won't be up for another 8 hrs, so no resolution for another 8 hrs.

My heart is heavy and the tears are flowing. Going to find something to make it a better day.
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