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  #11  
Old 07-13-2010, 07:08 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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what is the difference between and agenda and a goal? I have goals in my life for my relationships... why is that not an agenda and how is it not selfish?

I think we are all selfish, we are all trying to do right by ourselves first. If we didn't then we would not be functional people.

I have the capacity to forgive someone who has a selfish agenda in their relationship, no matter what kind of relationship, because it's human. What I have no patience for is if they go on and on with it and don't give one ounce back for that patience. I can only go so far with that. I need to see movement to understand and accept before calling it quits.

@honestheart, Autumalnote- I agree, people need to be seen as a package deal, no matter what the relationship. We all come with baggage, others that are close to us and in poly? Other partners.
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  #12  
Old 07-13-2010, 03:17 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
what is the difference between and agenda and a goal? I have goals in my life for my relationships... why is that not an agenda and how is it not selfish?

I think we are all selfish, we are all trying to do right by ourselves first. If we didn't then we would not be functional people.
Agreed and we do see it time and time again here with people whos only agenda appears to be the person they are dependant on. At some point, in some way, you have to be trying to better yourself. Ideally everyone around you is helping you, as you also help them. Elevating the whole instead of the one.

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I have the capacity to forgive someone who has a selfish agenda in their relationship, no matter what kind of relationship, because it's human. What I have no patience for is if they go on and on with it and don't give one ounce back for that patience. I can only go so far with that. I need to see movement to understand and accept before calling it quits.
Just curious, but isn't this the foundation of compromise? Too bad there isn't something measurable as to when the breaking point occurs. How far left and how long do I wait for someone to slide their thoughts over before walking away.

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@honestheart, Autumalnote- I agree, people need to be seen as a package deal, no matter what the relationship. We all come with baggage, others that are close to us and in poly? Other partners.
Agreed as well
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  #13  
Old 07-13-2010, 03:18 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post
Just to play devil's advocate here, I'd like to mention that sometimes there are poly agendas.. ie. a poly person dates a mono person with the intention of "converting" them. In my observation (close-hand experience) this does not go over well for either person.
I agree, I did this unintentionally. As I was falling for the girl, I was trying to convince myself and her that it would work. Didn't work out at all haha

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Sometimes agendas are not conscious, though. A culturally conditioned agenda just seems normal to the person who holds the belief. Even poly people dating other poly people can have "agendas", which is why it's important to discuss (and keep on discussing) relationship goals and needs as time goes on.
Great point ...
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  #14  
Old 07-13-2010, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post
sometimes there are poly agendas.. ie. a poly person dates a mono person with the intention of "converting" them. In my observation (close-hand experience) this does not go over well for either person.
You'd recommend poly- people only date other people who identified as poly- before they met?
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  #15  
Old 07-13-2010, 06:37 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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You'd recommend poly- people only date other people who identified as poly- before they met?
I think it's more a case of letting everyone be who they are without trying to change them at all. I think if I was going to recommend anything when it comes to the world of dating it would be to only date people who know for sure who they are and what they want. The rest can be worked out through communication.
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  #16  
Old 07-13-2010, 06:55 PM
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@ariakas- there is nothing wrong with compromise for me. Its settling for that that I think is damaging and pointless. There needs to be movement towards everyone getting their needs met. It is possible to find that in a relationship when those in it work on finding out what the root of their needs are and with some creativity in how to reach them. Settling for compromise just means the work isn't done. That's okay, but its important to know that is what you are doing so when the mood arises there is the option to work towards boundaries instead of compromise.
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  #17  
Old 07-13-2010, 07:25 PM
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It seems a recipe for heartbreak to ignore reality and believe we can change other people. Is this not one of the primary sources of unhappiness in life? If only people would do as I want them to do! Then our relationship would be perfect. So I think an agenda is a very different thing from a goal. A goal is feasible. It has to do with existing materials and realities. A goal is probably most effectively reached if all parties agree to it. An agenda is bound to just create hell on wheels because it is not grounded in reality, is secret and unilateral, and is not feasible. If I were interested in a woman who was mono I'd just be setting myself up for resentment and recrimination if I tried to push her toward being poly. Non-monogamous sexuality in particular is really deeply painful behavior for a natural mono to engage in. Perhaps not to accept one's poly partner engaging in, but to engage in oneself. Similarly, "forced monogamy" in an effort to "hang on" to a mono partner is really painful, too. To the point, for me, of suicidal impulses.

I become less selfish and less altruistic altogether. These distinctions mean nothing to me, ultimately. I'm honest and the chips fall where they fall. We call the universe to us based on our manifesting, requesting energies. If I am open to what will serve my highest good, that is truly what will appear. I try to live my life this way on a daily basis now, with only occasional slips into the using and being used realm. The truth is we are not capable of being authentically selfish as we have no idea when we are acting out of self will what is truly in our best interest. Functional dysfunctionality is ultimately dysfunctional, unless we get blindly lucky. Happiness isn't very reliably constituted on luck, however. So for me it is only when I drop the agenda altogether and take life on life's terms that I can even see worthy goals.

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  #18  
Old 07-14-2010, 02:07 AM
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jkelly: Not at all.. but I do recommend not entering any relationship with the intent to convert your partner to your way of thinking, be it mono or poly.
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  #19  
Old 07-14-2010, 02:46 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post
jkelly: Not at all.. but I do recommend not entering any relationship with the intent to convert your partner to your way of thinking, be it mono or poly.
But you all must think like ME dammit!!!

Yah. No. That's like the old stereotype of a woman trying to change a man when they get married. It never works.

Whomever I date will know that I am married - that he must, by default, come first - even though in reality he allows me as much freedom as I want. There is a history of health issues that anyone involved with me must be aware of - because its a hard thing to understand if you're not living with it. Even living with it - I have a hard time sometimes understanding how truly hard he pushes himself - and then he crashes and needs me.

But yes - back to the original intent of the post.... THINK LIKE ME!!

*giggles*
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  #20  
Old 07-14-2010, 06:06 PM
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Default Poly relationship for the poly person

Why would someone EVER try to live in a poly relationship if they were mono?

In other words, be the mono in a poly relationship.

I think many people will respond with "because I love _____".

Don't you feel you are sacrificing something core to your being for this "love"? Isn't this by definition a sacrifice, and not a compromise?

Do you feel you are settling?

(This is in response to the mono dating thread started earlier.)

I mean, if you are not getting your needs met or even your wants met when you could MOST LIKELY get them met by someone else and be very happy, then what are you doing?

Staying in a relationship because you "love" someone really isn't the strongest argument for you. The abused say they "love" their spouses, those who do not get needs met stay because they "love" someone... Isn't this why so many people decide to venture into polyamory... to get needs met?

I am having a hard time understanding this one, thus the bluntness of my questions.
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